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Thursday, March 31, 2005

No matter whose side you're on, news of Terri Schiavo's passing today is sad. Out of respect, I will not mock anyone involved in this sad circus. I will however illustrate yet again the supreme hypocrisy of our President, who released the following statement shortly after Schiavo's passing:
"I urge all those who honor Terri Schiavo to continue to work to build a culture of life where all Americans are welcomed and valued and protected, especially those who live at the mercy of others."
Now, consider those words as we recall this infamous episode from Bush's gubernatorial days, as described by journalist Tucker Carlson:

In the week before [Karla Faye Tucker's] execution, Bush says, Bianca Jagger and a number of other protesters came to Austin to demand clemency for Tucker. "Did you meet with any of them?" I ask. Bush whips around and stares at me. "No, I didn't meet with any of them," he snaps, as though I've just asked the dumbest, most offensive question ever posed.

"I didn't meet with Larry King either when he came down for it. I watched his interview with [Tucker], though. He asked her real difficult questions, like 'What would you say to Governor Bush?' "

"What was her answer?" I wonder.

"Please," Bush whimpers, his lips pursed in mock desperation, "don't kill me."

Compassionate Conservative indeed.

Simple and to the point: Bush Kills
Hamster: Erring on the Side of Life?
Sherman Alexie: Reclaiming God and unmasking Bush as a lousy Christian

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

How do you know when something that was once a private family affair has become an absolute public circus?
Shame on everyone – the media, the president, congress, "Dr. Video" Bill Frist, Tom Delay, the protestors, the religious zealots, and even the family (on both sides) – for exploiting this poor, helpless woman at such a time. A pox on all your houses. My only hope is that when she finally does go, she finds peace... and that there are no politicians, lawyers or circus clowns waiting for her.

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Saturday, March 26, 2005

On this Easter Eve, as the far-right nutjobs down in Florida dream up parallels between the crucifixion and the Terri Shiavo fight and speak of an armed liberation led by Jeb Bush to free their newly discovered savior, this secularist will be spending the holiest of holy days biting the heads off chocolate rabbits, listening to Iron Maiden records and watching a Jesus Christ Superstar/Last Temptation of Christ double feature with his Jewish girlfriend. If you see no entries after this one, you can assume God has smote me down.

Seriously, these people in Florida are crazy. I understand this is an emotional issue, but an armed liberation? Come on! And by the way, if heaven is such a wonderful place, why are you all fighting so hard to keep Terri from going there? Just asking.

Please everyone, try and remember what this holiday is really all about: Peeps.

The Lord of the Peeps: The Fellowship of the Peeps
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"Frodo felt his knees turn to marshmallow..."

How Peeps are Born (For anyone who assumed Peeps were birthed by Easter Bunny)
The Peeps Challenge:
One Man's Attempt to Eat 100 Peeps
Slate: How These Marshmallow Chicks Found Jesus
The Effects of Smoking and Drinking on Peeps, a non-scientific study
What do Peeps, the X-Files and a bunch of geeks with too much time produce?
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Happy Easter!

Monday, March 21, 2005

What issue could possibly be important enough to bring Congress back to DC in the middle of its precious Easter vacation? What is it that could tear the President away from some good 'ol executive brush clearing and cause him to hop Air Force One back to the White House in the middle of the night? War? An attack? Another tsunami maybe? Nawwww, the Republican leadership doesn't move that swiftly for petty issues such as these, no way. But stop giving one terminally comatose Floridian her protein and they'll race back to the Hill faster than their constituents can open a bible.

Seriously, I have to call 'shenanigans' on this whole thing. This isn't about Terri Schiavo's life, it's about politics. And it's disgusting. What happened to the GOP that stood for government staying out of people's personal lives? The new GOP wants to tell us what we can watch on TV, who we can marry and how to care for our loved ones. And who the hell is Tom Delay to preach to us about ethics and moral clarity?? This fucker is the poster boy for crooked politics. Give me a break. And Bush? Well, he's apparently gone through some sort of metamorphosis since he signed this Texas bill only a few short years ago. Shenanigans!

It is nothing short of an outrage that we have to stomp our feet and yell at the top of our lungs just to get this administration and congress to open an investigation into the 9/11 attacks, yet they'll take time out of their vacation to debate a singular, symbolic issue in order to appease their evangelical base. Don't they have anything better to do? I don't know, maybe they could spend some time trying to figure out a way to bring our troops home, or perhaps they could take a moment to try and solve our record deficit? Call me crazy, but it seems that maybe homeland security is an issue that deserves a little attention as well. Maybe they could start by coming up with a solution to make sure terrorists don't buy guns, or join the CIA. Just a suggestion. Maybe they could take a minute to work on closing some of the gaps in our air safety. Maybe they could at least pretend to care about the massive security holes in the nation's rail system. Or hey, just for shits and giggles, maybe they could look into fixing our crumbling infrastructure?

Kos: Follow all the Schiavo Shenanigans
Hypocrisy All Around
O.Willis: LiveBlogging the Hearings
This calls for a Blogswarm!
Tom Delay and Ethics? Not so familiar with one another.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One Where Baretta Goes Cowboying
Yes I know, I should probably be posting something about the fact that today marks the two-year anniversary of the start of the Iraq War. But I don't want to, it simply depresses me. You know what doesn't depress me though? Baretta's hummingbirds, Kevin Federline's BO and Monty Python's Spamalot – all those things kick ass over war! Enjoy this week's flotsam everyone.

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Friday, March 18, 2005

The typically ho-hum life of bureaucrats and policy wonks up on Capitol Hill was injected with some excitement to yesterday when some of baseball's biggest stars came to visit Congress. Taking a break from such snooze-worthy topics as War and Homeland Security, the senators on the Hill got to spend the day listening to these diamond heroes wax nostalgic about what substances they may or may not have pumped into their asses over the past decade. And while the senators were surely in awe of the larger-than-life sluggers testifying before them, I'm guessing Sammy Sosa was just as star-struck by Representative Henry Waxman (D-Ca) as Waxman was of him. I mean, come on, it's Henry friggin' Waxman!!

And now, a quick summary of comments from each of the day's participants:

Mark McGwire
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"I believe I can be an extremely effective spokesperson on this issue save for the fact that I've been advised not to speak about anything, especially the past. Uh, kids are important, steroids are bad. I will now begin crying."

Curt Schilling
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"Hey, me and the prez are buddies, what the hell am I doing here?? Yo, Jose, suck my bloody sock pal!"

Jose Canseco
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"These guys are just jealous 'cuz of how big my muscles are. Look at me, I'm like a tanned god! I feel SO! TOTALLY!! RIPPED!!! STEROIDS RULE!!!! Whoa, headrush..."

Frank Thomas, on video
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"What, you guys didn't know you could just send in a tape? Suckers!"

Sammy Sosa
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"Beisbol been bery, bery good to me."

Rafael Palmeiro
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"What the hell am I doing here with these assholes?"

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig
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"I'm so totally gonna lose my job over this."

Jim Bunning, R-Ken.
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"You want an effective drug policy? Think about this: Mr. Canseco's penis is only this big now."

The Daily Show: The Unnatural
The Hill:
Canseco gets pumped, tanned in preparation for testimony
SI: The Best and Worst That Could Happen
Baseball Bans Steroids! Stadium vendors to serve only organic Hot Dogs.
Top 10 Sports Doping Scandals (What''s up Canada, no mention of Ross Rebagliati??)

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Thursday, March 17, 2005

Perhaps my favorite day of the year is upon us. No, it has nothing to do with my love of shamrocks, green beer and leprechauns*, but rather an unhealthy affliction known as March Madness. Today, thousands of sports fans will spend a longer-than-usual lunch "hour" at a pub, a sports bar, or maybe the TV wall of their neighborhood Circuit City, to watch the start of the NCAA College Basketball Tournament, also known as March Madness©. They will root for Catamounts, Gaels and Salukis, even if they don't know what those things are. And they will lose money. Lots and lots of money.

Captain Dan over at Zug.com sums up the tourney's magic better than I ever could. He boils it down to three things: Gambling, Avoiding Work and Tall, Muscular Men Getting Sweaty. A sampling:

On Gambling: Gambling on the tournament is just like any other unhealthy addiction: very enjoyable. Tournament-related gambling is easily one of the most enjoyable pleasures in life, up there with non-tournament-related gambling, and monkey knife fights.

On Avoiding Work: As Woodrow Wilson so eloquently put it, "you cannot put a price on the camaraderie gained from comparing brackets with coworkers."

On Tall Muscular Men Getting Sweaty:
You'll have to see Captain Dan's article yourself for this one...

Enjoy the Madness everyone. Oh, and for the record, my Final Four: Illinois, Kansas, Duke and Washington. (One piece of advice: If you want to win, pick other teams.)

Bud Withers: Let the Drama Begin
Mike DeCourcy: 65 Points
Dan Wetzel: Bracket Breakdowns
Get Your Brackets Here!
Hoops not your thing? Geeky Republicans launch
Nomination Madness!

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* unless you count the Washington's Nate "what's-you-talkin'-'bout" Robinson.

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Happy St. Patty's Day everybody. Remember, Green Beer only means one thing: Green Vomit.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One With Dan Rather's Courage
Yet another week has passed us by which can mean only one thing: I missed a bunch of shit. So, without further ado, here's that thing I do where I collect all that shit, put pretty bullets next to it and attach a few lame-ass comments. This week, Dan Rather gets gone, torture gets excused and Russell Crowe gets paranoid. And social security, by the way, remains boring.

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Thursday, March 10, 2005


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'Anyone interested in a pillow fight? How about some porn??'

Seriously, can this get any weirder than today's pajama shenanigans?

Of course it can! If previous days are any indication, future proceedings should go something like this: Penis. Jesus Juice. Underwear. Penis. Masturbation. Red wine. Doo Doo Head. Penis. Daddy. George Lopez. Bubbles. Peter Pan. Penis. Jay Leno. Diet Coke. Tito. Penis. Barely Legal. Hanes. Liza Minelli. 7Up. Penis.

Ick. It was soooo much more fun when the Jackson family body part we were all entranced by was Janet's boob, not Michael's wang.

But you know who's really getting a raw deal from all of this? Baretta. Nobody's paying attention to Baretta anymore, poor guy. Maybe he should find some children to molest...
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The Smoking Gun: Full Coverage.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Yesterday was brutal in Manhattan, with temperatures dropping more than 30 degrees in less than 12 hours. As the morning rain turned to snow and the temperatures raced downwards, the wet sidewalks and streets became one giant, icy pedestrian and commuter hell, causing accidents, train delays and runway chaos at local airports. But all was forgiven when the Daily News presented us with the following photo in this morning's edition:

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Thank you Daily News, and keep up the good work.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One Where MJ Plays Chimp Daddy
So yeah, this is kind of a new feature on Days. If you've been here before, you've no doubt seen similar postings in which I get really lazy and throw a bunch of random crap into a single post. Well, to catch some of the flotsam that slips through the cracks every week, I'm going to start doing this more frequently. The reason? Because these quick-hitting, easy-to-digest bits seem to be more popular than the long-ass, non-funny rants I usually produce. Oh, and because I'm totally lazy.

Among this week's Remains: Bubbles gets blown, Fiddy takes cover, and the NFL gets totally gay. Enjoy. (Warning: The term "Sperm Herder" appears at least once in this entry)

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Friday, March 04, 2005

Apparently, March 4th is International Released From Capture Day. First, in the wee hours of the morning, the entire nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when it learned that everyone's favorite tea-cozy enthusiast/securities fraudster, Martha Stewart, was released from prison without incident. She now has to suffer through five months of house arrest, poor girl. Of course, the 'house' is a $16-million, 153-acre estate in upstate New York, so we shouldn't feel too sorry. Although, if she wanders too far from the grounds while gardening, she may be blown up.

And on the other side of the world today, a cause for real celebration when Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena, who has been held hostage in Iraq for nearly a month, was finally freed. All of Italy erupted in joy at the news... until they learned that the car carrying Sgrena was shot at by US forces, wounding the freed captive and killing her negotiator. Oops. I guess maybe former CNN exec Eason Jordan was right, we ARE shooting at journalists – but only those coming fresh off the trauma of being held at gunpoint by insurgents for a month.

And how come nobody took a shot at Martha?

Martha Comes Home: An interactive timeline.
Watch Martha's carefully staged release. (video)
Reporters w/o Borders: A Sgrena timeline.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

I never thought I'd be wishing for the return of George Tenet, but after yesterday's comments by the new Director of Central Intelligence Porter Goss, I kind of miss the hapless former CIA director infamous for his 'WMD Slam Dunk' assertion.

Apparently, George W.'s "it's hard work" whine from last fall's debates has become the mantra for his entire administration. Yesterday, Mr. Goss commented on his new gig, which he's been diligently settling into for the past several months:
"The jobs I'm being asked to do, the five hats that I wear, are too much for this mortal," Goss said. "I'm a little amazed at the workload."
Comforting, no? Just what you want to hear from the guy responsible for oversight of the entire nation's intelligence efforts. It's sort of like hearing your neurosurgeon say "man, I haven't slept in five days" just before he dives into your brain with a scalpel.

Yet more discomforting words from Porter 'Lost':
"Some days it's really hard to know which is the hottest of all the hotspots," he said. "You go to bed thinking, 'Have I thought of everything that could possibly go wrong ... that I might have missed? I do think about that."
Well good, at least we know he's 'thinking' about it. God help us.

As Wonkette says, "get up to fucking speed!"

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

What a surprise, the Oscars sucked ass. Again. Despite the many efforts to breathe new life into the stale format of the annual telecast, the awards were still extremely yawn-worthy. Yes, organizers were able to shave a few precious minutes off by ordering the lesser-known tech geek winners to stay in their seats to accept their awards ("no speech for you!"), and by putting some nominees in a firing squad line on stage, but those time-saving gimmicks only made the show seem amateur and even lamer than usual.

Among other changes introduced, host Billy Crystal seemed a little taller, a lot blacker and markedly less Jewish this year. And I'm pretty certain this was the first time the show started with the phrase,"Sit yo' asses down!" although Bob Hope may have once began with "Where my bitches at?!" That, however, is uncomfirmed. There was more anticipation for Rock's opening than there was for the actual awards. Personally, I felt Rock was entertaining, but then I'm a sin-loving, Bush-bashing, blue-state heathen, so that only seems natural. Others, however, have not been so kind, and the ratings were no better than last year. Apparently, no straight black men watched this year either.

And how did Red-State America feel about Mr. Rock's turn as master of ceremonies and the Oscars in general? Predictably, not so tolerant, as evidenced by post's such as the following from conservative blog Little Green Footballs:

"Hollywood is sick beyond any hope of redemption. Frankly, maybe we should just find a way to get these filthy Commie scumbags out of the USA. They are truly vile, subhuman worthless pieces of shit."
But how do you really feel? Maybe the Christian Oscars are more this guy's cup 'o tea... Jesus cleaned up this year! Way to go JC!

A few other Oscar observations
Oh Marty. Scorsese robbed again – and by a boxing movie no less! The Academy is so cruel ... I've got it Marty! Raging Bull 2, in which Jake Lamotta returns to kick the living hell out of a terminally ill Hilary Swank ... Message to Renee 'Bones' Zellwegger: EAT! Damn, maybe she should do another Bridget Jones movie or something ... Question: Was Beyonce the only female vocalist available Sunday night? 3 performances? What gives, Ashlee Simpson wasn't free? Oh well, I guess we should be thankful Antonio Banderas didn't get on stage three times ... Speaking of, is there anyone Santana won't perform with?? ... Still trying to figure what "this is the dog's bollocks!" means, but I think the FCC may be on the case already ... Sean Penn is a humorless asshole ... Hilary Swank beats out Annette Bening yet again, milks the girl-from-a-trailer-park schtick yet again ... Scarlett Johansson, what happend to your hair? (note to self: think of the opening shot of Lost in Translation, quick!) ... Jamie Foxx endorses child abuse, channels Sidney Poitier. Unnhhhh, Ahhhhh! ... What was in Dustin Hoffman's Kool-Aid? And can I have some? ... Wanna improve next year's show? How about 3 straight hours of Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz on stage together? I'd watch.

Yahoo: Hey look, photos!
Party Report
Fugglies: Fashion Police!

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