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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

What a surprise, the Oscars sucked ass. Again. Despite the many efforts to breathe new life into the stale format of the annual telecast, the awards were still extremely yawn-worthy. Yes, organizers were able to shave a few precious minutes off by ordering the lesser-known tech geek winners to stay in their seats to accept their awards ("no speech for you!"), and by putting some nominees in a firing squad line on stage, but those time-saving gimmicks only made the show seem amateur and even lamer than usual.

Among other changes introduced, host Billy Crystal seemed a little taller, a lot blacker and markedly less Jewish this year. And I'm pretty certain this was the first time the show started with the phrase,"Sit yo' asses down!" although Bob Hope may have once began with "Where my bitches at?!" That, however, is uncomfirmed. There was more anticipation for Rock's opening than there was for the actual awards. Personally, I felt Rock was entertaining, but then I'm a sin-loving, Bush-bashing, blue-state heathen, so that only seems natural. Others, however, have not been so kind, and the ratings were no better than last year. Apparently, no straight black men watched this year either.

And how did Red-State America feel about Mr. Rock's turn as master of ceremonies and the Oscars in general? Predictably, not so tolerant, as evidenced by post's such as the following from conservative blog Little Green Footballs:

"Hollywood is sick beyond any hope of redemption. Frankly, maybe we should just find a way to get these filthy Commie scumbags out of the USA. They are truly vile, subhuman worthless pieces of shit."
But how do you really feel? Maybe the Christian Oscars are more this guy's cup 'o tea... Jesus cleaned up this year! Way to go JC!

A few other Oscar observations
Oh Marty. Scorsese robbed again – and by a boxing movie no less! The Academy is so cruel ... I've got it Marty! Raging Bull 2, in which Jake Lamotta returns to kick the living hell out of a terminally ill Hilary Swank ... Message to Renee 'Bones' Zellwegger: EAT! Damn, maybe she should do another Bridget Jones movie or something ... Question: Was Beyonce the only female vocalist available Sunday night? 3 performances? What gives, Ashlee Simpson wasn't free? Oh well, I guess we should be thankful Antonio Banderas didn't get on stage three times ... Speaking of, is there anyone Santana won't perform with?? ... Still trying to figure what "this is the dog's bollocks!" means, but I think the FCC may be on the case already ... Sean Penn is a humorless asshole ... Hilary Swank beats out Annette Bening yet again, milks the girl-from-a-trailer-park schtick yet again ... Scarlett Johansson, what happend to your hair? (note to self: think of the opening shot of Lost in Translation, quick!) ... Jamie Foxx endorses child abuse, channels Sidney Poitier. Unnhhhh, Ahhhhh! ... What was in Dustin Hoffman's Kool-Aid? And can I have some? ... Wanna improve next year's show? How about 3 straight hours of Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz on stage together? I'd watch.

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