DAYS

A TOAST TO BIG DICK
Well hooray for you sir. After four days, and non-stop, near worldwide pressure to do so, you took the daring step of sitting down with the hard-nosed, totally unbiased newshounds at FOX News to talk about that little SHOOTING-YOUR-FRIEND-IN-THE-FACE incident. Good thing too, because the boys at FOX were worried about how you were feeling.

And hey, kudos to you sir, you even took the blame. Seriously, that's big of you, taking responsibility and such. I mean, who cares that for four days you refused to say anything while your flaks spun their wheels in attempt to pin the blame on the guy who got SHOT IN THE FACE. You've owned up to it now, good for you.

'Accept my apology, or else.'

So what else did the big man have to say about the incident?

"I'm the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend, and that's something I'll never forget....The image of him falling is something I will never be able to get out my mind."

He then added, "I will cherish it forever. What a shot. I hit him right square in the kisser, dead on. I think I popped the first boner I've sported in a decade when I saw my buckshot sink into his face. Bam! Sweet, sweet bullseye."

Ok, maybe not, but at least that would explain the celebratory cocktail Big Dick fixed himself upon returning to the ranch after the incident. No, really, he did:

Armstrong had told CNN she never saw Cheney or Whittington "drink at all on the day of the shooting until after the accident occurred, when the vice president fixed himself a cocktail back at the house."

Think it was a Bloody Mary?


Dick prepares for the hunt with a steaming hot cup 'o whiskey.

This cocktail revelation does bring up the question that has been bubbling just underneath the surface of all the reportage thus far: Was there alcohol involved? Curiously, the sheriff's report determined that no alcohol was involved despite the fact that the authorities didn't even get to speak with Cheney until the next day. Unsurprisingly, this discrepancy and the slow trickle of detail have raised all sorts of questions about alcohol's potential role in the incident.

The instant the curious details of the delayed involvment of the sheriff's office began to emerge, I thought of one person and one person only: Lizzie Grubman. Remember her? She was the PR princess who backed her SUV into a crowd of people outside a club in the Hamptons a few years back. Here's some detail from her case:

Police officers investigating the crash at Conscience Point Inn in Southampton did not catch up to Grubman for more than two hours and so no tests were administered to measure her blood-alcohol content.

And now, from Cheney's:

At least one deputy showed up at the ranch’s front gate Saturday evening and asked to speak to Cheney but was turned away by the Secret Service, [Secret Service spokesman Eric] Zahren said.

Hmmmm, birds of a feather?

MORE
Green Knight: I Give Up
File 83: Hunting Crashers
Letterman: Cheney Presser
TDS: Cheney's Got A Gun
Goodwin: No room for a laughingstock
NYDN: At least the birds weren't retarded. This time.

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