Wednesday, May 25, 2005
REMAINS of the DAYS: The One With Tom Cruise's Insanity
Every once in a while the sheer volume of celebrity bullshit, political hypocrisy and general absurdity becomes too much for one man to handle. In times such as these instead of becoming determined I simply get lazy, assembling the aforementioned flotsam into a single post dubbed Remains of the Days, which you are now reading. Not only is this an easy way for me to burp up another post, this crap should also keep y'all sated while I unglue myself from the blog for a few days to kick my clogs off and enjoy the holiday weekend. In this installment we delve deep into Tom Cruise's scientolirific brain, meet 'electrical contractor' Bobby Vita, and learn that I just might be a teenage girl. Enjoy.
Every once in a while the sheer volume of celebrity bullshit, political hypocrisy and general absurdity becomes too much for one man to handle. In times such as these instead of becoming determined I simply get lazy, assembling the aforementioned flotsam into a single post dubbed Remains of the Days, which you are now reading. Not only is this an easy way for me to burp up another post, this crap should also keep y'all sated while I unglue myself from the blog for a few days to kick my clogs off and enjoy the holiday weekend. In this installment we delve deep into Tom Cruise's scientolirific brain, meet 'electrical contractor' Bobby Vita, and learn that I just might be a teenage girl. Enjoy.
- What's worse, rumors that you're a closeted homo or rumors that you've gone completely batshit? Neither actually, the truth that you're an evangelistic Scientologist is the worst. Seriously, what the hell has happened to Tom Cruise? Liquid Generation gives the Cruise/Holmes publicity-fueling romance the proper treatment here.
- Speaking of Tom Cruise, does your corporate logo resemble a penis? If so, you may be due for an award. Respect the cock! (audio)
- It's been a tough week for the perverts of America. No more Viagra, no more penile implants and no more trips to Six Flags – what's a convicted sex offender to do??
- Bobby Vita, Electrical Contractor: "You want to know what I do in my spare time, honey? I express my feelings with all sorts of women." It is both heartening and frightening that guys like this still exist.
- We have a follow-up to that Striped Shirt story from a few Remains ago: Look at my turned up collar! Fucking Look at it!!!
- Perhaps the Dutch have too much freedom...
- Hey mainstream media, I heard something about a memo that was leaked about a month ago, I think it's called the Downing Street Memo or something. Anyway, supposedly this memo confirms suspicions that the Bush administration manipulated intelligence in order to persuade the country to support its Iraqi misadventure. Do you think maybe we could get a little coverage of this? What's that? Chris Tucker is taking the stand in the Michael Jackson trial?? Oh, never mind then.
- Where in the world would anyone get the idea that America demonstrates an insensitivity and intolerance toward non-Christian faiths?
- Couldn't be this type of attitude, could it? A Baptist church in North Carolina is apparently perfectly fine with the concept of engaging in global Holy War. You got a problem with that?
- Speaking of religion, did y'all hear Jesus Christ is moving to West Virginia to enjoy a slower lifestyle?
- Damn scientists, with their big fancy words and their Jesus-hating theories about bones and stuff.
- Look who's coming to dinner. While President Bush can't seem to get a commitment from terror suspect Syed Maswood, he can take solace in the fact that porn star Mary Carey has gladly accepted his invitation. You know what they say, keep your enemies close and your double-D's even closer.
- A dingo ate my baby!! And I've got the t-shirt to prove it!
- Bloggers destroy Chinese Communism. Hooray for bloggers!
- "The typical blogger continues to be a teenage girl who uses the medium primarily to communicate with five to 10 friends." So wait, does that mean that a bunch of teenage girls destroyed Chinese Communism?? Hooray for teenage girls! (oh great, there goes my season's pass to Six Flags) Well, at least this explains my sudden interest in Huckapoo and my increasing fascination with Justin Timberlake's butt.
- Ladies, are you looking for an innocent escape? Let the Brawny Man take you away.
- And now, Remains presents The World of Competitive Eating by Larry Getlen. Isn't that what they call Louisiana?
- Oh, and someone apparently tried to nuke Congress or something this week. And John McCain saved the day? Is that what happened? Ok, I can't feign ignorance here. I admit, I'm a politigeek and I actually did follow and sort of understand the Great American Filibuster Battle of 2005 while the rest of America said FiliWhat? Can't blame them, aside from Santorum going over the edge and dropping the H-bomb, the fight didn't offer much in the way of excitement. But just so you know, a compromise was reached and the dreaded "nuclear option" was averted. But what I still don't understand is why the Republicans would choose to pursue an option their boss can't even pronounce? Perhaps that's why they lost? Of course, the Democrats maybe didn't read the fine print... yes, we're going to have to kill Senator Byrd now.
- To end on a more serious note, please try and remember this weekend that Memorial Day is not about sales on washer-dryers and BBQs, it's about this. No matter what your position on the war is, remember that the soldiers who've given their lives aren't the ones who made the policy, they're simply doing their job and we should honor that. Thousands of men and women continue to put their lives on the line every day and we should take pause from our cookouts and baseball games to remember and thank them, no matter what we think of the assholes that put them there.
Comments:
Right on, right on, right on. Another hilarious blog with heart. I will remember those who fight this egregious war; all of them are my family; some of them are my relatives.
May most of them come home with their souls intact.
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May most of them come home with their souls intact.
# posted by 
: 5/26/2005 12:33 AM
: 5/26/2005 12:33 AM
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