DAYS

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One Mostly About the Pope
The past week hasn't been an easy one for religious types, what with the Pope's passing and Terri Schiavo's inevitable end. Hell, even Jerry Falwell was hooked up to a ventilator. Thankfully, I remain a godless heathen, so my week has been pretty ordinary – sacrificing virgins, tattooing pentagrams on my forehead, eating babies – you know, the usual. But now it's "All Pope, All the Time!" Seriously man, we haven't seen such extended mourning since that other deity, Ronald Reagan, kicked it. And you know what that means don't you? A Poperific Remains, that's what! Enjoy.

• Why headline writers need copy editors: Mourning Pilgrims Pitch Tents in Rome Streets
• Yesterday, the White House announced that President Bush would lead a US delegation featuring former presidents Clinton and Papa Bush to the Pope's funeral on Friday... which reminds me, what happened the last time the President visited the Pope? Oh yeah.
• Those rascally jokesters over at FOX News decided to play a little April Fools prank last Friday. Around 1 pm, anchor Sheperd Smith announced to viewers that the pope was indeed dead... about 26 hours before the Holy Father actually did. Gotcha! Not to be outdone, Internet muckracker and overall "Internet muckracker and overall "dick" Matt Drudge splashed "Pope Dies" across his front page at about the same time on Friday. Hey Matt, is eternal damnation worth the scoop? God is gonna be soooo pissed at you...
• Speaking of dicks, conservative commentator Sean Hannity, of Hannidate fame, has some mixed feelings about the Pope. In the wake of the pontiff's passing, it's been one big 'ol reverent gushfest over on Hannity's set. But a few years back, when the Pope scolded the Bushies for launching their adventure in Iraq, Hannity dubbed the holy father a "wild-eyed liberal loonie." Does this make Hannity a Pope flopper? Token lib Alan Colmes, as usual, was silent.
• The Pope's death vaults the pontiff's writings to the top of the best-seller charts. Uber-publisher and Bernie Kerik co-philanderer Judith Regan silently seethes, begins plotting which one of her author's to kill.
• Media saturation? You bet'cha! In the first 24 hours after the Pope's death, more than 35,000 stories appeared across the global media. 35,002 if you count FOX and Drudge's pre-death stories.
• And how did Hollywood mark the passing of JP2? With the box-office busting release of 'Sin City', a noirish romp featuring a canniballistic Cardinal in cahoots with a bible-thumping serial killer. Oh, and apparently also featuring Bruce Willis ripping a man's penis off. Seems appropriate, no? The Vatican will be happy to know however that Jessica Alba does not show her boobies in the film, which also means I’ll probably wait for the DVD release to see it.
• If you’re overwhelmed by all the hype surrounding the Pope, you better brace yourself. As millions of faithful followers lined the streets of Vatican City, dozens of Darth Tater! Also, when she's not busy scooping dead Republican advisers off her guest room floor, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) will be compiling notes from a diary she kept on the set of the first Star Wars movie and movie and turning them into a book.
• Best line so far from the Michael Jackson trial: "How long is Woody Woodpecker?"
• Unfortunately, there is now no chance for the phrase "if the underoos don't fit, you must acquit" to be uttered during the Jackson trial after the passing last week of famed OJ Simpson lawyer Johnnie Cochran.
• Quick, get your WingTunes here!
• Here I am struggling to get over this steroids thing when I find out about Ms. Wheelchair. I swear, everyone's a friggin' cheater man.
• It's been a busy couple of weeks for our favorite trashy pop couple. First, there was the rumor that Britney had been impregnated by her stinky, deadbeat dad of a husband Kevin Federline. These rumors quickly yielded vomit-inducing morphs of what the Fed/Spears baby may look like it. In response to said rumors, Britney wiped the Cheeto dust off her pudgy fingertips long enough to pound out a lengthy (for her) diatribe against the "false tabloids" on her website; People Magazine was, however, spared the White Trash wrath of Ms. Spears. I was relieved momentarily, thinking that maybe Britney had finally been pushed over the edge and would retreat from public view, but no dice. Just today it was announced that Britney and Kevin will soon be stinking up the UPN with their own reality show. Great, now we can all share in those intimate moments such as when Kevin pops the zits on Britney's back and Britney opens Kevin's bottle of Bud with her teeth. Thank you UPN.
• By the way, what's up with Britney's ex? Pumping his own apparently... nice hose J.Tim!
• Turning our attention away from the Kabbalaists and back toward real religion, the theory of evolution continues to serve as an easy target for the nutjobs on the far right. IMAX theaters in South Carolina recently refused to show a film about volcanoes because it referenced evolution. And in Pennsylvania, creationists recently whined that their opponents were using underhanded tools such as intelligence, logic and reason: "We've been attacked by the educated, intelligent segment of the culture." And hey, no fair using intelligence in George W. Bush's America.
• Who says there's no unity between religion? If anything can bring Christians, Muslims and Jews together, its bigotry! Leaders of the three religions recently joined forces to speak out against a planned Gay Pride march set for June in Jerusalem. The gathering prompted rabbi Yehuda Levin to proclaim, "This is not a homo-land. This is the Holy Land!" Oh Yehuda, you're such a card, you'd slay them in the Borscht Belt!
• While we're thinking about homos, listen to conservative wackjob Ann Coulter rail against Spongebob Squarepants at a recent appearance in Lawrence, Kansas.
• $50-thousand or the bunny here gets it!
• Former Secretary of State Colin Powell told a German publication last week that the US may have been "too loud" about Saddam's WMD during the run-up to the Iraq War causing damage to relations with Europe and the world. Yes, and it could also be the fact that you were "Dead Wrong" that did the damage.
• As usual, I'd like to finish with some more upbeat news. Because I know you've all been hoping real hard, I'm happy to report that the Lingerie Bowl has decided to expand. Hooray!