DAYS

Sunday, March 13, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One With Dan Rather's Courage
Yet another week has passed us by which can mean only one thing: I missed a bunch of shit. So, without further ado, here's that thing I do where I collect all that shit, put pretty bullets next to it and attach a few lame-ass comments. This week, Dan Rather gets gone, torture gets excused and Russell Crowe gets paranoid. And social security, by the way, remains boring.

In case you missed it, Dan Rather said farewell this week, but not before his curmudgeony predecessor Walter Cronkite could get in a few shots, meeeowww! But hey, at least Rather finished up on top. If only the folks at CBS had figured this formula out earlier – if they'd let the old man retire every night they could've totally owned the ratings. I'm just worried about these folks, what will they do?
Rather wasn't the only one who signed off this week. With visions of Janet Jackson's boob still dancing through his head, embattled FCC chairman Michael Powell left the building on Friday. As Powell choked back tears, he told his staff that "government service is not lucrative, it takes a painful toll on you." He then pulled out his boob and added, "but I've loved every goddam, fucking moment of it you slap-happy bastards. Suck my balls!"
Congratulations Fort Wayne, you're the dumbest city in America! Keep trying Corpus Christi, you're soooooo close!
Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher was forced to resign this week not because of shady defense contracts or questionable dealings with the goverment, but rather because he was boning some biddy from accounting. Said biddy must really be something special too: Harry's out about $38 million.
Zach Braff, Captain Morgan, Rosie O'Donnell... my god, who doesn't have a blog?? I suppose Harry Stonecipher's blog, firedforflirting.blogspot.com, will go live any day now.
Ok, so maybe blogs aren't as pervasive as we self-obsessed bloggers like to think. According to a recent Gallup poll, 56% of Americans have no idea what a blog is. Good, that means that 56% of the population still have lives. Kudos.
Since we're doing the numbers thing, only 36% of Americans approve of Bush's plan for social security. Of course, that's 36% of the .0001% of people who actually know what Bush's plan is. Seriously, other than AARP being labeled as gay-loving communists, the social security fight has failed to hold the nation's collective attention for more than... wait, what was that? Michael Jackson in pajamas? Holy shit!
Michael Jackson's confession: Is God, loves children, has horrifying penis.
Gladiator Russell Crowe revealed this week that al Qaeda had plotted to kidnap him back in 2001 as part of a "cultural destabilization plot." Apparently, Osama realized that no one gives a shit about Russell Crowe and decided to knock down a few buildings instead. So 9/11 is Russell Crowe's fault, because he didn't get kidnapped. God I hate Russell Crowe.
"He dumped his wife and now he's turned his back on his country." That's how the venerable New York Post begins its story on Lance Armstrong, cancer survivor, champion and universally well-liked guy. The rag labeled Lance a traitor after he 'sort of' endorsed Paris over New York to host the 2012 Olympics. Lesson learned: Ball cancer or not, if you cozy up to the French, the Post will smear the shit out of you.
Apparently, you can't make jokes about the Pope dying until he's actually dead.
Random weirdness of the week: Who wants bacon? Similar to that, don't forget tomorrow is Steak & BJ day! (yes, this is the week's most offensive bullet... deal with it)
Speaking of BJs, Playgirl editor Michele Zipp came out of the closet this week, as *gasp!* a Republican. Yes, Ms. Zipp says that the pimp daddys of the GOP make better lovers: "A war-loving Republican is a man who would fight, bleed, sacrifice, and die for his country. Could you imagine what that very same man would do for his wife in the bedroom?" Ummm, not sure, but if it has anything to do with fighting, bleeding or dying, count me out.
Oh, um, that whole "Iraq prison abuse" thing? Total fluke. No one's to blame. Just a few bad apples, ya know? Let's just pretend it never happened, ok? Sen. Jim Talent (R-Mo): "I don't need an investigation to tell me that there was no comprehensive or systematic use of inhumane tactics by the American military, because those guys and gals just wouldn't do it. That's why the terrorists are attacking us – because we're not the kind of society that would do that." Apparently, Mr. Talent missed a few memos.
Speaking of politicians completely divorced from reality, meet Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kan), chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee. In a single week, Roberts managed to squash investigations into both pre-war intelligence failures AND potential detainee abuse by the CIA, because really, who would ever suspect that the CIA could be wrong or abuse its power. Mr. Roberts efforts earned him Free Williamsburg's 'Douchebag of the Month' award. Congratulations senator, keep up the good work.
Oh, and President Bush told the world to go fuck itself this week when he appointed John Bolton as UN envoy. Glad to see the administration is working hard at this diplomacy thing.
Here, this will make you feel better: Spider Man Bible Stories!