DAYS

ON A MISSION FROM GOD
Quick Quiz: Guess who the "he" is in the following quote?

"He said God had given him directions that he should do something to people who aren't worthy of living. He viewed himself as some sort of instrument of God, to take care of bad people."

Another assessment of our pious President? Well, no. Actually, this is Morgan Cavanaugh, owner of Moriarty's Pub in Cleveland, responding to questions about his discussions with suspected Halloween rapist Peter Braunstein. But confusing this statement, about a suspected sex fiend, with the president's own divine revelations is certainly understandable. After all, God's role in Bush's decision-making has been well documented.



The most recent revelation that God and Bush are likethis comes from The New Yorker's Seymour Hersh, who reaffirmed the president's belief that he is on a personal mission from God to bring democracy to Iraq:

After the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, the former official said, he was told that Bush felt that 'God put me here' to deal with the war on terror. The President's belief was fortified by the Republican sweep in the 2002 congressional elections; Bush saw the victory as a purposeful message from God that 'he's the man,' the former official said. Publicly, Bush depicted his re-election as a referendum on the war; privately, he spoke of it as another manifestation of divine purpose.

This comes on the heels of last October's news that Bush had told a Palestinian delegation in 2003 that God had told him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. This is scary stuff folks. This is the guy considered to be the, ahem, leader of the free world.

This quote, from Thomas Szasz, seems to be extremely appropriate right now: "If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia."

But the President isn't alone in his brush with divinity. Here are a few others who have claimed personal relationships with the Supreme Being, and the result of their godly cuddling.

Pat Robertson
Holy bloviating windbag! This cat has claimed to have a close relationship with God for a long time now, but one of his more recent revelations on this matter was this prediction during the 2004 election: "I think George Bush is going to win in a walk. I'm hearing from the Lord that it's going to be a blow-out."

RESULT: God was half-right on this one. Bush won, sort of, but he failed to cover the massive spread set forth by the God/Robertson booking agency. Pat must've lost a bundle on the deal because he's really lost it of late, threatening not only to asassinate foreign leaders but to bring God's wrath down upon small Pennsylvanian towns. Serious. Raging Nuthole. Really, he hasn't sounded this insane since his crusade against Tinky Winky. He still makes a mean pancake though.

Oral Roberts
In 1980, Christian evangelist Oral Roberts said he had a vision of a 900-foot-tall Jesus, who encouraged him to build the City of Faith Medical and Research Center, the largest health facility of its kind in the world. In 1987, Roberts told his followers that God had threatened to 'off' him if he didn't raise $8 million, and fast.

RESULT: The City of Faith towers were opened triumphantly to the sound of trumpets played by angels in 1981. In 1989, it closed unceremoniously with nary a trumpet or angel to be found. The full $8 million wasn't raised in time to meet God's deadline of March 1. Despite that, the good minister still walks the Earth in human form as most of us still wait for the Almighty to prove good on his threat.

Joan of Arc
A national heroine to the French, Joan's relationship with God began with visions at age 12. When she was only 17, she heeded God's call to reclaim her country from the English. Her efforts helped to end the siege at Orleans and led to the reclamation of many key territories from the Brits.

RESULT: If not for Joan, France could still very well be under British rule. If not for Joan, the French may not have proceeded to piss the Bill O'Reilly's of the world off as much as they have. For this reason alone, we give the God/Joan tandem a hearty nod of approval.

Michelle Williams (Destiny's Child)
In February '05, Michelle had this to say: "I was close to marriage. I prayed and said, 'God, you have to show me. If it ain't right, let me know'. All of a sudden, red flags started popping up…"

RESULT: Obscurity. Is Michelle the one to the left or the right of Beyonce?

Jake & Elwood Blues
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God."

RESULT: In addition to the craziest car chase in movie history, Illinois Nazis fell from the sky, random shopping malls were destroyed, whip-crackin renditions of 'Rawhide' were performed, and the entire band was incarcerated for life. But they saved the orphanage. Hallelujah.

God certainly does work in mysterious ways, doesn't he?

Oh, and to keep W. happy so he doesn't, you know, blow up a television station or something, let's be sure he gets one of these in his Holiday stocking this year, ok?

Bobble on my son.

MORE
Cole: Distant President Trapped in Utopianism
C&L: Sy Hersh on CNN
The Skip: Digital Divine
The Baghdad Brothers

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