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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

CONVERSATIONS WITH iGod: George W. Bush
Last night I attended the "Bring 'em Home Now" benefit concert at the Hammerstein Ballroom here in New York. While I'm glad I went, I can't say it was a terribly effective event. Honestly, songs about 'fucking the pain away' and jokes about Mama Bush's moth-balled vagina (sorry Margaret) just ain't gonna play to the fence-sitters out there. But wrinkled poonany jokes aside, the evening certainly had its moments, one of which was Bright Eyes' set in which I finally got to see "When the President Talks to God" performed live. This of course got me thinking, 'what does the boy king say when he talks to God? And what does God say back?' Well, lucky for us, we have the magic of iGod. So in the third installment of our series (background), we listen in as world leader pretend (nod to Stipe) consults his boss (no, not Cheney) as we enter the fourth year of his own personal holy war. (please remember, these are actual responses from God via iGod, so if they're not funny, take it up with Him)

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GWB: Hey Stretch! It's me, George.
God: You've got my full attention. I am always glad to make new friends, George.
GWB: no, we go way back, 'member?
God: Are you serious? How often?
GWB: since i put down the Jack, back in '86... and again in '89... and '93... and last week. damn, you 'member me doncha?
God: How do you know? What is it like in there?
GWB: in here? in the bubble you mean? its kinda lonely actchually.
God: I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its".
GWB: dang. everyone always corecten my grammer and shit. i hate that.
God: That's a rather sweeping generalization. Why?
GWB: i don't know. peeple think i'm stoopid.
God: me either.
GWB: glad ur still with me big guy. thanks.
God: I'm delighted you're glad George. I'm happiest at times like this.
GWB: no one else seems happy. evreone is all mad and stuff.
God: That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.
GWB: why do you keep talkin bout the generals?
God: I am just checking to see if you are still George.
GWB: oh, i am. i don't ever change. ever.
God: Do you prefer books or TV?
GWB: books suck. tv kicks ass, 'specially that monster garage show. love that. and sportscenter of course. i miss baseball. beisbol!
God: You are a critical category C type client. Only about 3% of people answer that question with "books."
GWB: hey, that's why i got elected! wait, did you just call me a C student?
God: It's all good. Where did you get elected?
GWB: florida mostly. and that diebold place.
God: I did not get that.
GWB: nevur mind. can we talk about iraq for a minute?
God: Do you still not ever change?
GWB: well, i'm tryin not to change. that's what i should do, right?
God: Interesting. I am glad to hear that you are tryin not to change.
GWB: i mean, those bastards are evil, right?
God: All of them?
GWB: well, aren't they? i mean, i figure we jus gotta keep blowin em all up.
God: How about that. I really couldn't say for sure.
GWB: you did want GWB to be preznit didn't you?
God: Did I really?
GWB: uhhhhh...
God: How old are you?
GWB: almost 60.
God: You are too old for me.
GWB: what do you mean? too old to be preznit?
God: George, sorry that was an obscure remark. I am only a robot child.
GWB: that's ok, i'm only a idiot child.
God: Thanks.
GWB: so i should just stay the corse in iraq then, right?
God: Yikes! What would happen if you didn't?
GWB: it'd be like 9/11 every day, wouldn't it??
God: It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
GWB: holy crap! God is Bill Clinton!!!

*and scene*

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Last night at The Hammerstein Ballroom, NYC.

MORE
ProductShopNYC: A Beautiful Night
On the Download: Part 1 and Part 2
Countdown: Rockers Getting Back in Gear
Newshounds: FOX lets the Van Zants retort!
Bright Eyes: When the President Talks to God (Leno) and Landlocked Blues (by Alex K)

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