DAYS

SLAP SOME SKINS
While DAYS is most certainly a political blog, we sometimes veer off into other topics. This is one of those times. This post does however mention a certain Bush and a certain Dick in a less-than-favorable way, so we’re not veering too far.

Regular readers know that I live in Brooklyn. They also know that I love the borough with all my heart. That said, my first and only true urban love affair is with the city I grew up in, Seattle.



I spent my formative years there. I have many friends and family there. And I think it’s one of the most beautiful places on earth. I’m also steadfastly loyal to the city’s sport franchises. Even after eight years here in Gotham, my home-team loyalties haven’t waned one iota. I love the Mariners. I love the Sonics. And I love the Seahawks, which brings us to this weekend.

Tomorrow afternoon the NFC’s best team, the Seattle Seahawks, will welcome the Washington Redskins to the loudest stadium in the NFL for a divisional playoff game. The winner will be one step closer to the Super Bowl. Both cities are excited for the game. Earlier this week, the Washington Post’s Tony Kornheiser amped up the rhetoric by penning this snide article blasting the Emerald City:

What's Seattle got going for it anyway? It rains all the time there. Stay more than three days and mold begins to form on your feet. Either that, or Mount St. Helens spews all over you. Which, I concede, may be better than Sean Taylor doing it.

“Excuse me, Tony, but Seattle is the home of Starbucks and Microsoft.”

That's swell. Very manly item, a venti caramel macchiato. And how terrifying can anything with "soft" in its name be? Don't even talk to me about "Pearl Jam."

Ouch. Pretty painful Tony. Thank god you didn’t really go for the jugular and make fun of our Needle. I don’t think we could've taken that.

Since you fired the first shot Tony, I feel it’s my duty to defend my fair city and blast yours in the process, which really isn’t that hard to do. To wit:

1. The weather? You're attacking our weather? Well let me just say this: DC is a goddam miserable swamp and perhaps the most disgusting place in the country during the summer months. Seriously, give me a refreshing downpour over that stifling, suffocating, sticky heat any day. No wonder everybody bolts in June.
2. The first travel tip in Fodor's DC? "Duck!"
3. DC has elected a known crack addict to public office. Three fucking times.
4. Seattle has been consistently ranked as one of the “fittest” cities in the country. DC is probably home to more fat, white guys than any other city on the planet.
5. Seattle is also often cited as the country’s “most literate” city. The jury is still out over whether or not your most (in)famous resident even knows how to read.
6. I notice you threw Pearl Jam into your cute little attack so let’s talk music for a minute. You’re right to recognize that Seattle gave birth to one of the most memorable rock revolutions to occur in the past 3 decades, but please remember that Seattle also contributed such luminary artists as Jimi Hendrix, Ray Charles and Quincy Jones. What has DC offered up? John Philip Sousa? Peaches & Herb? Peter fucking Tork? He wasn’t even the third-favorite Monkee. Even Nesmith was more popular than him.
7. How about cuisine? In the customary wager between mayors, Seattle has offered up a bounty of fresh salmon from the legendary Pike Place Market. Your city? Four chili dogs from Ben's Chili Bowl. Processed lips and assholes smothered in beans and ground chuck? Nice.
8. Bush and Cheney don't live in our city.
9. Redskins players are a class act... that is, if the definition of “class act” is 'players who hock loogies into their opponent's faces'. Stay classy Redskins.
10. Oh, and your quarterback? He's from Seattle, so suck it you nit.

Man, I didn’t even get to the corruption carnival that is your city, nor did I mention the blatantly racist nickname of your team. But the Seattle Times’ Steve Kelley did in his retort, so we’re all good. Kelley also chimes in with this:

Last week at Tampa Bay, Washington's offense was as nonexistent as Iraq's WMDs. And it was reported on some blogs Thursday that Joe Gibbs received a call from the President.

"Gibbsy," Bush said, "you're doin' a heck of a job."

The kiss of death.

Go Seahawks. And bite me Tony Kornheiser.

(click to enlarge)

MORE
Seattle Times: Seahawks Coverage
AP: Seahawks Quest A Civic Duty
Seattlest: Seahawks Round-up
Deadspin: The Clinton Portis Files
Official: Seahawks Team Site

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