Friday, April 29, 2005
I'm off to Canada to drink with the McKenzie Brothers for the next week, so you'll have to talk amongst yourselves. Here, I'll give you a topic: Guinea pigs aren't pigs, nor are they from Guinea. Discuss. (Or, if you prefer, you can ponder exploding toads.)
Back soon... that is, assuming they let me back in the country – I noticed a lot of .gov addresses on my traffic log after Wonkette linked me. *gulp*
No point in steering now.
After having its plant-a-fake-journalist(gay pornographer)-in-the-briefing-room tactic outed by that pesky liberal press, the White House adopts Plan B, also known as the "threaten them with a camel prod" plan.
Ok, so my prediction about last night's primetime presser didn't come true, but we did get a welcome addition to the DUHbya files: "It's in our country's interest to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." Nice. (thx again Wonkette)
The president also uttered this 'no-shit' beauty: "I'm sure there are some people that don't like me." Un-huh. You know who really doesn't like you today Mr. President? Fans of The OC, that's who. Pre-empting American primetime television is the ultimate sin – but pre-empting it to talk about such inane and unimportant topics as Iraq, social security and the burgeoning energy crisis? Feh! Bush may as well have pissed on John Wayne's grave and spit in Babe Ruth's eye.
While Bush did leave OCists out on a ledge, he spared Paris Hilton and Donald Trump fans, proving he does know he's core constituency: the dumb and the rich. Besides, the OC already kinda hated him anyway.
WAPO: The Gambler
E&P: The President Meets the Press in Primetime
Voice: Mr. Smith Meets the Rock in Primetime
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Do you have something to share with us Mr. President? The White House has announced that President Bush will host a prime-time news conference this evening, the focus of which is reported to be social security reform and Bush's energy policy. But recent news spewing forth from the halls of the presidential residence make me wonder whether Bush may have some more fabulously scandalous revelations for us tonight. Consider this:
Exhibit A: While in Galveston, Tex. earlier this week, Bush inquired of local reporters whether they still had "Splash Day", a start-of-summer celebration which the president is apparently quite familiar with. Funny thing though: Splash Day is a celebration primarily for gay men and women. Purple-faced Bush supporters have claimed Splash Day hasn't always been an affair for the gay and lesbian community, and that it certainly wasn't during the president's youthful days. But a little googling indicates that, in fact, it's always been kinda gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Exhibit B: It was reported earlier this week that infamous conservative "journalist" and amateur gay pornographer/escort Jeff Guckhert/Gannon visited the White House 196 times over the past two years. While presumably there to cover press briefings, the secret service records released this week indicate that, on several occasions, Guckhert "checked in but was never processed out." Um, does this mean he slept over? Also disturbing: "Guckert either entered or exited by a different entry/exit point than his usual one." Ewwww. A whole load more on this can be found here.
Exhibit C: Monday's hand-in-hand tip-toe through the bluebonnets with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah.
Exhibit D: That new Food Pyramid the administration revealed last week seems kind of, uh, gay. Thanks to Wonkette for pointing this out.
Exhibit E: Last February, at the State of the Union address, Bush created quite a storm after an uncomfortably long kiss with Sen. Joe Lieberman was caught on tape. No, really, we have the video.
Exhibit F: Then there was that whole "pretty face" hoo-ha back in January 2004. While in Canada, Bush had this to say about Prime Minister Paul Martin's press secretary: "Well, you got a pretty face. You got a pretty face. You're a good-looking guy. Better looking than my Scott anyway." Hmmmm.
So, in summary...
+ + + + + = ??
Tune in tonight at 8:30 EST to find out!
Stay Fabulous Mr. President!
Monday, April 25, 2005
Awwww, how cute... looks like someone has a case of spring fever!
I guess no one can say Bush isn't willing to do anything (or anyone) to bring oil prices down. By the way, is this the 'mandate' he's been talking about?
Cheney: 'Don't even think about it Junior.'
WebMD: Spring Fever
USAT: Friendly gesture is political message
AP: Spring turns dusty ranch into haven
AP: Bush energy bill will raise gas prices
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Yes it's that time again, time to dig deep into that pile of unused celebrity gossip, political hijinks and general weirdness permeating the internets to puke up yet another edition of Remains of the Days. While it seems as though pop tartlet Britney Spears has been preggers in every single previous installment of Remains, this is the edition where the news becomes official. Along with Britney's spawn, this week's Remains features Spiderman's downward spiral, Hootie's rodeo resurgence and Tyra Banks losing her Top Model shit. Enjoy.
- Britney Spears, barefoot and pregnant? Well, at least that explains this photo. Yep, the news finally hit the papers last week that Britney's husband, professional layabout and prolific baby-maker Kevin Federline, had impregnated the trashy popster. While Days is extremely happy for the couple, there is reason for some concern. First of all, mom-to-be may not be the brightest bulb in the box as evidenced (most recently) when Brit was conned by a 9-year-old. Then of course there's the whole issue of Papa Federline's... well, he himself is just kind of one big concern isn't he? I mean really Kevin, if you can't even afford to pay for your own bagel, how ya gonna support Baby Cheeto?
- ISO SWM w/ killer eyes, a love of children and a boat. Willing to relocate, if necessary, to San Quentin. U+ME=SOULM8S!
- Quick Spiderman, save the day!! "Fine, but first let me pound this sixer and suck down a bag of pork rinds, ok?" Seriously, get help Seabiscuit – you're scaring the children.
- Intimate E-mail Failures: 'I kind of glanced at your message after trying to send it the 34,508th time.' (This is F'ing Brilliant.)
- Further evidence that playing too much chess will drive you completely insane.
- On a bright, sunny day in Los Angeles last week Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson, Al Sharpton, Magic Johnson, Jesse Jackson, P.Diddy, Stevie Wonder and Mayor Willie Brown were all spotted within slapping distance of one another. And still, California hasn't tumbled into the sea... how is that possible?
- AgitProp takes a look at this month's Rapture Index – get ready, it's coming!
- I have a confession: I love America's Next Top Model. I can't explain it, I can't defend it, all I know is I can't stop watching it. Believe me, I've resisted far greater reality temptations – Survivor, The Apprentice, American Idol – in the past. Hell, even The Littlest Groom didn't suck me in, and everyone knows I have a thing for midgets (who doesn't?). But there's something about totally vapid, naive (and hot!) young women being put through a laughable hell on a weekly basis that I just can't resist.* Throw in a Tyra Banks conniption fit and you have what I believe to be the perfect hour of television. (scroll to the bottom for the video)
- They shoot cats in Wisconsin, don't they?* (Thanks to Bobby P.)
- Wow, those NFLers are just a bunch of bigots. Not only do they hate gays, they now apparently hate Mexicans too. Sheesh.
- Well, it's official, Iraq's a real democracy now – they've got their first reality show.
- I really do hate Tom DeLay, but I think I'd party with his daughter.
- Speaking of Mr. DeLay, here's a question for him from the Washington Times: "Have you ever crossed the line of ethical behavior in terms of dealing with lobbyists, your use of government authority or with fundraising?" Mr. DeLay: "Ever is a very strong word." Yes, and so is disgrace.
- Another Remains regular, FOX News' loudmouth Sean Hannity, is keeping things fair and balanced... and scripted. During a recent broadcast of his show, Hannity was caught between commercials coaching his guests (2nd item), two former nurses of Terri Schiavo, about how to stay on message and stick to the conservative party line. Harry Shearer of Simpsons and Spinal Tap fame somehow got hold of the audio and aired it on his Le Show (which is brilliant by the way). If you haven't already picked one up, I think it's about time to invest in a FOX Blocker.
- The Biggest Dangers on Earth: So many things to be worried about... super volcanoes, robot takeovers – and they don't even mention Bush. Of course, we all know how the world will really end, don't we?
- Approval ratings on Bush, Congress and Arnie have been plummeting. Perhaps Bush's drop can be blamed on his lame-ass music taste? And I blame this photo for Arnie's drop.
- 5 things you didn't know about that Burger King commercial (you know the one), kindly brought to our attention by some guy who apparently needs to get laid real bad. Or maybe he just needs a Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. 1. The breasts grow on trees; 2. Vida Guerra has the "fattest ass ever"; 3. This guy's mom is a porn star, apparently; 4. Ranch is not only a location, but a sauce; 5. It was this or gay porn for Hootie.
- Happy Passover everyone! Don't worry, the Viagra's kosher.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Is it just me, or does anyone else think the new pope looks a little like Yoda?
Separated at Birth?
Congratulations to Joe Ratzinger, aka Pope Benny XVI, aka "God's Rottweiler."
I had no idea God had any pets, let alone rottweilers. Guess that's just one more sign (ok, the first one) that God and rapper DMX are one and the same. Oh, and Don Henley is so going to hell now.
Monday, April 18, 2005
They held a little gun show down in Texas over the weekend. Let's listen in...
"Remember the Alamo! Shoot 'em! To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead. Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em." – unstable rocker Ted Nugent (you know he's on the iBush!)And we're supposed to be worried about activist judges? How about activist politicians and activist butt-rockers?
"It's not just about the issues we are talking about here. They [liberals] really don't like our country." – Rep. Henry Bonilla (R-TX)
"When a man is in trouble or in a good fight, you want to have your friends around, preferably armed. So I feel really good." – Rep. Tom DeLay, frequent flyer, porn
financier, nepotism fan and House Majority Leader (R-TX)
Bill Maher: Help Tom DeLay
SLT: 'Great, now I gotta pay my wife $500k too.'
Frank Rich: Get DeLay to the Church on Time
Drumbeat: Daily DeLay
"No one is allowed at our BBQs unless they're an NRA member!" – The Nuge
Conclave starts today, better fill those brackets out. The potential Duke/Ratzinger matchup in the Flaggellant Four sure is enticing. Good luck everyone!
So, wait, the black smoke means Cardinal Bertone brought the good shit, right?
Dude, quit bogarting the beatific bong...
AP: Smoke Tradition Dates Back Over a Century
NYDN: Catty Cardinals Sling Mud
New Pope gets to pick his own name. (hope the world's ready for Pope Diddy)
National Review: How about Pope Bubba?
Musto: "I'm surely going straight to hell if I say anything critical of the late pope John Paul II, but according to him, I was heading there in a handbasket anyway, so what the fuck."
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Perhaps the best front page of the New York Post ever.
If I were forced to leave NYC tomorrow, I would be ok with it. I now feel complete.
Even better, judging from the photo in the article she appears to be a fan of my beloved Seattle Supersonics. Simply Awesome.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Honestly, I don't quite know what to say about this. Some genius named Dennis Madalone has decided to give that 'ol patriot Lee Greenwood a run for his money. The flags, the angels, the mullet – this is a must see:
America, We Stand As One
Really, this masterpiece makes Lee's "God Bless the USA" seem like amateur night at the Carousel Dinner Club. But by far the greatest thing about Mr. Madalone and his epic ode to God and country are the parodies it will no doubt inspire, the first of which may be impossible to top:
America, We Stand As One (Fu*k Yeah! Remix)
Take that Lee!
Lee Greenwood: Official Site
Lee Greenwood, Draft Dodger?
God Bless the USA: Singalong with Brownielocks & The 3 Bears!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Senate confirmation hearings for President Bush's selection as the country's next ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, began yesterday. Truth be told, I've been terribly upset ever since Bolton was nominated to the post a month ago. Am I upset because Bolton is considered to be a "loose cannon" and a bully by many of his peers? Or is it because he once said that lopping 10 stories off the UN Building here in New York wouldn't make a bit of difference? Am I upset because Jesse Helms considers him to be "the kind of man with whom he like to stand at armageddon"? Or is it because Bolton was a key player in the promotion of the since debunked Niger-uranium claim that helped push this country to war in Iraq?
While all these things do create valid concern in my head, they aren't the reason I haven't been able to sleep at night. No, what's really being keeping me awake is the guy's mustache. Seriously, if this whole UN ambassadorship thing doesn't work out for him, he's clearly a ready-made candidate for a new Got Milk? campaign.
Maybe this is exactly the reason Bush selected him. Oh sure, it could be that BushCo feels Bolton is just the man to finally demolish that pesky UN with its treaties and diplomacy and other such nonsense, or it could simply be because the 'stach makes W. giggle.
I've also been having a difficult time deciding who it is that Bolton reminds me of:
Is it Yosemite Sam?
Or is it a character from a Sam Peckinpah film?
How about Buffalo Bill? Does he remind anyone of Buffalo Bill?
Ummm, how about professional golfer Craig Stadler?
No, dammit that's not it. Wait, I've got it! He's a dead ringer for Wally Walrus!
Goo Goo G'joob indeed. Have mercy.
The Beatles: I Am the Walrus
Daily Show: 'Like appointing Dracula to the Blood Bank'
NYT: The Worst of the Bad Nominations
Washington Note: Ongoing Coverage
Opposition Group: Stop Bolton
Code Pink protests the hearings: 'All that bravery and not one of them has any balls.'
Guess what? George W. Bush enjoys country music. Surprise! As you've no doubt heard by now, the president has wrangled himself an iPod, which I believe officially indicates that Apple's hipper-than-thou gadget has officially jumped the shark.
Yep, earlier this week a presidential aide revealed some of the tracks currently playing on iPod One. Not surprising in the least are country artists such as Alan Jackson, Kenny Chesney and George Jones. The inclusion of The Knack's My Sharona, a sly nod to pedophilia ("always get it up for the touch of the younger kind") may, however, raise a few eyebrows.
Frankly, what was revealed from Dubya's playlist is quite boring and middle of the road, or, as Rolling Stone's Joe Levy put it, "safe, reliable and loving." Loving? Ummm, ok. Of course, only a portion of the playlist was revealed. Toby Keith's super-jingoistic, Arab ass-kicking anthem "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue" wasn't revealed, but I'm sure it made the cut.
It was also revealed that the president is only rocking about 250 songs on his 10,000 song capacity iPod. And while all those Billy Graham speeches and the entire "Left Behind" audio book series surely take up a lot of memory, I think Dubya may have room for a few more. Some suggestions:
- When the President Talks to God by Bright Eyes
- Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode
- Devil Inside by INXS
- You Dropped A Bomb On Me by The Gap Band
- World Destruction by Afrika Bambaataa & John Lydon
- It's the End of the World As We Know It by R.E.M.
- A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free by Elliot Smith
- Bu$hleaguer by Pearl Jam
- If I Only Had A Brain by Ray Bolger
- American Idiot by Green Day
- Cocaine In My Brain by Dillinger
- White Lines by Grandmaster Flash
- Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears
- Gimme Some Truth by John Lennon
- Fortunate Son by CCR
- Blow Up the Outside by Soundgarden
- War Pigs by Ozzy Osbourne
- Killing an Arab by The Cure
- Jesus Hold My Hand by John Ashcroft
- Move On by Mike Doughty
- Land of Confusion by Genesis
- Gay Messiah by Rufus Wainwright
- Know Your Rights by The Clash
- Pearl Necklace by ZZ Top
- P.I.M.P. by 50 Cent
- Y.M.C.A. by The Village People
iPod: The GWB Special Edition
Ad Campaign: Rockin' the iRaq
WhiteHouse.org: A few more suggestions
Nation: Analyzing the Presidential Playlist
Patrick Ruffini: Get Your Prez iMix Here!
Not Your Usual Bollocks: From the UK
AgitProp: Even more!
Ah ha! Our president may not be as dumb as everyone thinks, he's found Ariel Sharon's weakness: Sugary Treats!
President George W. Bush offers chocolates wrapped in Israeli flags to Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon during their meeting at Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas April 11, 2005.
Well, how else do you think Bush could've persuaded Sharon to agree to the removal of settlements? It's the chocolates stupid.
Monday, April 11, 2005
As a community service, Days would like to offer the following advice for anyone planning a trip to visit the historic sites on display in our nation's capital.
Drop your luggage off at your hotel before visiting the US Capitol or other houses of government. And bring friends!
Always be aware of your surroundings, and be sure to look behind you at all times.
Dark clothes and sunglasses can create suspicion, so be sure to wear bright, non-threatening attire. Anything with an American flag on it will do. Tie-dye should be avoided at all costs.
Good luck, and have a safe and pleasant stay in DC.
Oh, and don't forget bail money!
Man With Suitcases Captured at Capitol
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
REMAINS of the DAYS: The One Mostly About the Pope
The past week hasn't been an easy one for religious types, what with the Pope's passing and Terri Schiavo's inevitable end. Hell, even Jerry Falwell was hooked up to a ventilator. Thankfully, I remain a godless heathen, so my week has been pretty ordinary – sacrificing virgins, tattooing pentagrams on my forehead, eating babies – you know, the usual. But now it's "All Pope, All the Time!" Seriously man, we haven't seen such extended mourning since that other deity, Ronald Reagan, kicked it. And you know what that means don't you? A Poperific Remains, that's what! Enjoy.
- Why headline writers need copy editors: Mourning Pilgrims Pitch Tents in Rome Streets
- Yesterday, the White House announced that President Bush would lead a US delegation featuring former presidents Clinton and Papa Bush to the Pope's funeral on Friday... which reminds me, what happened the last time the President visited the Pope? Oh yeah.
- Those rascally jokesters over at FOX News decided to play a little April Fools prank last Friday. Around 1 pm, anchor Sheperd Smith announced to viewers that the pope was indeed dead... about 26 hours before the Holy Father actually did. Gotcha! Not to be outdone, Internet muckracker and overall "Internet muckracker and overall "dick" Matt Drudge splashed "Pope Dies" across his front page at about the same time on Friday. Hey Matt, is eternal damnation worth the scoop? God is gonna be soooo pissed at you...
- Speaking of dicks, conservative commentator Sean Hannity, of Hannidate fame, has some mixed feelings about the Pope. In the wake of the pontiff's passing, it's been one big 'ol reverent gushfest over on Hannity's set. But a few years back, when the Pope scolded the Bushies for launching their adventure in Iraq, Hannity dubbed the holy father a "wild-eyed liberal loonie." Does this make Hannity a Pope flopper? Token lib Alan Colmes, as usual, was silent.
- The Pope's death vaults the pontiff's writings to the top of the best-seller charts. Uber-publisher and Bernie Kerik co-philanderer Judith Regan silently seethes, begins plotting which one of her author's to kill.
- Media saturation? You bet'cha! In the first 24 hours after the Pope's death, more than 35,000 stories appeared across the global media. 35,002 if you count FOX and Drudge's pre-death stories.
- And how did Hollywood mark the passing of JP2? With the box-office busting release of 'Sin City', a noirish romp featuring a canniballistic Cardinal in cahoots with a bible-thumping serial killer. Oh, and apparently also featuring Bruce Willis ripping a man's penis off. Seems appropriate, no? The Vatican will be happy to know however that Jessica Alba does not show her boobies in the film, which also means I’ll probably wait for the DVD release to see it.
- If you’re overwhelmed by all the hype surrounding the Pope, you better brace yourself. As millions of faithful followers lined the streets of Vatican City, dozens of Darth Tater! Also, when she's not busy scooping dead Republican advisers off her guest room floor, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) will be compiling notes from a diary she kept on the set of the first Star Wars movie and movie and turning them into a book.
- Best line so far from the Michael Jackson trial: "How long is Woody Woodpecker?"
- Unfortunately, there is now no chance for the phrase "if the underoos don't fit, you must acquit" to be uttered during the Jackson trial after the passing last week of famed OJ Simpson lawyer Johnnie Cochran.
- Quick, get your WingTunes here!
- Here I am struggling to get over this steroids thing when I find out about Ms. Wheelchair. I swear, everyone's a friggin' cheater man.
- It's been a busy couple of weeks for our favorite trashy pop couple. First, there was the rumor that Britney had been impregnated by her stinky, deadbeat dad of a husband Kevin Federline. These rumors quickly yielded vomit-inducing morphs of what the Fed/Spears baby may look like it. In response to said rumors, Britney wiped the Cheeto dust off her pudgy fingertips long enough to pound out a lengthy (for her) diatribe against the "false tabloids" on her website; People Magazine was, however, spared the White Trash wrath of Ms. Spears. I was relieved momentarily, thinking that maybe Britney had finally been pushed over the edge and would retreat from public view, but no dice. Just today it was announced that Britney and Kevin will soon be stinking up the UPN with their own reality show. Great, now we can all share in those intimate moments such as when Kevin pops the zits on Britney's back and Britney opens Kevin's bottle of Bud with her teeth. Thank you UPN.
- By the way, what's up with Britney's ex? Pumping his own apparently... nice hose J.Tim!
- Turning our attention away from the Kabbalaists and back toward real religion, the theory of evolution continues to serve as an easy target for the nutjobs on the far right. IMAX theaters in South Carolina recently refused to show a film about volcanoes because it referenced evolution. And in Pennsylvania, creationists recently whined that their opponents were using underhanded tools such as intelligence, logic and reason: "We've been attacked by the educated, intelligent segment of the culture." And hey, no fair using intelligence in George W. Bush's America.
- Who says there's no unity between religion? If anything can bring Christians, Muslims and Jews together, its bigotry! Leaders of the three religions recently joined forces to speak out against a planned Gay Pride march set for June in Jerusalem. The gathering prompted rabbi Yehuda Levin to proclaim, "This is not a homo-land. This is the Holy Land!" Oh Yehuda, you're such a card, you'd slay them in the Borscht Belt!
- While we're thinking about homos, listen to conservative wackjob Ann Coulter rail against Spongebob Squarepants at a recent appearance in Lawrence, Kansas.
- $50-thousand or the bunny here gets it!
- Former Secretary of State Colin Powell told a German publication last week that the US may have been "too loud" about Saddam's WMD during the run-up to the Iraq War causing damage to relations with Europe and the world. Yes, and it could also be the fact that you were "Dead Wrong" that did the damage.
- As usual, I'd like to finish with some more upbeat news. Because I know you've all been hoping real hard, I'm happy to report that the Lingerie Bowl has decided to expand. Hooray!
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Can we, for a moment, try and ignore that elephant? Let's just pretend there are no clouds hovering overhead and that's its a crystal clear spring day. That's what baseball's Opening Day has always meant to me, the start of spring. And how can you not be happy about that? Even if you're not a baseball fan, you can't be unhappy about an event that signals sunny skies, fresh cut grass and cold beer. So yeah, let's ignore that elephant.
Opening Day has always filled me with hope. Growing up, my childhood naivete even allowed my head and heart to overflow every spring with the insane belief that maybe, just maybe, the early 80's Mariners teams of Barry Bonnell, Pat Putnam and Gaylord Perry had a shot to win the World Series. This strong irrational hope has been experienced by countless numbers of fans throughout history. It was the drive that kept Red Sox fans believing for 86 years. It's the thing that keeps Cubs fans from tossing themselves off the Sears Tower every fall. Its power is strong.
I guess I am a religious man, and baseball is my religion. So please, just for one moment, let me forget about that elephant, those clouds, and enjoy Opening Day for what it should represent: Spring, an irrational faith in the impossible, and good 'ol fashioned sportsmanship, as evidenced here.
Let's Play Ball.
Oh, and I'm sorry Red Sox, but as fun as it was to root for you as you brought down the Evil Empire, I have to hate you now too. Let's face it, with the Curse lifted you're just not the beloved underdogs anymore, you're simply the 2nd richest team in baseball and the defending champs.
So go Mariners. Beat the Red Sox. Beat the Yankees. Break the curse of The Gaylord.
Seattle Mariners (Official Site)
Gammons: What Baseball Needs
"I reckon I tried everything on the old apple, but salt and pepper and chocolate sauce topping."
Saturday, April 02, 2005
"Love, in a word, is the gift of self." -- Pope John Paul II, 1993
Friday, April 01, 2005
Today marks the final post of the brief but rewarding Days blog. I have enjoyed spouting bullshit at you all for the past year, but I have taken a position in DC as an aide to House Speaker Tom Delay, one of the few remaining fair, honest and ethical politicians on The Hill.
A bid you all a fond farewell. Wish me luck!