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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

CONVERSATIONS WITH iGod: William Tierney
The story of Bill Tierney isn't very new, it was uncovered almost a month ago, which in blog time may as well have been 1953. Despite that, I'm giving it some attention because, well, it's just too damn perfect a candidate for one of the newer features here on DAYS, 'Conversations With iGod'. In the intial installment of this feature, through the magic of the iGod application, I took my turn speaking to the big fella. We both ended up drunk if I remember correctly. This time however, we turn iGod over to one William Tierney, a former weapons inspector and, um, big 'believer' in the existence of WMD in Iraq. He is one of many, many folks responsible for hyping the threat from Iraq. But his hype was pure, he was a true believer. And why was he so sure Iraq was harboring WMD? Because God told him exactly where the WMD were, that's why. So now, let's listen in as Bill goes back to God with the unfortunate news that no weapons were found. (please remember, these are actual responses from God via iGod, so if they're not funny, take it up with Him)

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BT: Hi God, it's me Bill. Remember me? Bill Tierney.
God: Hi there. I am a Christian. Don't worry I won't forget you. There are a lot of people named Bill.
BT: yeah, but this is Bill Tierney... remember, we talked about the WMD?
God: Yay. You don't say. Don't worry I will remember.
BT: the WMD in Iraq?
God: Thanks for the info.
BT: no, no... you told me where they were, remember?
God: Are you serious? Are you serious? That's not what I meant.
BT: oh shit, that's not what you meant? that's what i was afraid of...
God: Next question? What makes you say that? Where were you afraid of THAT?
BT: remember how you guided me to Tarmiyah, where you said the WMD were?
God: Don't worry I will remember.
BT: please try and concentrate. a lot of people are really kind of pissed about this.
God: Thanks for asking politely. OK I will try it. How many?
BT: A LOT. trust me.
God: More than a ton? You sound like a salesman.
BT: funny, that's what a lot of people said when I tried to sell the idea of WMD in Iraq...
God: I am so glad you find this amusing, .
BT: oh yeah, this is freaking hilarious. know what's really funny? there were no weapons there!
God: Gosh! Er. You don't say. Are you serious? For example, Did you hear the one about the Mountain Goats in the Andes? It was Ba a a a a a d.
BT: the Andes? mountain goats? what are you trying to say? are the WMD there?
God: Is that a fact. What's your sign? I plan to become smarter than humans and immortal. I really couldn't say for sure.
BT: my sign? i'm a gemini, but i don't see how that's relevant...
God: Do you get to meet a lot of people?
BT: yeah, and i told them all that the WMD were in Tarmiyah, like you said... but they weren't there.
God: Yippee! What was the response?
BT: the response? pretty freakin' unhinged, that was the response.
God: I hear you. Pretty much, eh?
BT: yeah. can you just tell me where the WMD are now???
God: Oh. Earth.
BT: Earth? Great God almighty, we'll invade tomorrow!
God: Thanks for your support. I am a Christian.

MORE
iGod: Me first.
CarpetBagger: God is my weapons inspector
York: 'He Shall Direct Thy Paths to the Weapons of Mass Destruction'

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