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Monday, February 20, 2006

After a week jam-packed full of Dick jokes, innumerable movie and song parodies, and lines like 'wasn't there more uproar when Clinton's friend took a load in the face?', I think it's time to move on. Harry Birdman's apology to Big Dick on Friday just about ends this weeklong carnival which, frankly, is kind of sad.

But hey, could it be that we were a tad distracted by a little birdshot? Maybe we should check and see what we missed while the vice president was busy out hunting millionaire lawyer's faces? As the nation wagged its collective tongue about Big Dick's Elmer Fudd moment, the real devastating shit got pushed to the back pages. For instance...

.... did you hear about those photos? No, not of Abramoff and Bush, although that was another stifled story from this week. No, I'm talking about another collection of nation-shaming, administration-damning photos from already-infamous Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq that surfaced while we all laughed heartily about Deadeye Dick. And did you hear what the root of the entire Abu Ghraib scandal is? No, not that systematic torture was allowed to fester throughout the U.S. military, but rather that someone took pictures of it. Traitorous bastards and their traitorous digital cameras. Shame on them.

A few more 'bad apples.'

... Hurricane Katrina, one of the administration's many albatrosses (albatri?), should've been front and center all week as Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff (aka Skeletor) was roasted over the Congressional coals for his and the entire bumbling Bush brigade's response to last August's disaster. During the hearings, Chertoff said Katrina was "one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of my life," but no one really heard because we were too busy listening to Dick say that shooting his friend in the face was one of the "worst days of his life." Yes, I'm sure the agony Chertoff experienced felt just like being stranded on a rooftop for a week without food or water. And Cheney's probably felt almost as bad as having both legs blown off by an IED in the middle of the desert. What assholes.

A total disaster.

... Cheney himself moved forward aggressively in a full-court press to sway Republican members of Congress away from their skepticism on the administration's domestic spying program. And apparently, that press worked, as the Senate Cover-up Committee -- erm, Intelligence Committee, scuttled the need for a Congressional investigation toward the end of the week. Score on for Big Dick... and he didn't even have to load his gun for that one.

A big, huge Dick.

... remember all the attention that 'addicted to oil' line in Bush's State of the Union got last month? Well, it was just that, a line. More specifically, a line of crap. Bush's budget proposal includes one of the largest giveaways ever, in the form of royalty relief, to the nation's oil companies, they of the record profits. Not only that, the budget also introduces massive cuts to energy savings programs. So apparently, the way this administration treats addiciton is by giving more money to the dealers and disregarding all treatment programs. Brilliant. At least they didn't cut funding for cancer research or something... What's that? Oh jeebus, never mind.

Petroleum-filled jowels.

... by the way, Bush? Still not popular. Thirty-nine percent? So much for that, uh, 'bounce.'

Happy President's Day George!

... remember Valerie Plame? Scooter Libby? Patrick Fitzgerald? Ahhhh, it all seems like so long ago, doesn't it? Well, l'affair Plame rolls on, and got a whole lot more interesting last week. First off, did you hear that Cheney has the power to declassify intelligence? Yep, thanks to a 2003 executive order issued by Bush (and most likely written by Cheney), Big Time is as powerful as the president, which is good since he's been running the country for the past five years. This will also serve as a convenient defense once Fitzgerald's investigation exposes Dick's office as the nefarious hub of all spy outing activity, a revelation certain adminstration officials seemed determined to prevent from happening. By the way, did you hear that Plame may have actually been working on Iran's WMD program when she was outed? Which brings us to...

... Iran. Now just why would the administration want to kill a program looking into the WMD programs of one of the charter members of the Axis of Evil? Could it be that the results of Plame's meticulous espionage efforts don't hew with the story they want to tell to justify a pre-emptive strike on a sovereign nation? Nawww, they would never do
such a thing. And really, why would they waste so much time, energy and money to sell a war? Why not just manufacture a terrorist attack and save the effort? Hey, maybe they could enlist the help of the United Arab Emirates for something like that? They do, after all, control the nation's largest ports now. It's kismet!

Next week?

Man, after all that, this past week doesn't seem so funny anymore. I sure hope Donald Rumsfeld sinks a steel-tipped arrow into his 87-year old proctologist's kiester in an unfortunate crossbow accident this week so we have something to laugh at. The real issues are just too damn depressing.

Anyone wanna go hunting?

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