DAYS

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One With the Perforated Colon
It's that time again. Time to grab as many missed morsels of miscellany as we can before they slip down the memory hole for good. Ahhhhh yes, Remains. This little collection should also serve to keep y'all sated for a while, a good thing since I plan to ease up on the blogging a little this month. I figure if the president and Congress can take the whole of August off, I can take a little break too. Hey, I've got my own brush to clear man, get off my back. And don't worry, I fully intend to resume full-force mockery come football season. Until then, let Jessica Simpson, Jane Fonda and Bobby Brown take you away. Mahalo.

• They bone horses don't they? Well, they do in Enumclaw apparently. If you haven't seen this story yet, a Seattle man recently died after having sex with a horse. Lovely. I really could've gone without reading the phrase "perforation of the colon", but thank you anyway.
• Speaking of horse molestors, President Bush met with reporters in Texas Monday and emphasized his support for the teaching of "intelligent design" alongside evolution theory in schools. Let me tell you something, if you need more proof that intelligent design is full-on malarkey, you need look no further than the president himself. Design? Maybe. Intelligent? Not so much.
• A report recently revealed that American workers waste more than 2 hours per day at work, costing employers $759 billion per year. Not sure what others are wasting their time on, but in my case, it starts with a 'b' and ends with a 'logging'.
• Speaking of blogs, this guy doesn't like them. At all. ("If minds had anuses, blogging would be what your mind would do when it had to take a dump.")
• Damn. After reading that, I think I'm suffering a bout of blog depression.
• Two guys compared and stroked their rockets on CNN one morning last week. Good times.
• Check it out! Hilarious jokes about the president! Knee slappers, each and every one. Ha.
• In case you missed the memo, the "War on Terror" is over, and the "Struggle Against Violent Extremism" has begun. Catchy, no? How about we just call it Newspeak, ok? War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength. Yada, yada, yada. Seriously, a struggle? Infants struggle when they're learning to poop. This is so not a "struggle.
• Now wait, is Iraq part of the "War on Terror" or is it part of the "Struggle Against Violent Extremism"? I'm getting confused. All I know is that Iraq falls within the Cone of Instability. Seriously, who's in charge here? What the hell is going on?
• Hey Barbarella, can I give you a quick piece of advice? Stay home. Please. I know you mean well, but I just don't think this is going to help the cause all that much. Hey, how about starting a blog? I hear good things. How about it? Here, start here.
• You're not the only one upset about Iraq Jane, no siiiireeeee. Jessica Simpson is right there with you sister. Apparently, Iraq isn't nearly as much fun as Disney wants you to think it is.
• Yeah, yeah, I know, this summer has sucked ass. Terrorism, Iraq, boring DC scandals that don't involve blow jobs or interns, Tom freakin' Cruise. But you know what saves the whole thing? Being Bobby Brown, that's what. Pure Salvation, and the FourFour has covered Every Little Step of it. God bless you FourFour. You and Bobby and Whitney have saved summer.
• Many people have asked "Hey, how is New York now with all those random bag checks on the subways and shit?" As I haven't been searched myself, I have to rely on The New Yorker's eavesdrop account from Day 1 of the searches which show just how weird things have become: "Here’s a little tip. I like chocolate-chip cookies.” And "Salad? I don’t eat salad." And “If I’d been a boy, my parents would’ve named me Atticus.” Yep, shit sure has changed.
• While our fears of being blowed up on the subway have increased of late, it hasn't stopped New Yorkers from turning the city into a giant playground. From Dodgeball, to Capture the Flag to city-wide assasination games, the whole of the city seem to be at recess this summer. Wait, assasination games? Aren't we already running around in fear thinking we're about to be killed? Not sure about that one... but if I get to smoke my boss, count me in.
• You know, Super Mario Bros. never had anything like this... although it was oddly erotic whenever Luigi would slide down that pole. Is that weird?
• Oh for Smurf's sake. In case you haven't heard, the Smurfs are hitting the big screen. But wait, didn't NBC already do this a few years ago? And then, of course, there was this. (So NSFW!)
• The Family Guy Takes On Me. Ah-ha.
• George W. on a train with Samuel L. Jackson, and on late night with Christopher Walken. Just watch it.
• If you missed this when it made the rounds, go smoke a fattie and check it out. And if you didn't miss it? Go smoke a fattie and check it out again. So freaky, yet so cool.
• Along similar lines, check out Stick Figure Kung Fu Fighting. Fast as lightning I tell ya.
• Mark your calendars, August 20th will be Ashtastic! Yep, Hunter S. Thompson, as he wished, will truly become cannon fodder that day. Mahalo Gonzo, mahalo.
• And don't forget THE LEAK. It's what's important.