DAYS

Saturday, March 19, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One Where Baretta Goes Cowboying
Yes I know, I should probably be posting something about the fact that today marks the two-year anniversary of the start of the Iraq War. But I don't want to, it simply depresses me. You know what doesn't depress me though? Baretta's hummingbirds, Kevin Federline's BO and Monty Python's Spamalot – all those things kick ass over war! Enjoy this week's flotsam everyone.

In case you were wondering, it's apparently still ok to kill your wife in Los Angeles as long as you've appeared in either a 70s cop drama or one of the Naked Gun movies. Yes, that Little Rascal Robert Blake was acquitted of killing his wife Bonny Lee Bakley despite the flimsy alibi that he was busy retrieving his gun at the time she was shot. After the initial shock of literally getting away with murder wore off, Blake faced the media and got downright surly, responding with a terse "shut up!" when a reporter asked who he believed killed his wife. Blake quickly went from downright surly to outright crazy, launching into an incoherent ramble about hummingbird spats and 'Cowboying', which has something to do with Arizona, one-handed nine ball, 90-year-old Portuguese women, chess and high school productions of West Side Story. No really, that's what he said, read for yourself.
In other California courts news, the Michael Jackson case continued, sans pajamas, with Jacko's former housekeeper testifying that Neverland was like "Pinocchio's Pleasure Island." Seriously, can we get our Disney themes straight? Is it Peter Pan or Pinocchio? I'm getting confused.
But pop princess Britney Spears isn't confused, she knows what the King of Pop needs: A makeover! Yep, Britney advises MJ that if he would simply grow a moustache, pound a couple of beers and get in a fight, he'll be much happier. Good 'ol Britney, always there with some good 'ol boy advice.
Maybe Britney should direct some of her makeover magic toward husband Kevin Federline. It seems as though K-Fed's biggest (only) talent is his ability to clear a room. Maybe we should just call him Stinky Fed from now on?
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it!
Speaking of assholes in striped shirts, it was a rough week on Capitol Hill for us loony libs. First, the GOP-led Congress managed to push through a "bankruptcy bill" written by and for the credit card companies. Second, they finally gave Bush Co. the long-awaited green light to begin drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. But look on the bright side: More caribou meat for everyone! Yay!
Oh, and Bush managed to piss off the entire planet yet again this week when he appointed ultra-Hawk and Iraq War architect Paul Wolfowitz as head of the World Bank. At least we know Wolfy won't be wasting any money on fancy hair products... a comb and a little saliva works just fine, thank you very much. And Wolfy's plan to solve global poverty? Blow up all the poor people! (Watch The Daily Show's report on the Wolfowitz nomination here.)
Wolfowitz may be moving on up, but I know at least one Republican who no longer has a job. Last week's Remains included an item about Playgirl editrix Michelle Zipp's coming out as a Republican. Well, this week she was fired. Damn intolerant liberal media.
Hey Ashley Judd, what could possibly have kept you away from your beloved Kentucky Wildcats 1st and 2nd round games of the NCAA tournament? What's that you say? Nelson fucking Mandela?? Jesus Christ Ashley, what kind of loyalty is that??! God, next you'll tell us you're pregnant with the Louisville Cardinal's baby!
Monty Python may have finally made it to Broadway, but the question still remains: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow??
And once we're done with the bagpipes, we go after those pesky banjos!
My god, Demi Moore got S'punkd by Ashton! Or maybe it isn't true... oh, who cares! The rumor at least allowed Gawker readers to come up with possible baby names for the mixed-age, trucker-hat wearing, Kaballah-preaching couple. My favorites? Boo Radley Kutcher-Moore, Profiterole Rucksack Moore-Kutcher and Shep.
Model fall down go boom. Hehe.
Finally, in a trifecta of nudity news, I offer you a review of New York's only "clothing optional" restaurant, a follow-up to last week's naked model photo from the Daily News, and an update on the continuing fight over whether or not to open a nudist camp for teenagers... wait, don't they already have that? Isn't it called Neverland?