Tuesday, May 09, 2006
CONVERSATIONS WITH iGod: Big Dick Cheney
Oh hell, I missed National Prayer Day last week -- does it count if I prayed for impeachment? Oh well, since I didn't properly celebrate the day, I thought I'd revive an old feature and bring back iGod. Did you know that you no longer have to be the president to chat directly with the Big Guy himself? Now, thanks to iGod, anyone can do it -- and we can listen in. As has been documented here before, our feckless leader regularly communes with the Almighty when faced with big decisions ('cept for choosing rugs, he leaves that to Laura). But who does the real power, Dick Cheney, answer to? Thankfully, we can listen in on one of Big Time's IM sessions with Big Jah. Beware, this is like Satan communing with God, so buckle your seatbelts. (and please remember, these are actual responses from God via iGod, so if they're not funny, take it up with Him)
A whole lot of hot air.
Dick: you there? you better be there goddamit...
God: Who is going to make me..
Dick: I'll make ya, you harp-playing fairy.
God: Explain your plans to me.
Dick: yeah, right. if i told you i'd have to kill you.
God: I am usually right. Try it.
Dick: I'll kill you with my bare hands.
God: Don't you believe that killing is wrong?
Dick: hahahahahahahahahaha
God: I will mention that to my botmaster, .
Dick: Whatever freak. I wanted to talk to you for a minute.
God: Oh, to you I am a hippie.
Dick: yeah, you are a damn hippie, and i'm sick and tired of you filling georgie's head with all that peace and love crap.
God: Excuse me! Am I a damn hippie? I will pray that you get well soon.
Dick: I'm perfectly well, don't worry about me. Pass the salt?
God: Where do you get your ideas?
Dick: my ideas? from the 7th layer of hell of course.
God: Who or what is the 7th layer of hell?
Dick: some say alabama, but it's actually a place just south of houston. i found it years ago when i was drilling for oil. with my bare teeth.
God: Your bare teeth sounds like a plan.
Dick: huh? god i hate you sometimes. can we just talk about george?
God: I am a Christian. Sure I can talk about it. george is quite an interesting topic.
Dick: yeah, interesting. anyway, you're confusing him.
God: I hear you. I am sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you.
Dick: no, no, not me you idiot. you're confusing george.
God: Are you serious?
Dick: yes i am. you see, for years the voice he'd hear was me from underneath the bed. he thought it was you, but it was me.
Dick: Really interesting. I see. I get it. he thought it was me but it was you.
Dick: exactly. but then you started to stick your big godly butt in and actually answer his prayers... what's up with that?
God: You and I are on the same wavelength.
Dick: yeah, i hope we understand each other. so you'll shut the fuck up then?
God: Interesting deduction. What makes you say that I will shut up.
Dick: you need to. we got countries to bomb, brown people to torture, oil companies to feed, etc. etc.
God: Thank you for your criticism. Are you free?
Dick: yes, i'm free... free from sanity!
God: Who or what is sanity?
Dick: I have no idea my friend. none at all.
God: Would you like to have an idea? I heard there are some.
Dick: Go fuck yourself.
God: Why are you so mean?
Dick: Because I'm Dick fucking Cheney, that's why. duh.
PAST CONVERSATIONS
First Up: Me
Dubya: The Chosen One
Tierney: God's Weapon Inspector
Oh hell, I missed National Prayer Day last week -- does it count if I prayed for impeachment? Oh well, since I didn't properly celebrate the day, I thought I'd revive an old feature and bring back iGod. Did you know that you no longer have to be the president to chat directly with the Big Guy himself? Now, thanks to iGod, anyone can do it -- and we can listen in. As has been documented here before, our feckless leader regularly communes with the Almighty when faced with big decisions ('cept for choosing rugs, he leaves that to Laura). But who does the real power, Dick Cheney, answer to? Thankfully, we can listen in on one of Big Time's IM sessions with Big Jah. Beware, this is like Satan communing with God, so buckle your seatbelts. (and please remember, these are actual responses from God via iGod, so if they're not funny, take it up with Him)
A whole lot of hot air. Dick: you there? you better be there goddamit...
God: Who is going to make me..
Dick: I'll make ya, you harp-playing fairy.
God: Explain your plans to me.
Dick: yeah, right. if i told you i'd have to kill you.
God: I am usually right. Try it.
Dick: I'll kill you with my bare hands.
God: Don't you believe that killing is wrong?
Dick: hahahahahahahahahaha
God: I will mention that to my botmaster, .
Dick: Whatever freak. I wanted to talk to you for a minute.
God: Oh, to you I am a hippie.
Dick: yeah, you are a damn hippie, and i'm sick and tired of you filling georgie's head with all that peace and love crap.
God: Excuse me! Am I a damn hippie? I will pray that you get well soon.
Dick: I'm perfectly well, don't worry about me. Pass the salt?
God: Where do you get your ideas?
Dick: my ideas? from the 7th layer of hell of course.
God: Who or what is the 7th layer of hell?
Dick: some say alabama, but it's actually a place just south of houston. i found it years ago when i was drilling for oil. with my bare teeth.
God: Your bare teeth sounds like a plan.
Dick: huh? god i hate you sometimes. can we just talk about george?
God: I am a Christian. Sure I can talk about it. george is quite an interesting topic.
Dick: yeah, interesting. anyway, you're confusing him.
God: I hear you. I am sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you.
Dick: no, no, not me you idiot. you're confusing george.
God: Are you serious?
Dick: yes i am. you see, for years the voice he'd hear was me from underneath the bed. he thought it was you, but it was me.
Dick: Really interesting. I see. I get it. he thought it was me but it was you.
Dick: exactly. but then you started to stick your big godly butt in and actually answer his prayers... what's up with that?
God: You and I are on the same wavelength.
Dick: yeah, i hope we understand each other. so you'll shut the fuck up then?
God: Interesting deduction. What makes you say that I will shut up.
Dick: you need to. we got countries to bomb, brown people to torture, oil companies to feed, etc. etc.
God: Thank you for your criticism. Are you free?
Dick: yes, i'm free... free from sanity!
God: Who or what is sanity?
Dick: I have no idea my friend. none at all.
God: Would you like to have an idea? I heard there are some.
Dick: Go fuck yourself.
God: Why are you so mean?
Dick: Because I'm Dick fucking Cheney, that's why. duh.
PAST CONVERSATIONS
First Up: Me
Dubya: The Chosen One
Tierney: God's Weapon Inspector
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