DAYS

Monday, June 27, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One Where I Took A Week Off
Boy, I sorta thought things would be different if I took a week away from the blog, but apparently not. Iraq is still fucked up, Dick Cheney still won't admit it, Karl Rove is still a dick, President Bush is still a liar, and Tom Cruise is still insane. Ahhh well, let's see what we've missed anyway, shall we?

Looks like Tom Cruise forgot to take his meds before going on the Today Show last Friday. Seriously, can anyone shut this guy up? If you're going to preach so arrogantly, you probably shouldn't let people know you practice a 'religion' that believes "humans are plagued by the souls of dead aliens who invaded the planet 75 million years ago." Seriously.
By the way, has anyone devised a way to free Katie Holmes from this freak? Oh, Mr. Sun has? Thank you Mr. Sun. Thank you.
It's official, Williamsburg is undeniably dead, Old Navy is selling their wares. Look out Red Hook, you're next.
The Runaway Bride gets half-a-million and all we get is this crappy action figure? That sucks.
But this should cheer us all up: It's the Daily Dancer! Seriously, he does this every day. And all I can say is 'Wow'.
The only thing we can ascertain from this is that John Ashcroft has officially left DC... and that Alberto Gonzales loves him some boobies.
And since Ashcroft isn't looking, let's check out some unintentional sexual moments from classic video games. And hell, while we're at it, how about some Lego porn?
Help Wanted, High-Level Anti-Terrorism Position, no experience necessary. Seriously, WTF?? TDS has the video, and it's hilariously frightening.
First they came for Spongebob, and we said nothing. Then they came for Buster the lesbian-loving bunny, and we still said nothing. But last week they came for Big Bird, and godammit, we spoke up. Kudos. Keep fighting. And don't fuck with Elmo.
In honor of Pride Week, and Tom Cruise, I present to you scientific research that proves sexual preference is genetic. In fruit flies, but still. Not that it will help, the ruling Right thinks science is for fags anyway. Stupid bastards.
Men in Coats. I have no idea, just watch it. We need the laughs.
Thanks to GQ Magazine and a few loose-lipped soldiers, we also found out last week that Saddam Hussein doesn't like Froot Loops. This guy really is an evil bastard isn't he? I had been convinced this war didn't need to happen, but nowwwww... well, clearly he had to be taken out. You know why they hate us? They hate us for our sugary loops of fruit-flavored oats, that's why they hate us.
Speaking of Iraq, kind of an unpopular topic right now. Public opinion on the war dipped so low last week even Republicans began to change their tune. Ardent supporters such as Walter "Freedom Fry" Jones demanded a plan to bring the troops home, and longtime Bush loyalist Chuck Hagel said, "The White House is completely disconnected from reality. It's like they're just making it up as they go along." Of course, as public opinion shifts, so does a politician's talking points. Hell, if you told Senator Hagel the majority of Americans support child molesters, he'd be out on the Capitol steps arm-in-arm with Michael Jackson in a matter of seconds.
Of course, when public opinion fell to an alarming low, the Republicans did everything they could to help the beleaguered Bush team. First, it was big brother Jeb to the rescue, raising Terri Schiavo from the dead to distract us all. Then, House Republicans brought the oh-so-crucial flag burning amendment back to the floor to distract us, as well as remind us of what great patriots they all are. But NY Dem Jerrold Nadler knows what's up. And then, as the coup de grace, old Turdblossom himself, Karl Rove, dusted off an oldie but a goodie to get the dogs barking again. Despite these efforts, there are some things we just won't forget. And those responsible will pay. Eventually.
You support the war, but there's no way in fucking hell you're going to go over there yourself, so what do you do? Buy a hat and be just like our troops! Except, um, without all the severed limbs and stuff. Oh, and while you're in a supportive mood, don't forget to grab your "I Heart Gitmo" thong.
It was a tough week for Little Rummy FuFu too. On Thursday, the embattled Defense Secretary and his Pentagon colleagues got an earful after riding their high horses up to Capital Hill to deny that Iraq had become a quagmire, to shoot down talk of a pullout and to deflect criticism for Dick Cheney's fantasyland comments about the insurgency being in its "last throes." Then, on Sunday, Rumsfeld went on the talk shows to speak about how the insurgency could last for more than a decade and that the US would not be the ones to win that fight. Why does Donald Rumsfeld hate America? And hey, wasn't he the one that said this thing would last "five months, tops"? Maybe Sen. Kennedy is right, it is time for him to resign.
By the way Dick, "is there any word on how long a 'last throe' lasts?"
Oh, and About That Memo, have you seen it?