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Friday, March 18, 2005

The typically ho-hum life of bureaucrats and policy wonks up on Capitol Hill was injected with some excitement to yesterday when some of baseball's biggest stars came to visit Congress. Taking a break from such snooze-worthy topics as War and Homeland Security, the senators on the Hill got to spend the day listening to these diamond heroes wax nostalgic about what substances they may or may not have pumped into their asses over the past decade. And while the senators were surely in awe of the larger-than-life sluggers testifying before them, I'm guessing Sammy Sosa was just as star-struck by Representative Henry Waxman (D-Ca) as Waxman was of him. I mean, come on, it's Henry friggin' Waxman!!

And now, a quick summary of comments from each of the day's participants:

Mark McGwire
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"I believe I can be an extremely effective spokesperson on this issue save for the fact that I've been advised not to speak about anything, especially the past. Uh, kids are important, steroids are bad. I will now begin crying."

Curt Schilling
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"Hey, me and the prez are buddies, what the hell am I doing here?? Yo, Jose, suck my bloody sock pal!"

Jose Canseco
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"These guys are just jealous 'cuz of how big my muscles are. Look at me, I'm like a tanned god! I feel SO! TOTALLY!! RIPPED!!! STEROIDS RULE!!!! Whoa, headrush..."

Frank Thomas, on video
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"What, you guys didn't know you could just send in a tape? Suckers!"

Sammy Sosa
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"Beisbol been bery, bery good to me."

Rafael Palmeiro
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"What the hell am I doing here with these assholes?"

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig
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"I'm so totally gonna lose my job over this."

Jim Bunning, R-Ken.
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"You want an effective drug policy? Think about this: Mr. Canseco's penis is only this big now."

The Daily Show: The Unnatural
The Hill:
Canseco gets pumped, tanned in preparation for testimony
SI: The Best and Worst That Could Happen
Baseball Bans Steroids! Stadium vendors to serve only organic Hot Dogs.
Top 10 Sports Doping Scandals (What''s up Canada, no mention of Ross Rebagliati??)

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