DAYS

Sunday, March 06, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One Where MJ Plays Chimp Daddy
So yeah, this is kind of a new feature on Days. If you've been here before, you've no doubt seen similar postings in which I get really lazy and throw a bunch of random crap into a single post. Well, to catch some of the flotsam that slips through the cracks every week, I'm going to start doing this more frequently. The reason? Because these quick-hitting, easy-to-digest bits seem to be more popular than the long-ass, non-funny rants I usually produce. Oh, and because I'm totally lazy.

Among this week's Remains: Bubbles gets blown, Fiddy takes cover, and the NFL gets totally gay. Enjoy. (Warning: The term "Sperm Herder" appears at least once in this entry)

The suits over at CourtTV and the E! networks were as giddy as a deranged pop star at a petting zoo as the Michael Jackson trial finally got under way this week. I really wanted to avoid covering this squirm-worthy spectacle, but when you bring monkey sex and Debarge into the equation, I just can't resist.
Shots rang out all over New York City last week, which can mean only one thing: 50-Cent released a new album! Damn, are these people too young to remember Tupac and Biggie? Or are they just encouraged by 'Pac's post-mortem sales numbers?
Because he became irrelevant more than a year ago, the only folks throwing shots at fellow hip-hopper Nelly are the ministers of Jonesboro, Ark., who this week launched a campaign to stop him from performing at Arkansas St. University next Saturday. According to Rev. Adrian Rodgers, "Jonesboro is a wonderful city because of who DOESN'T come here." (excuse me, "herre") Actually, I believe it says that right on the Chamber of Commerce brochure: 'Jonesboro: Wonderful Because Nelly Isn't Here.'
What's the title of conservative columnist Ann Coulter's next book? "Roosevelt: Wheelchair-Riding, America-Hating Terrorist"... at least if contest winner Ryan Sniatecki had anything to do with it. Oh, and did you know there's an Ann Coulter action figure? No joke.
Not to be outdone, FOX News flak Sean Hannity has launched an online dating service for like-minded conservatives called Hannidate. The Conservatives have gone wild! God help us. (The Think Progress blog is tracking their favs here)
We've had a lot of snow here in Gotham recently and this week was no different, but after seeing these photos I'm a bit hesitant to complain about the weather.
Hunter S. Thompson had many things to say about George W. Bush, but his recollection of meeting the future prez at a '74 Super Bowl party may be most fitting: "He was insignificant in every way and consequently I didn't pay much attention to him. But when he passed out in my bathtub, then I noticed him."
Speaking of hot water and stupidity, the NFL got itself into some this week when their super secret list of 'naughty words' was uncovered. Outsports.com discovered this week that the NFL's online store doesn't allow patrons to use certain words on its $80 customized jerseys. While it is understandable why words like 'Asswhore', 'Dick Fart' and 'Rapist' aren't permissible, what upset some folks is the fact that the word 'Gay' is considered naughty, even if you're New England Patriots defensive back Randall Gay, San Diego University hoopster Brandon Gay and especially actress Marcia Gay-Harden. While the NFL frowns on 'Gay', the league found 'Bin Laden' to be perfectly acceptable, although I'm not sure who'd want that on their jersey – everyone knows Osama is a shitty quarterback. The entire list of 1,159 verboten words is worth a chuckle. Seriously, how often do you get to read the phrases 'Crotch Monkey', 'Sperm Herder', 'Love Goo' and 'Lucky Camel Toe' all in one place??
And speaking of the gays, the rights of the homosexual community were defended this week in, of all places, Topeka, Kansas. Barely. Rev. Fred Phelps Sr., he of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church ('Thank God for the Tsunami'), failed by only 2,000 votes in his campaign to repeal an ordinance prohibiting discrimination against gays in municipal hiring. Meanwhile, his daughter was defeated in her bid to unseat an openly gay city council member. There's hope for Kansas yet.
Staying on the tolerance tip, the Young Conservatives of Texas recently hosted "Capture an Illegal Immigrant Day." Wheeeeeeeeeee! Stay tuned for next month's Minority Lynching Contest!
More tolerance from Rep. Jim Gibbons (R-Nev), who laments the fact he didn't accept those damn liberals offer to act as human shields before the Iraq War: "I say it's just too damn bad we didn't buy them a ticket ... I say we tell those liberal, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals to go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else." Good to see the partisan tone has been taken down a notch in the Capital.
Hey look, it's a bunch of dudes who look like Kenny Rogers!
More weirdness: Miniature World! Crazy, small-minded Canadians. (and yes, you should definitely click on the little flashing man on the desk...)
Thank god! Someone finally launched a one-stop shop for the listing of all the teachers who have ever been accused of sleeping with their students. My only question: what took you so damn long??
I breathed a heavy sigh of relief when I learned there would be 'No Jail for Naked Nacho Cheese Run'. See, the terrorists haven't won yet!
And finally, one last Paris-related leftover that came in after last week's 'Remains' went to print... this one is just too good not to share.