DAYS

REMAINS of the DAYS: The one where I've gone missing.
Several of you (ok, two) have inquired as to where I've been these past few weeks. Did the bogeymen from the NSA kidnap me in the dead of the night and ship me off to Cuba? Or have I maybe spent the past two weeks face down in a puddle of my own blue & green vomit after celebrating the Seahawks Super Bowl clincher a little too hard? The answer is neither of those, although I do recall some colorful expectorant a few Sundays ago... but I'd rather not talk about that. No, the answer is I've been busy helping to prepare the president's State of the Union address. Did you catch that 'addicted to oil' line? That was mine. I thought it would be kinda funny for a guy so hip-deep in the bubbling crude to utter such a thing. Because hypocrisy? Hilarious! Ok, ok, the truth is I've been through a big move, which means I've been living in boxes and have had limited access to the Internets these past few weeks. I have however managed to cobble together a few bits of flotsam which make up this very haphazard installment of Remains. I'll be back to regular posting in about a week, once my Super Bowl hangover wears off. Until then, this will have to do.

• The State of the Union? Misled apparently. ThinkProgress has tons more.
• Hey, more presidential hypocrisy! Just after proclaiming the U.S. was essentially drunk on and addicted to oil, Bush set out on a nationwide, gas-guzzling tour to spread the message. What an idiot.
• But hey, he is King of Greater Georgelandia, so he can do whatever he wants I suppose.
• Before watching the president's speech, I made the unfortunate mistake of reading this story, which reports that scientists have determined the best way to overcome a fear of public speaking is to have "penetrative sex" just before going on stage. The images in my head as the president spoke? Not pleasant, not pleasant at all.
• Speaking of unpleasant images, some of those top-secret photos of Bush and super-evil uberlobbyist Jack Abramoff have surfaced on the internets. Check 'em out, if you dare.
• Remember those 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books when you were a kid? Well, the Defective Yeti has come up with one in which 'You Are the President'. Quick, bomb someone!
• Ok, enough making fun of the president, lets make fun of his Lord and Savior instead. Check out 'Jesus Christ, the Musical' by Javier Prato. It's fabulous. (thx Ash)
• Olberman skewers O'Reilly, and when is that not enjoyable? (thanks to OGM)
• The Daily News last week published a story titled "Stand Up to That Jerk at Work". In it, the News advises women on how to deal with sexual harrasment in the workplace. Apparently, according to the photo accompanying this story, the best way to do so is to climb up onto the Jerk's desk and stand seductively over him in a micro-miniskirt and white stockings. Yeah, that'll show him.
• Oh, and let's not forget that little thing called the Super Bowl happening this weekend. First off, if you're into the game (or even if you're not) you should be reading Deadspin's coverage. It's like Wonkette, but for sports. And hey, they're the ones responsible for unleashing these photos of Big Ben's party beard. Let's just hope he does this on Saturday night before the game.
• Cracked.com (yes, that Cracked) is also offering its own unique brand of Super Bowl coverage, and for some reason they've been able to unearth stories no other media has. For example, this headline: "God politely asks League MVP Shaun Alexander to please stop pointing at Him." And this one, "Seahawk logo eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast." See, you haven't heard that anywhere else, have you? You go Cracked.
• As if I needed another reason to hate Condoleeza Rice. She's apparently rooting for the Steelers. Hate. That. Bitch.
• Check out the official Super Bowl Drinking Game from Noob Sports. Wait, why do we need a game to prompt us to drink? This is the Super Bowl, right?? Isn't that a prompt enough?
• Many of you will be watching the game for reasons other than football. Some may be hoping to see some boobage a la Janet Jackson, but most will be interested in the ads. Here's a recent classic: Terry Tate, Office Linebacker. And here are a whole lot more from past. But wait, no Bud Bowl?
• Oh, just get over it Texas A&M. Apparently, the definition of 'Aggie' is whiney little bitch.
• Finally, despite what most of the rest of the country (and that loudmouth Joey Porter) say, the Seahawks are going to win, 27-24. Come on Seattle, just one more.