DAYS

TOTALLY CANUCKABLE
If George Bush's re-election didn't push you over the border, this oughta do it.
Miss Canada Natalie Glebova performs on the swimsuit at the final of the Miss Universe 2005 beauty pageant at Impact Arena in Bangkok, Thailand Tuesday, May 31, 2005. Glebova won crown and became the 54th Miss Universe in the competition.

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One With Tom Cruise's Insanity
Every once in a while the sheer volume of celebrity bullshit, political hypocrisy and general absurdity becomes too much for one man to handle. In times such as these instead of becoming determined I simply get lazy, assembling the aforementioned flotsam into a single post dubbed Remains of the Days, which you are now reading. Not only is this an easy way for me to burp up another post, this crap should also keep y'all sated while I unglue myself from the blog for a few days to kick my clogs off and enjoy the holiday weekend. In this installment we delve deep into Tom Cruise's scientolirific brain, meet 'electrical contractor' Bobby Vita, and learn that I just might be a teenage girl. Enjoy.

• What's worse, rumors that you're a closeted homo or rumors that you've gone completely batshit? Neither actually, the truth that you're an evangelistic Scientologist is the worst. Seriously, what the hell has happened to Tom Cruise? Liquid Generation gives the Cruise/Holmes publicity-fueling romance the proper treatment here.
• Speaking of Tom Cruise, does your corporate logo resemble a penis? If so, you may be due for an award. Respect the cock! (audio)
• It's been a tough week for the perverts of America. No more Viagra, no more penile implants and no more trips to Six Flags – what's a convicted sex offender to do??
• Bobby Vita, Electrical Contractor: "You want to know what I do in my spare time, honey? I express my feelings with all sorts of women." It is both heartening and frightening that guys like this still exist.
• We have a follow-up to that Striped Shirt story from a few Remains ago: Look at my turned up collar! Fucking Look at it!!!
• Perhaps the Dutch have too much freedom...
• Hey mainstream media, I heard something about a memo that was leaked about a month ago, I think it's called the Downing Street Memo or something. Anyway, supposedly this memo confirms suspicions that the Bush administration manipulated intelligence in order to persuade the country to support its Iraqi misadventure. Do you think maybe we could get a little coverage of this? What's that? Chris Tucker is taking the stand in the Michael Jackson trial?? Oh, never mind then.
• Where in the world would anyone get the idea that America demonstrates an insensitivity and intolerance toward non-Christian faiths?
• Couldn't be this type of attitude, could it? A Baptist church in North Carolina is apparently perfectly fine with the concept of engaging in global Holy War. You got a problem with that?
• Speaking of religion, did y'all hear Jesus Christ is moving to West Virginia to enjoy a slower lifestyle?
• Damn scientists, with their big fancy words and their Jesus-hating theories about bones and stuff.
• Look who's coming to dinner. While President Bush can't seem to get a commitment from terror suspect Syed Maswood, he can take solace in the fact that porn star Mary Carey has gladly accepted his invitation. You know what they say, keep your enemies close and your double-D's even closer.
• A dingo ate my baby!! And I've got the t-shirt to prove it!
• Bloggers destroy Chinese Communism. Hooray for bloggers!
• "The typical blogger continues to be a teenage girl who uses the medium primarily to communicate with five to 10 friends." So wait, does that mean that a bunch of teenage girls destroyed Chinese Communism?? Hooray for teenage girls! (oh great, there goes my season's pass to Six Flags) Well, at least this explains my sudden interest in Huckapoo and my increasing fascination with Justin Timberlake's butt.
• Ladies, are you looking for an innocent escape? Let the Brawny Man take you away.
• And now, Remains presents The World of Competitive Eating by Larry Getlen. Isn't that what they call Louisiana?
• Oh, and someone apparently tried to nuke Congress or something this week. And John McCain saved the day? Is that what happened? Ok, I can't feign ignorance here. I admit, I'm a politigeek and I actually did follow and sort of understand the Great American Filibuster Battle of 2005 while the rest of America said FiliWhat? Can't blame them, aside from Santorum going over the edge and dropping the H-bomb, the fight didn't offer much in the way of excitement. But just so you know, a compromise was reached and the dreaded "nuclear option" was averted. But what I still don't understand is why the Republicans would choose to pursue an option their boss can't even pronounce? Perhaps that's why they lost? Of course, the Democrats maybe didn't read the fine print... yes, we're going to have to kill Senator Byrd now.
• To end on a more serious note, please try and remember this weekend that Memorial Day is not about sales on washer-dryers and BBQs, it's about this. No matter what your position on the war is, remember that the soldiers who've given their lives aren't the ones who made the policy, they're simply doing their job and we should honor that. Thousands of men and women continue to put their lives on the line every day and we should take pause from our cookouts and baseball games to remember and thank them, no matter what we think of the assholes that put them there.
  

EVERYBODY DO THE PROPAGANDA!
Well, at least he admits it...

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." — George W. Bush, Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 (audio)

*sigh*

MORE
Full Collection of Bushims
DubyaSpeak
Take the Bushism Quiz!
"... and sing along in the age of paranoia!" - Green Day

STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE
So a Jew, a Muslim and a First Lady walk into a Mosque...

'Do I come to your job and heckle you??'

Hey George, sending your wife to the Middle East as a political puppet to appear on the Egyptian Sesame Street does not constitute a serious step toward repairing our country's damaged reputation overseas.

No, no, he tried to milk the horse... get it??

No disrespect to Laura, but in the wake of ongoing reports (no, not from frickin' Newsweek, from our own goddam military) of systematic prisoner mistreatment and disrespect for Islam, this is an extremely sorry solution. As I said over the weekend, this needs to be fixed and fixed now, and the only way to even begin to repair the damage is to hold the people responsible accountable. I can think of a few right away: this guy, this guy and, oh why not, this guy.

MORE
BBC: Laura Bush heckled in Jerusalem
WaPO: Prez Sends His Very Best
HRW: An Open Letter to Donald Rumsfeld
Karena: W's Plot to Get His Ladies Out of the House
Kurtzman: Laura Bush, Desperate Housewife
Reuters: Shecky Sharon gets similar treatement on this side of the Atlantic

OVERREACH AROUND
There has been much talk recently about how the far right may be letting the perceived role it played in Bush's re-election go to its head. This is being labeled as "overreach," and has cropped up multiple times over the last few months, from the Schiavo shenanigans to Justice Sunday to the public celebration of one Tom DeLay. This overreach may have everything to do with Bush's sinking public approval numbers, and yet the far right continues to push its extreme agenda forward. Whether it's one congressman's attempt to rename a dirty, dirty interstate, or another's efforts to get Tony Soprano to stop cussing, it continues. So as a public service, and because it's a lot of fun to point out just how insane the far right can be, I felt it may be helpful to illustrate a few examples of this overreach.

• The American Family Association, perhaps the champion of the far-right wingnuts, recently urged a boycott of Ritz crackers, Oreo cookies and other Kraft-made snack foods because of the company's sponsorship of the 2006 Gay Games in Chicago. While I can maybe understand how uncomfortable the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile may make some AFA members, this seems a bit, um, insane.

• Describing itself as "the only carrier that is taking an active stand against same sex marriages and hardcore child pornography," a telecommunications company called United American Technologies has trained its phone operators to denounce competing carriers as God-hating pedophiles and evil perverts. Nice sales pitch! A beautiful man named Eugene Mirman recorded a few hilariously scary calls he made to the company here, here and here. With Mr. Mirman asking questions such as "so MCI basically has a child pornography ring?" and "basically, God hates AT&T, MCI, and Verizon, right?" these are a must-listen. (via Wonkette)

• An Alabama (suprise!) congressman, Gerald Allen, is pushing legislation through the State senate that would ban libraries from carrying any plays or books by gay authors or about gay characters. So wait, the library would basically be filled with the entire Left Behind series and copies of the Bible? That sucks. Wait, who goes to the libary anymore?? Nevermind.

Funny how most of this overreach revolves around sex, most of it gay, while the Republican party responsible for most of it is home to secret gay mayors, non-permissioned anal-invading doctors, orgy-loving UN appointees (and Supreme Court Justices), horsejerkers and mule fuckers. Austin-based blogger Karena has more dirty details, while good 'ol reliable Jon Stewart gives us "Gay Watch."



To be fair though, Republicans and their advocates aren't the only ones guilty of overeach. No, down in Texas, even moderate (read: desperate) Democrats have dipped their toe in the overeach waters. Last month, State Rep. Al Edwards, a Democrat, and fellow lawmakers in the Texas legislature worked extremely hard against the scourge of our nation: booty-shakin' cheerleaders. Yes, Mr. Edwards and 85 other House members approved legislation that would have allowed the Texas Education Agency authority to punish schools that allow "overtly sexually suggestive" cheerleader routines. Personally, I think old Al just wanted to spend his days at "work" looking up cheerleader's skirts, but maybe he's on to something. I mean really, Paula Abdul was a cheerleader and look how she turned out. This must be stopped and we can't simply rely on creepy old guys to stop these girls from gettin' jiggy with it, now can we?

Please wake me when everyone regains their sanity. Thanks.



MORE
Karena: GOP Scandals Keep Piling Up
Digby: Blasphemous Perverts
IMDB: But I'm A Cheerleader!
Focus on the Family's advice about how to talk to your kids about sex:
"Curl up on the sofa, pop a bowl of popcorn, fix their favorite beverage and go for it."

I HAVE A QUESTION
Hey Scottie, you don't suppose incidents like this have contributed to our damaged image abroad do you?

Dilawar had been chained to his cell ceiling by his wrists for four days and his legs pummelled by guards when he was brought to be re-interrogated at 0200 hours about an attack on a US air base, it says. After the interrogation he was returned to be chained up and died before a doctor came to see him.

The report says most interrogators believed him to be an innocent taxi driver who simply drove past at the time of the air-base attack.

Naww, it's all Newsweek's fault.

Enough is enough. Stop blaming the press, stop blaming 'bad apple' soldiers, and stop denying this is a widespread problem. Fix it now. Hold the people responsible* accountable. Now.

MORE
BBC: US Report Reveals Afghan Abuses
Slate: Abuse Week
Nation: Pentagon Caught in a Fib
CBS: Torture, Cover-up at Gitmo?
HRW: An Open Letter to Donald Rumsfeld



*No, Lyndie f'in England does not count!

STATE? CHURCH? STURCH?
The lines between church and state are becoming blurrier and blurrier by the day. Organizations such as BushFish.org openly campaign for God in goverment, claiming that George W. Bush is "doing the Lord's work." Religious leaders are booting their congregants and fellow clergyman from their churches for not supporting the president. And legislation is already in the works to allow church leaders to endorse candidates and campaigns within their sacred buildings. The state of Kansas took a step backward (I honestly didn't think that was possible) earlier this month when it dusted off John Scopes, sans monkeys, and put him back on trial. Yes, the Kansas state legislature held a weeklong debate about whether or not the theory of evolution should be taught in public schools. Oh, so that's what's the matter with Kansas.

It's scary to think that the people attempting to run the country are the same ones who need to be reminded not to ""talk about the devil, demons, voices speaking to you, God giving you supernatural revelations, etc." when the media comes calling. Mercy.

While outside groups and religious organizations are responsible for most of this craziness, let's not forget that it all stems from the top. For instance, while the Bush budget this year dramatically increases the amount of money funneled toward faith-based endeavors, it severely slashes funds for community assistance programs designed to fight poverty. So in a sense, Bush's strategy to fight poverty is to let God take care of it.

Mmmmmm, logic. Anyone remember what that tastes like?

MORE
Reminder: Not All People of Faith Are Crazy (God bless you Calvin College)
SFChron: Debating Politics in the Pulpit
AP: Kansas Debate Challenges Science Itself
Americans United for Separation
The Constitution (Hey, here's a thought GOP: Read this.)

"Once you attempt legislation upon religious grounds, you open the way for every kind of intolerance and religious persecution." - Yeats

I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS...

Could you cook mine a little on the dark side please?

MORE FROM THE OBLIGATORY STAR WARS POST
The Greatest Collection of Star Wars Geeks ever assembled
BB: NapkinBlogging the Premiere
HSW: How Lightsabers Work
VV: May The Force Be Over and The Real Star Wars
MoveOn: Revenge of the Frist (seriously, do we have to politicize everything?)
NYT: Yes. Yes we do.

ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO CENSOR
Freedom isn't on the march, particularly within the halls of our beleagured media outlets. I, like just about everyone else, have been a vocal critic of the news media. Just this weekend I took the mainstream media to task for seeming to value sensationlistic stories about runaway brides and pedophilic pop stars more than such grave concerns as war and torture. But in the wake of this Newsweek hullabaloo, I feel it necessary to come to the media's defense and call absolute bullshit on the Bush administration and the right wing. Again.

The minute Newsweek issued its apology over the Koran desecration story, the Conservative cabal swarmed all over it. Michelle "I heart internment camps" Malkin led the charge (Ann Coulter must've been busy getting her balls licked by TIME) with a piece titled "Newsweek Lied! People Died!" Actually Michelle, Newsweek didn't lie, they made an unfortunate mistake. But hey, you know which lie did lead to a bunch of deaths? This one. In fact, it led to about 1,611 U.S. and countless Iraqi deaths, so stick that in your narrow-minded, reactionary war pipe and smoke it Michelle.

From there, an avalanche of similar missives from across the neocon landscape filled the internets, topped off by the White House's own shame-on-you proclamation, issued yesterday by press secretary Scott McLellan: "The report has had serious consequences. People have lost their lives. The image of the United States abroad has been damaged." Now hold on a minute McShill. Granted, Newsweek's bumblefuck surely didn't help matters much, but I think our image abroad was pretty severely damaged already, you know because of the bombs and torture and stuff. A brilliant re-write of McLellan's statement can be found here.

The administration isn't upset about errant reporting, its upset that it was reported at all. It isn't as though allegations of disrespect for Islam haven't surfaced before, today's Daily News mentions but a few of them in its accounting of the story. But the Bushies idea of image control is not to abolish the questionable practices, but rather to hope those practices never see the light of day. And if it does, whoo boy, look out. In fact, don't be surprised if an 'errant' Patriot missile lands on the Daily News building sometime in the near future.

This case is just another attempt to bully the media into submission so they'll be hesitant to print stories like this (i.e. uncomfortably truthful ones) in the future. Because when they've got false wars to promote, the last thing they need is a pesky press to call them on their bullshit. By undercutting the media and making it out to be the enemy, they hope the public will stop paying attention, allowing them to get away with anything.

Sad thing is, it appears to be working. An alarming poll recently revealed that 22% of Americans feel the government should be allowed to censor the media. Go ahead, read that again if you need to, because its shocking. Nearly a quarter of the country essentially believe in the abolishment of a free press. Unbelievable. You better watch what you say, redux.



MORE
Silber: The Censorship Campaign Gets a Boost
Bloggerman: The Resignation of Scott McLellan
AgitProp: Flushing Democracy
LAT: Selective Outrage
Slate: Flushing Newsweek
CJR: The Story of the Story Isn't the Story At All
Kos: A Rewrite

ACTUALLY, I'VE ALWAYS KIND OF HATED HIM...
... and apparently, I'm not alone. Am I alone in thinking that this crapass show jumped the shark when it aired its first episdoe?

Good riddance Raymond, I won't miss you in the least.

"Mrs. Hughes is not expected back in Washington until the fall, after getting her son settled in college."

WAR, WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
Apparently, not primetime television news. As violence rages in Iraq and an all-out civil war seems increasingly likely, the media (corporate, mainstream, liberal, conservative, whatever) is once again failing to care. Last week, ABC News' daily rundown, The Note, made the observation that "brides gotta run, planes gotta stray, and cable news networks gotta find a way to fill a lot of programming hours as cheaply as possible" and while "the death and carnage in Iraq is truly staggering, we are sort of resigned to the notion that it simply isn't going to break through to American news organizations" and "will get almost no coverage."

So while war may make for great video games, and provide some cool fodder for Hollywood blockbusters, the consensus is that it makes for shitty primetime news coverage. ('burning bodies? what burning bodies? we don't see you... lalalalalalalala!') Hey, media types, think maybe you could squeeze a few of these stories in between the Everybody Loves Raymond tributes and the Michael Jackson updates? Maybe its just me, but it seems kinda important.

More nasty surprises await U.S. troops in Iraq
The lull in violence that followed the January elections was taken to mean the rebels were in disarray. If so, they've regrouped, and Iraq has reverted to chaos. Nearly twice as many Iraqi security personnel died in attacks in March as in January. April was almost as bad. May looks worse still.The last couple of weeks have been among the bloodiest since the U.S. invasion, with more than 420 people killed. The insurgents have been mounting an average of 70
attacks a day, compared to 30 or 40 in March.

Demise of a Hard-Fighting Squad
Among the four Marines killed and 10 wounded when an explosive device erupted under their Amtrac on Wednesday were the last battle-ready members of a squad that four days earlier had battled foreign fighters holed up in a house in the town of Ubaydi. In that fight, two squad members were killed and five were wounded. In 96 hours of fighting and ambushes in far western Iraq, the squad had ceased to be.

As Insurgents Gain, Experts See Civil War
An unchastened insurgency sowed devastation across Iraq this week as experts here said the country is either on the verge of civil war or already in the middle of it. With security experts reporting that no major road in the country was safe to travel, some Iraq specialists speculated that the Sunni insurgency was effectively encircling the capital and trying to cut it off from the north, south and west, where there are entrenched Sunni communities.

MORE
Toronto Star: Americans Kept in the Dark
LAT: Iraq Ongoing Coverage
Iraq: Uncensored
Iraq: Coalition Casualties
Network4Good: Iraq Humanitarian Relief

AM GOLD STRIKES AGAIN?
At the request of US authorities, an Air France flight from Paris to Boston was diverted to Bangor, Maine today due to a "suspicious passenger." I wonder, which singer/songwriter/terrorist did they get this time? Jim Croce? Dan Fogelberg? Captain & Tennille?



Terrorists! The whole lot of 'em!

MORE
Reuters: Air France flight diverted in U.S.
Time-Life: Singers & Songwriters Collection and AM Gold
Self-Reference: PEACE PLANE SOUNDING LOUDER

THIN LINDSAY: THE BOOBS AREN'T BACK IN TOWN
If anyone has seen Lindsay Lohan's boobs, or for that matter the rest of her body, please kindly return them. Thank you.

THEN. NOW.
Seriously, I know it's been a rough year for Lindsay, but WTF happened??

No shit. Now eat something! Please.

MORE
Egotastic: Wasting Away
Defamer: Skinny Bones
Thin Lizzy: The Boys Are Back in Town

WE HAVE A NANNY IN THE NO-FLY ZONE. RUN!
Hmmmm, shortly after Fran Drescher visits Capitol Hill, bureaucrats are seen fleeing in every direction. Coincidence? I think not. That voice would make you run too.



MORE
Ms. Drescher Goes to Washington
Two in Custody After Capitol Plane Scare

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH TEXAS?
Thank God for this! I was getting really tired of having to leave my house to kill things.

Mouse Click Brings Home Thrill of the Hunt
BULVERDE, Tex. -- On a tranquil Central Texas landscape, three fallow deer wandered through live oak and cedar as a rifle barrel poked out of a small shack nearby.

With a metallic click, the Remington, clutched in a motorized steel cradle without a hunter at the trigger, swiveled to track them. The gun's scope showed the cross hairs settle right behind a buck's shoulder and hold steady, a perfect aim that would kill the animal in one clean shot -- if the hunter wanted to fire the gun. More than 1,300 miles away in Indiana, looking at his computer screen, he decided to pass. This hunter wants to bag a blackbuck antelope, and he will wait to click the computer mouse that will send the electronic signal to shoot.

It is called hunting by remote control, the brainchild of Texas entrepreneur John Lockwood, whose Internet business advertises a "real time on-line hunting and shooting experience."

Yeah, I don't see how there could ever be any problems with this...



MORE
Live-Shot
Deer Hunting Ethics
The Deer Hunter

// posted by Jed @ 5:52 PM (1) comments

STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED THAT ONE OUT, EH MR. PRESIDENT?
Further proof that you can't teach a dumb prez new tricks...

Today

June 1, 2004

AND THEY'RE OFF!

Understandably, these fellas missed the finish of Giacomo's shocking upset at Saturday's Kentucky Derby.

PONY UP
A week spent loading up on smoked meat and Labatt's with our neighbors to the North has left me feeling satisfyingly bloated but severely lacking in blog energy, therefore I'm passing the conch to one Mr. Mann, who can be found each and ever day over at Left At The Gate, a ponies and politics blog. Below, Mann gives us his annual rundown of the race for the roses, the Kentucky Derby. I was going to ask Laura Bush to guest-blog the preview for us this year but decided against it for fear she'd take the horse-jerk jokes too far and get us shut down by the FCC. So, without further ado, Days proudly presents: Blue Blood in a Red State, a Kentucky Derby Primer. Enjoy.

Blue Blood in a Red State: The 131st Kentucky Derby
This Saturday, in Louisville, KY, where a couple of weekends ago, religious conservatives, and Bill Frist Headroom, gathered to spread their messages of hate and intolerance, around 150,000 people of all races, faiths, sexual orientations, shoe sizes, and opinions on how to handicap a horse race will gather at Churchill Downs for one of America’s most celebrated events, the so-called ”most exciting two minutes in sports,” the Kentucky Derby. There will gather some of the most royally bred equines and humans in the country - as well as some who are distinctly not so. The last two Derbies, won by Funny Cide, a New York-bred owned by a group of regular guys from upstate, and the modestly-bred Smarty Jones, proved that the race is truly the stuff that the American dream is made of.

This is the one time of the year that the sport, suffering from bad publicity and increased competition from increased legal gambling, captures the attention of people and the press alike. The New York Times has had two front page stories on the race this week, which is two more than the number of stories they, or most anyone else in the mainstream media, has run on the revelations that a British official was told by Bush Administration officials in July, 2002 that “intelligence and facts are being fixed around the policy,” that policy being the unprovoked invasion of Iraq.

The bad press for racing is over some indictments and positive tests regarding illegal medication administered to horses, and there will be armed guards present in the barn area to prevent any hanky-panky. Of course, Kentuckians re-elected Jim Bunning despite the fact that he cheated in a debate against Democrat opponent Daniel Mongirdo by reading from a teleprompter, but cheating in the Derby? Egads!

So that you may better enjoy the race, which will be televised by NBC starting at 5 PM in the east despite complaints by the American Family Council, who object to the way men hug each other in the winners’ circle after their horses win, as well as the fact that two of the horses have the word “High” in their name, below is a brief preview of the main contenders.

Continue Reading...

MORE
Left at the Gate
Kentucky Derby (Official)
Daily Racing Form (Derby)
Derby History (Wikipedia)

HOME SWEET HOME
Happy to be back in the good 'ol USofA... Canada doesn't have nearly enough pop-star/rodent porn.

Thanks Xtina, now we gotta get the Mouse checked for herpes. Again.