DAYS

THE MAGIC NUMBER
So the number of the day is clearly 34, as in a 34% approval rating for the president. Way to go W, heckuva job. No need for me to rehash what's already been said, you've heard it all. What it boils down to is this: The numbers are low. Very low. And it's about damn time.



I can't think of any application of the number 34 that could make me happier than when we're talking about Bush approval percentages, but let's see what else we can do with the number 34. Did you know that...

... 34 is the atomic number for the chemical element Selenium, which is related to Sulfur, which is kind of stinky, just like our president.
... 34 is the international dial code for Spain, which was one of like 3 countries in Bush's wildly successful 'Coalition of the Willing'. That country has since elected new leaders and has gotten the hell out of Iraq. Oh, and I'm sorry Poland, I forgot you again. My bad.
... 34 is the number applied to the French département of Hérault. I really know nothing about Hérault, but it's French so it probably pisses off the right-wingers and that's good enough for me.
... 34 was the jersey number of Earl Campbell, who played football for the Houston Oilers. Coincidence? I think not.
... a miracle, which Bush now needs in order to save his presidency, once happend on 34th Street.

A young Natalie Wood apes George W. Bush.

Of course, the Preznit does have one thing going for him: He's still almost twice as popular as that old face-shooting, fear mongering Dick Cheney, who carries a paltry 18% approval rating. Ouch. A commenter on Alternet pointed me to comments made by Jon Stewart about the Veep's numbers on last night's Larry King:

"The 18 percent thing is... you really have to think of this in -- let's look at this just purely statistically. Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. So, there is one out of five dentists who say "You chew gum? Ah, why not put sugar in it?" These are not the best dentists, OK that's 20 percent. He's not even getting all the dentists who recommend sugared gum. That's low. I think Dracula has a higher Q rating right now than the vice president." (video)

One other poll is getting less attention than the presidential approval numbers, and that's the one Zogby conducted of troops on the ground in Iraq about their thoughts on the war they're currently fighting. An overwhelming 72% oppose the president's stance of "staying until we get the job done," saying we should pull out within the year. So tell me Bushbots, are these troops 'cowards' like John Murtha, who suggested the same thing only 3 months ago? And why are they so unpatriotic? Tell me, why do the troops hate the troops?

MORE
Shakes: Say It With Me...
Froomkin: How Low Can He Go?
Sadly, No: Troops are loser-defeatists, too.
Dauo: 90% of troops think war is retaliation for Saddam's role in 9/11.

[return to DAYS home]

WELCOME TO FANTASYLAND
So, I wake up this morning for what seems like the 5th day in a row to headlines like these:

Violence Subsides Across Iraq
Iraqi Leaders Sidestep Civil War
Civil War Crisis is 'Over'

Well, thank god that's over. Appears I was worried about nothing. But then, as has been the case each and every day, I see headlines like these as the day drags on:

Bombers Kill 37 in Sectarian Violence
Blast Kills 16 Near Shi'ite Mosque
Multiple Bombings in Baghdad Kill 56
15 Killed in Baghdad Explosions
Fighting Smell of Death, Iraqis Look for Relatives

Move along, nothing to see here.

Wake up people! It's chaos, anarchy and Civil War over there, no matter what the administration or the mainstream media tells us.

Oh, and if you're thinking, 'well, last week's violence only killed like 200 people', think again. It's more like 1,300, and rising every hour of every day. But have no fear, tomorrow's headlines will tell us everything is just hunky-dory over there, no need to worry. Just watch the 'reality' on your televisions, but pay no attention to the reality on the ground.

THIS DAY IN OPERATION FUBAR HISTORY
As the 3-year anniversary of Bush & Cheney's Wacky Iraqi Adventure nears, I thought it might be interesting to look back at what was happening back in February 2003. So hit the "Way Back Machine" Mr. Peabody, we've got some improbable history to explore!

'To 2003 Sherman, let's go!'

I believe the state of the nation in late February 2003 was, well, pretty much 'scared shitless'. Only a few weeks earlier, then-Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge had told us all to stock up on duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect ourselves from the terrorist bogeyman hiding underneath our beds with dirty bombs strapped to their chests. And of course, the war drums were beating loudly as administration officials swarmed the airwaves and speaking circuits in an effort to convince us that Saddam was about to kill us all, just like he did on 9/11. And it was working.

2/26/03: Bush speaks to the American Enterprise Institute

"In Iraq, a dictator is building and hiding weapons that could enable him to dominate the Middle East and intimidate the civilized world -- and we will not allow it. (Applause.) This same tyrant has close ties to terrorist organizations, and could supply them with the terrible means to strike this country -- and America will not permit it."

Well, I guess he didn't permit any of those things to happen, so, uh, Mission Accomplished?

"The United States has no intention of determining the precise form of Iraq's new government. That choice belongs to the Iraqi people."

Last week: The US ambassador to Iraq, Zalmay Khalilzad, warned yesterday that Washington might cut aid to the Iraqis if the new government included sectarian politicians, pointing out that the US had spent "billions" in building up the police and the army. "American taxpayers expect their money to be spent properly. We are not going to invest the resources of the American people into forces run by people who are sectarian."

"Today they live in scarcity and fear, under a dictator who has brought them nothing but war, and misery, and torture."

Ummmmm... wow. Do I even have to point out the irony of that statement?

2/27/2003: Paul Wolfowitz to the House Budget Committee

"The President's budget requests $379.9 billion for the Department of Defense for FY 2004, a $15.3 billion increase over last year's enacted level. The budget projects that the DoD topline will, in real terms, grow about 2.5 percent per year through 2008."

Well, he was close. The proposed 2007 defense budget? Nearly $440 billion, an increase of 7 percent over last year. And that doesn't even include the $120 billion for wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, not to mention the unknown cost of Operation Iranian Freedom. And the military contractors cheer, hooray!

"Moreover, when we send our forces into combat, we want them to have the kind of overwhelming advantage that minimizes casualties and provides for decisive victories, not the bare margin necessary for a close win."

December 2004: Soldiers Must Rely on 'Hillbilly Armor' for Protection

"The same rigorous planning and tough decision-making used in our budget preparation are being applied to our execution of the war on terrorism and to preparations for a possible war in Iraq."

By "rigorous" he apparently means "none at all." On both fronts.

"We are working, instead, to promote a culture in the Defense Department that rewards unconventional thinking and gives people the freedom and flexibility to take risks and try new things."

Wolfy: Hey, let's try something new and unconventional!
Rummy: What's that?
Wolfy: No plan, too few troops, outdated equipment and a whole lotta hope!
Rummy: Brilliant! You will be rewarded with a primo position at the World Bank.
Wolfy: Thank you! Think I'll get a medal too?
Rummy: Throw a little torture into the mix and we can talk.



Interlude: A little irony from the Wayback Machine
It was only 745 years ago this month, February 1258, that Genghis Khan's grandson, Hulagu Khan, led his Mongols across the Tigris and proceeded to sack, burn and destroy Baghdad. Wow, history really does repeat itself, doesn't it?

Finally, 2/23/03: Wolfowitz to the Iraqi-American Community

"The United States and coalition allies will provide for the safety of the Iraqi people from day one."

And Yesterday, in Baghdad:

He's six years old. Enough is enough.

Kick these guys out. Every single last one of 'em. Now.

MORE
Shakes: Today's To-Do
Dreyfuss: Bush is to Blame
Dan Froomkin: Not Lame Yet?
Swopa: Involuntary Pull Toward Civil War
Lewis Lapham: The Case for Impeachment

[return to DAYS home]

DEEP IN THE HEARTLESSNESS OF TEXAS
Kudos to the people of New Orleans for marching on at this year's Mardi Gras, despite the horrific year they've faced. And hats off to those from around the country who made a point to travel to the city to show their support...

... except for these two.

I mean, that's just obnoxious. What exactly would you ladies like the people of New Orleans to do, pay you back in mold? Seriously, fuck you. And hey, since Texas is in large part responsible for giving us George W. Bush, I think you owe the rest of us something, not the other way around.

HELP: Bring New Orleans Back

CONVERSATIONS WITH iGod: Ok, I'll go first.
Time to introduce another new feature here on DAYS, 'Conversations With iGod'. Now, as many readers may know, I'm not one for religion. I'm pretty much a secular person, or, as many a wingnut blogger may say, I'm a "hellbound, Godless Communist full of sin, wickedness and evil." While all that may be true, even I won't turn down a chance to speak directly with the big guy, which is what this nifty little application allows you to do. So, from time to time, I'll check in with Him to see how He feels about some of the events of the day, or maybe to just find out if he's seen any good movies lately. Occasionally, I may also eavesdrop on the conversations of celebrities, politicians and other glitterati, but as I'm still trying to get permission from the NSA for that, I'll just kick this thing off myself. (please bear in mind, these are actual responses from God via iGod, so if they're not funny, take it up with Him)



Me: 'sup?
God: Same old.
Me: just chillin?
God: How old are you?
Me: uh, why?
God: Oh. I am just making conversation.
Me: ok, cuz that's kind of a pervy question, ya know?
God: That makes sense to me. A pervy question ya know is a terrible thing to waste. Hmm.
Me: yeah, ok. so, i had a couple of questions for you. got a sec?
God: OK. Dude! Tell me more. What happened to it? Try asking the Milk Mystic.
Me: um, the milk mystic?
God: Ahem. Who told you that?
Me: you did
God: That's not what I meant to say.
Me: been drinking?
God: Where were you drinking?
Me: well, i had a couple of glasses of wine tonight here at home, but...
God: Well that's okay. What happened to it?
Me: i drank it. sheesh.
God: Interesting gossip. Bless you.
Me: whatever.
God: Are you saying you don't care about it?
Me: about wine? no, i care. immensely.
God: Oh yeah, we were talking about wine. What are we talking about? I like caring people. Try saying that with more or less context.
Me: how about a new subject?
God: How about it.
Me: you know, iraq seems to be spiraling into chaos. any thoughts on that? is it the apocalypse?
God: Not if I can help it.
Me: but can you?
God: I think I can, don't you?
Me: well, i don't really believe in you, so...
God: Interesting. Not really? Where do you get your ideas?
Me: reality tv, like everyone else in america.
God: it appears to be an illusion I created to contain human clients.
Me: you created reality tv?? that actually explains a lot. is trump a disciple of yours?
God: Which show? Interesting gossip: said I created reality TELEVISION. " Which show? Interesting gossip: said I created reality TELEVISION." actually explains a lot ? Makes sense to me. Maybe. Ask Cybelle if it is.
Me: damn, god's on the fritz again... think i'll go drink some more wine.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN HELL...
Hey, remember the argument from the Right that went like this? "We can't withdraw our troops in Iraq because it would result in all out Civil War and would be irresponsible to the people of Iraq." Well, what say ye now Bushbots? Despite our continued presence in Iraq, it appears that all-out Civil War has erupted anyway. From Dan Murphy:

An attack Wednesday that destroyed the soaring gold dome of one of Shiite Islam's holiest shrines is being interpreted by most Shiites here as a direct attack on their faith - and has sharply raised sectarian tensions.

It's unclear if any people were killed in the massive explosion in Samarra, about 60 miles north of Baghdad. But the destruction of the shrine may be the most emotionally charged of attacks on Shiite targets thus far in the war, and could set back already hamstrung efforts to form a government of Shiite and Sunni unity.

As citizens deserted the streets of Baghdad in the wake of the attack, many said they feared this could be a seminal moment in Iraq's low-intensity civil war.

"The war could really be on now,'' says Abu Hassan, a Shiite street peddler who declined to give his full name. "This is something greater and more symbolic than attacks on people. This is a strike at who we are."

The very knowledgable and reasoned Juan Cole referred to this development as "apocalyptic" and claims "the threat of terrorism and attacks on Americans just went way up." Since the bombing at the Akariya shrine in Samarra, the whole of Iraq has exploded in a massive wave of violence.

Sectarian violence killed more than 130 people across Iraq and left dozens of mosques damaged or in ruins as the United States appealed on Thursday to Sunnis and Shi'ites to step back from the brink of civil war.

Among the dead were 47 people, apparently both Sunnis and Shi'ites, whom gunmen dragged from vehicles after they attended a demonstration to show cross-sectarian solidarity near Baghdad.

After discussions with Shi'ites, Kurds and leaders of a smaller Sunni group, he [President Jalal Talabani] told a televised news conference that if all-out war came "no one will be safe".

And our young men and women are caught right in the middle of this with nothing to do but duck and cover, hope they don't make things worse and try to get out alive. But don't worry, the perpetrators of this violence are in their 'last throes', so everything should be just fine.

Things appear to be past the point of no return, with more than 90 mosques attacked and burned in a matter of hours, armed militias in the streets and a sectarian rift that has climbed to the very top of the newly elected government. But the Bush administration says there's nothing to worry about. "Civil War? What Civil War? Pish posh."

This is the result of the Bush administration's inability to see the world in any way but their own. Since day one, these idiots in charge of our foreign policy haven't understood the hornet's nest they were stirring up. It's not as if no one warned them about the potential for civil war, the fragile nature of Iraq's ethnic and religious make-up. But they refused to listen, they insisted that if we went in, guns ablazing, tore down a statue, and offered candy, cash and bootleg DVDs to the people on the street, the entire region would come around to our way of thinking. This ignorant misunderstanding of the region has brought us to this point, a point of no return.




But let's not forget, at least George W. respects our troops. Need proof? How about statements like this, to the mother of a slain soldier about her son: “How do you know his life would have been good?”

Know what that is? That's Compassionate Conservatism at work, that's what that is. God, what a dick.

Sick and tired of this bullshit? Mad as hell? Can't take it anymore? Do something about it. Contact your congressman. Push to Censure Bush and Cheney. And learn about why we should and how we can impeach these motherfuckers. It's way past time.



MORE
Buckley: It Didn't Work
Reuters: Civil War, or Worse?
Progress: Bush Ignored Warnings
Alternet: Desecrating a Memory
FOX: Could Civil War Be a Good Thing (wha??!)

THE PRESIDENT READS STUFF SOMETIMES

"Really, there was a hurricane? When? Where?"

SAFE HARBOR?
Is it just me, or has the discourse become very, well, Republican since this "Port storm" erupted a few days ago? It seemed as though even some of the most progressive places on the cybernets suddenly became very narrow-minded, even slightly racist, in the early hours of this controversy. Thankfully, the people I've come to greatly respect and rely on for daily sanity checks amidst the craziness that is Bush's America are now giving the issue the deeper thought it deserves. But really, that first day it seemed as though everyone had turned into Ann Coulter, picking up on the all-too-simplistic meme that 'Bush was handing over our ports to terrorists.' It was Bizarro Blogosphere.

Kind of looks like Hannity, no?

That said, please understand that I'm not defending the Bushies here. Not at all. But I think it's important we don't get lumped into the 'all Arabs are terrorists' crowd. This deal still stinks to high heaven, and there are plenty of legitimate questions to be asked about it without propagating the image of America as irrational, xenophobic and racist. Let's ask why the deal was done in such a shady, backroom way? Why weren't proper vetting procedures followed? How much of this is cronyism and back-scratching? Why didn't the president even know about the deal until after it was done? And if he didn't pull the trigger, who did? Why is Bush so insistent now that it gets done, and why so fast? What does the administration owe the UAE and why? And perhaps the most important question, what is being done to fix the gaping holes in our current port security operations, something this deal has absolutely nothing to do with.

These are all proper questions. But let the idiots on the other side ask questions like 'why is Bush handing over the keys to Osama and his pals?' That's the one thing that side can be counted on to do, ask stupid questions. There are innumerable things Bush has done to jeopardize our security (Iraq, torture, speaking in public), but this isn't one of them.

'See, I'm keeping us safe -- these are safety goggles!'

Honestly, I don't think we have to do anything here, we can just sit back and watch this panicky pack of pachyderms devour themselves over this issue. This really may be the straw that broke the elephant's back for the Bush kingdom. Simply put, this deal is politically retarded. Whoever made this decision had one too many highballs or something (ya listening Cheney?). Seriously, how could they not see the firestorm this would create? In an election year, when so much has already gone wrong for the Republican party and when their grip on power is tenuous at best, the Bushies engage in a deal that directly damages the party's falsely-earned reputation as being tough on national security, the one thing they could still cling to as a strength? Spectacularly idiotic this move is.

I mean really, if they owed something to the UAE, why did it have to be the ports? Couldn't they have turned something less obvious over to them? I don't know, sell them an ice cream franchise or the syndication rights to American Idol or something. Seriously, why the ports? Did Rumsfeld lose them in poker game or something?

'Damn. A pair of 6's? What was I thinking??'

Speaking of, does it worry anybody that your average blogger knew about this a week before the Secretary of Defense? I mean, I know he doesn't use e-mail, but does he have a phone? You'd think someone would've called him or something. Of course, the Bushies have hoisted the art of incompetence to levels never thought possible, so nothing should surprise us at this point. Hell, next week we'll probably learn that Wolfowitz sold the state of Arizona to the Saudis, Gonzales handed federal law enforcement over to the Gambino family, and Bush handed over the ports just to get Michael Jackson back. He still thinks that moonwalk thing is really, really cool.

Operation Recover Jacko is underway.

MORE
Kos: Trust Them?
David Cole: Are We Safer?
Progress: Two Ships Passing in the Night
Alan Elsner: Terror Fears, Stoked by Bush, Now Bite Him
Joshua Holland: The Untold Story of the Ports Deal (Added)

[return to DAYS home]

THIS ONE TIME, AT THE OLYMPICS...
Separated at birth? You be the judge...


US Olympic figure skater Emily Hughes.


Former sapphic Wiccan and band camp flutist Alyson Hannigan.

WELL THAT WAS FUN
After a week jam-packed full of Dick jokes, innumerable movie and song parodies, and lines like 'wasn't there more uproar when Clinton's friend took a load in the face?', I think it's time to move on. Harry Birdman's apology to Big Dick on Friday just about ends this weeklong carnival which, frankly, is kind of sad.



But hey, could it be that we were a tad distracted by a little birdshot? Maybe we should check and see what we missed while the vice president was busy out hunting millionaire lawyer's faces? As the nation wagged its collective tongue about Big Dick's Elmer Fudd moment, the real devastating shit got pushed to the back pages. For instance...

.... did you hear about those photos? No, not of Abramoff and Bush, although that was another stifled story from this week. No, I'm talking about another collection of nation-shaming, administration-damning photos from already-infamous Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq that surfaced while we all laughed heartily about Deadeye Dick. And did you hear what the root of the entire Abu Ghraib scandal is? No, not that systematic torture was allowed to fester throughout the U.S. military, but rather that someone took pictures of it. Traitorous bastards and their traitorous digital cameras. Shame on them.

A few more 'bad apples.'

... Hurricane Katrina, one of the administration's many albatrosses (albatri?), should've been front and center all week as Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff (aka Skeletor) was roasted over the Congressional coals for his and the entire bumbling Bush brigade's response to last August's disaster. During the hearings, Chertoff said Katrina was "one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of my life," but no one really heard because we were too busy listening to Dick say that shooting his friend in the face was one of the "worst days of his life." Yes, I'm sure the agony Chertoff experienced felt just like being stranded on a rooftop for a week without food or water. And Cheney's probably felt almost as bad as having both legs blown off by an IED in the middle of the desert. What assholes.

A total disaster.

... Cheney himself moved forward aggressively in a full-court press to sway Republican members of Congress away from their skepticism on the administration's domestic spying program. And apparently, that press worked, as the Senate Cover-up Committee -- erm, Intelligence Committee, scuttled the need for a Congressional investigation toward the end of the week. Score on for Big Dick... and he didn't even have to load his gun for that one.

A big, huge Dick.

... remember all the attention that 'addicted to oil' line in Bush's State of the Union got last month? Well, it was just that, a line. More specifically, a line of crap. Bush's budget proposal includes one of the largest giveaways ever, in the form of royalty relief, to the nation's oil companies, they of the record profits. Not only that, the budget also introduces massive cuts to energy savings programs. So apparently, the way this administration treats addiciton is by giving more money to the dealers and disregarding all treatment programs. Brilliant. At least they didn't cut funding for cancer research or something... What's that? Oh jeebus, never mind.

Petroleum-filled jowels.

... by the way, Bush? Still not popular. Thirty-nine percent? So much for that, uh, 'bounce.'

Happy President's Day George!

... remember Valerie Plame? Scooter Libby? Patrick Fitzgerald? Ahhhh, it all seems like so long ago, doesn't it? Well, l'affair Plame rolls on, and got a whole lot more interesting last week. First off, did you hear that Cheney has the power to declassify intelligence? Yep, thanks to a 2003 executive order issued by Bush (and most likely written by Cheney), Big Time is as powerful as the president, which is good since he's been running the country for the past five years. This will also serve as a convenient defense once Fitzgerald's investigation exposes Dick's office as the nefarious hub of all spy outing activity, a revelation certain adminstration officials seemed determined to prevent from happening. By the way, did you hear that Plame may have actually been working on Iran's WMD program when she was outed? Which brings us to...

... Iran. Now just why would the administration want to kill a program looking into the WMD programs of one of the charter members of the Axis of Evil? Could it be that the results of Plame's meticulous espionage efforts don't hew with the story they want to tell to justify a pre-emptive strike on a sovereign nation? Nawww, they would never do such a thing. And really, why would they waste so much time, energy and money to sell a war? Why not just manufacture a terrorist attack and save the effort? Hey, maybe they could enlist the help of the United Arab Emirates for something like that? They do, after all, control the nation's largest ports now. It's kismet!

Next week?

DAYS in PICTURES: Skating, Pachyderm, Ice & Guns
Introducing a new feature, DAYS in PICTURES. It's real simple: The power of the image is undeniable, and one way to measure the pulse of society is to find out what images are buzzing around the internets. Luckily, Yahoo! makes this easy by putting together a "Most E-mailed Photos" page. In this semi-regular feature, DAYS will take a look at and offer brief comment on the top 4 photos of the moment. Ready? Say 'cheese.'

#1
[detail]
I had no idea figure skating was so popular... or could it be that extra sequin popping out from her costume that propelled this one to the top slot? Uh huh.

#2
[detail]
Walt Disney isn't dead, he's been training elephants in Thailand to do this. And guess what? Their dung looks like rose petals!

#3
[detail]
Bill Clinton visited upstate New York this weekend.

#4
[detail]
Now why on earth would this photo be so popular? Must be the, uh, guns.

APPARENTLY, TODAY IS "WTF?! FRIDAY"
After the inconceivable apology from Mr. Whittington earlier, you know, for his face getting in the way of Cheney's gun, I ran across this gem from our fine Secretary of Defense, Don Rumsfeld:

Rumsfeld: US lags in propaganda war
The United States lags dangerously behind al Qaeda and other enemies in getting out information in the digital media age and must update its old-fashioned methods, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said on Friday.

The Pentagon's chief said today's weapons of war included e-mail, Blackberries, instant messaging, digital cameras and Web logs, or blogs.

"Our enemies have skillfully adapted to fighting wars in today's media age, but ... our country has not adapted," Rumsfeld said.

This from the guy who, as revealed yesterday, doesn't use e-mail.

What's so funny asshole?

He'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter.

Hey, know what Rummy? If you didn't waste buckets and buckets of taxpayer dollars on propaganda to launch ill-conceived, unecessary wars of choice, maybe you'd have some left over to buy a blackberry or two. Just a thought.

[return to DAYS home]

WHO'S SORRY NOW?
Oh. My. God. The guy who got shot in the face last weekend just apologized to the drunk bastard that shot him in the face.

Whittington, 78, said he was sorry for all the trouble the incident had caused Cheney, as he spoke with reporters at the hospital for the first time since the Saturday shooting.

Meanwhile, the drunk bastard that shot him hasn't apologized for shit. In fact, he received a standing ovation today. I give up. I just totally give up.

Does this look like the face of someone who should apologize to anyone?

'Sorry for getting in the way of your gun sir.'

More from Whittington, who is clearly afraid that Cheney may shoot him again if he doesn't say the right things:

"We all assume certain risks in whatever we do. Regardless of how experienced, careful and dedicated we are, accidents do and will happen. And that's what happened last Friday," Whittington said, meaning on Saturday.

Yep, he's doing fine. Cheney shot him up so good, he doesn't even remember what day of the week it is. Either that, or this happened a day earlier than everyone suspected meaning it took Cheney 38 hours to sober instead of 14.

"I regret that I couldn't meet you earlier but you can see what a lucky person I am."

Uh huh. That sure does look like the face of a 'lucky person'.

"This past weekend encompassed all of us in a cloud of misfortune and sadness that's not easy to explain, especially to those not familiar with the great sport of quail hunting," he said. "My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week," Whittington said. "We hope that he will continue to come to Texas and seek the relaxation that he deserves.

Oh please. You know who deserves relaxation? The guy who got SHOT IN THE FACE, that's who! You know who else deserves relaxation? The thousands of soldiers Dick Cheney has sent off to serve double, triple, sometimes quadruple tours fighting a completely unecessary, poorly planned and wholly mismanaged war.

Dick Cheney should be shot. In the face. By Mr. Whittington. *

* and yes, I suspect the Secret Service will be at my door any minute for that one, but I don't care.

[return to DAYS home]

A TOAST TO BIG DICK
Well hooray for you sir. After four days, and non-stop, near worldwide pressure to do so, you took the daring step of sitting down with the hard-nosed, totally unbiased newshounds at FOX News to talk about that little SHOOTING-YOUR-FRIEND-IN-THE-FACE incident. Good thing too, because the boys at FOX were worried about how you were feeling.

And hey, kudos to you sir, you even took the blame. Seriously, that's big of you, taking responsibility and such. I mean, who cares that for four days you refused to say anything while your flaks spun their wheels in attempt to pin the blame on the guy who got SHOT IN THE FACE. You've owned up to it now, good for you.

'Accept my apology, or else.'

So what else did the big man have to say about the incident?

"I'm the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend, and that's something I'll never forget....The image of him falling is something I will never be able to get out my mind."

He then added, "I will cherish it forever. What a shot. I hit him right square in the kisser, dead on. I think I popped the first boner I've sported in a decade when I saw my buckshot sink into his face. Bam! Sweet, sweet bullseye."

Ok, maybe not, but at least that would explain the celebratory cocktail Big Dick fixed himself upon returning to the ranch after the incident. No, really, he did:

Armstrong had told CNN she never saw Cheney or Whittington "drink at all on the day of the shooting until after the accident occurred, when the vice president fixed himself a cocktail back at the house."

Think it was a Bloody Mary?


Dick prepares for the hunt with a steaming hot cup 'o whiskey.

This cocktail revelation does bring up the question that has been bubbling just underneath the surface of all the reportage thus far: Was there alcohol involved? Curiously, the sheriff's report determined that no alcohol was involved despite the fact that the authorities didn't even get to speak with Cheney until the next day. Unsurprisingly, this discrepancy and the slow trickle of detail have raised all sorts of questions about alcohol's potential role in the incident.

The instant the curious details of the delayed involvment of the sheriff's office began to emerge, I thought of one person and one person only: Lizzie Grubman. Remember her? She was the PR princess who backed her SUV into a crowd of people outside a club in the Hamptons a few years back. Here's some detail from her case:

Police officers investigating the crash at Conscience Point Inn in Southampton did not catch up to Grubman for more than two hours and so no tests were administered to measure her blood-alcohol content.

And now, from Cheney's:

At least one deputy showed up at the ranch’s front gate Saturday evening and asked to speak to Cheney but was turned away by the Secret Service, [Secret Service spokesman Eric] Zahren said.

Hmmmm, birds of a feather?

MORE
Green Knight: I Give Up
File 83: Hunting Crashers
Letterman: Cheney Presser
TDS: Cheney's Got A Gun
Goodwin: No room for a laughingstock
NYDN: At least the birds weren't retarded. This time.

[Return to DAYS home]

THE HORSES THEY RODE IN ON
What is it with Republicans and their horses? I know we have a so-called cowboy president, but it seems as though everyone in the Bush administration has some sort of equine connection. It's really kinda weird.

'Check it out, I'm pretendin' to be a cowboy.'

First, there was that joke by Laura Bush, the one where she revealed her husband's penchant for, um, 'milking' horses. Then there's disgraced former FEMA director Michael Brown, whose experience as a judge for the International Arabian Horse Association prepared him mightily to eat dinner while New Orleans drowned. I'm certain a horse head or two has ended up in the bed of many a Republican political enemy. And I have no doubt that this guy is a Republican.... (oh, so that's what Santorum was worried about).

Donald Rumsfeld, during a trip to Mongolia a few months backs, enthusiastically received a gift horse from his hosts. Literally. And most recently, the War Horse of a Defense Secretary was spotted in Morocco ogling million-dollar hillbilly Gatsbys.' Heh. As he admired the beasts, Rumsfeld commented that he'd "trade jobs" with the ranch manager in heartbeat, something I whole-heartedly endorse.

'Think we could waterboard this sucker?''

Of course, there is a non-equine related question about just what Rummy was doing in Morocco in the first place. Could it possibly have something to do with the construction of a new detention facility/torture chamber for suspected evildoers? After all, they're going to have to move all those 'enemy combatants' somewhere once they're forced to close Guantanamo.

Kind of sours that whole horsin' around theme, eh?



Well, not for him apparently. Laugh it up you sick bastard.

MORE
Bush: Scared of Horses
D-Ren: Rummy Saddles Up
Kos: Bush Appoints Horse to Cabinet
Petition: Declaring Bush A Horse's Ass

[DAYS home]

OOH! OOH! WAS IT SCALIA?

Cheney Accidently Shoots Hunting Companion
Vice President Cheney accidentally peppered a hunting companion with pellets during a quail hunt on a Texas ranch over the weekend, sending the 78-year-old man to the hospital with injuries to his face and chest.

Nope, he shoots ducks with Scalia, not quail.

Everybody run, Cheney's got a gun.

Actually, I'm surprised it wasn't Scooter, who sort of tossed Big Dick under the bus earlier this week. Or it could've been Porter Goss, who inadvertently accused Cheney of being a traitor. For that matter, are we sure it wasn't Patrick Fitzgerald, the man who could ultimately bring Mr. Mean down? Honestly, there are so many potential targets for this man to take aim at, maybe someone should revoke the dude's hunting license.

And maybe Dick oughta start hanging out with that other even-keeled hunting enthusiast, Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight. Just a thought.

MORE
E&P: More Questions
ThinkP: Investigate Dick
The Swamp: Slow Trigger
FireDogLake: Chickenhawks With Guns

TAP THAT ASS
Don't tell me the government's wiretap program isn't working. We busted these two evildoers didn't we?



Never trust a Canuck with a centerfold wife.

NEWSFLASH: IT'S A TERRIFYING WORLD
Shorter George Bush: "Boo! Now let me do whatever the hell I want."

Seriously, if it wasn't just to scare us into trusting him, can someone tell me what the point of yesterday's 'terror revelation' was? It's just so blatant. The only card these bumbling, crooked morons have left to play is the fear card. Hell, Karl Rove said so himself a few weeks back.

And did anyone actually see this yesterday and think, "Oh my god! What are we going to do?! Thank goodness King George was there to protect us! He saved us all!" Honestly, why is it news that there are people in the world that want to kill Americans? Is that supposed to be some sort of revelation? I think anyone who didn't already realize this basic fact, got the message loud and clear four years, four months and eleven days ago.

'Yep, I stopped 'dem ter'rists wit my own 2 hands.'

So why reveal this information now? What's the point? You don't think maybe they're trying to deflect attention away from, oh, this?
Abramoff says Bush met, even joked, with him

Or this? Libby Testified He Was Told To Leak Data About Iraq

Or maybe this? White House Knew of Levee's Failure on Night of Storm

Nawww, couldn't be. This administration would never distract and manipulate the American public through fearmongering like that, would they? What's that you say? A mushroom cloud over Ohio if we don't attack Iran tomorrow? Shit, guess we better start dropping bombs now then!

Now that's scary.

MORE
D-Renegade: Busted
Atrios: Stop Making Sense
First Draft: Scotty's bad day
C&L: Al Qaeda has a good friend in the White House