Friday, February 25, 2005
I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY, MY AGENT AND ABSOLUT
Yes, it's time, once again, for Hollywood's annual self-love festival, the Oscars, which of course means it's time for yet another drinking game – because, let's be honest here, a tofu-eating game just isn't as much fun. And because I'm a drunk. Also, when I can't come up with something original to say, I just slap one of these badboys together. My one piece of advice for Hollywood's Biggest Night? Don't drink and watch Joan Rivers work the red carpet, it could be fatal.
MORE
Defamer LiveBlogs the telecast, tune in!
New York Times Oscar Coverage
The Oscar Blog!
Get your printable ballots here!
Yahoo's Oscar Pick 'em Contest
"You like me! You really, really like me!!"
Yes, it's time, once again, for Hollywood's annual self-love festival, the Oscars, which of course means it's time for yet another drinking game – because, let's be honest here, a tofu-eating game just isn't as much fun. And because I'm a drunk. Also, when I can't come up with something original to say, I just slap one of these badboys together. My one piece of advice for Hollywood's Biggest Night? Don't drink and watch Joan Rivers work the red carpet, it could be fatal.
- The word "Oscar" is uttered: 1 drink (hey, we're here to get drunk!)
- Host Chris Rock gets bleeped: 2 drinks
- Host Chris Rock shows boob: 10 drinks... of milk.
- Any winner thanks God: 3 drinks
- Any loser blames God: See that bottle of wine? Pretend it's communion and go to town!
- An appeal is made for tsunami victims: Sober up asshole! How can you drink at a time like this?
- Any boxing-related pun ('she's a knockout' etc.) is used when speaking of Million Dollar Baby : Punch the person to your left.
- Any winner gets 'played off' by the orchestra: 2 drinks
- Any winner reacts to being 'played off' by assaulting the orchestra: 10 drinks (don't worry, Sean Penn isn't expected to show)
- Presenter Tim Robbins says something political: 1 drink
- Presenter Tim Robbins DOESN'T say something political: 8 drinks and recite the Communist Manifesto.
- Anyone cries: 3 drinks
- Clint Eastwood cries: Reassert everyone's manhood by punching yourself in the face 5 times, grabing your crotch and drinking a bottle of Everclear.
- Jamie Foxx impersonates Ray Charles: 1 drink
- Jamie Foxx impersonates Ray Bradbury: 3 shots of Bacardi 451.
- Maria Full of Grace star Catalina Sandino Moreno wins, 'mules' her statuette off stage: One sherry enema. (see posting below)
- Jamie Foxx mentions Paul Giamatti in his acceptance speech: A glass of Pinot.
- Paul Giamatti drunkenly interrupts Foxx' acceptance speech: A glass of Pinot... from a styrofoam cup.
- Thomas Haden Church mentions Wings in his acceptance speech: Down a bottle of Cisco, Nantucket's finest.
- Leonardo DiCaprio mentions Growing Pains in his acceptance speech: Finish your drink, get in your car and drive your kids across town, à la GP co-star Tracey Gold.
- Anyone refers to Martin Scorsese as 'Marty': 2 drinks
- Anyone refers to Martin Scorsese as 'Susan Lucci': 6 drinks (one for each failed nomination)
- Sylvester's Stallone's 1991 movie Oscar gets a mention: shotgun a Pabst – a six-pack of Pabst.
- Sly's Oscar gets an award: suck down everything in your liquor cabinet.
- You stay awake until the end: Put down the bottle and roll yourself a joint.
MORE
Defamer LiveBlogs the telecast, tune in!
New York Times Oscar Coverage
The Oscar Blog!
Get your printable ballots here!
Yahoo's Oscar Pick 'em Contest
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
REMAINS of the DAYS: The One With Paris Hilton's Sidekick
Damn, step away from your blog for a few weeks and all hell breaks loose. Well, ok, maybe not hell, but seeing as how recent events have included a fatal sherry enema, Paris Hilton's boobies (again), and a gay prostitute named Bulldog in the White House, hell can't be far off. Let's review what's happened, shall we?
Damn, step away from your blog for a few weeks and all hell breaks loose. Well, ok, maybe not hell, but seeing as how recent events have included a fatal sherry enema, Paris Hilton's boobies (again), and a gay prostitute named Bulldog in the White House, hell can't be far off. Let's review what's happened, shall we?
- "Paris Hilton's Sidekick Hacked" When I first saw this headline, I thought someone had taken an axe to Nicole Richie. Unfortunately, it was just another 'oops, how did all these naked pictures of me end up on the Internet?' moment for the young, vapid socialite, but with the added bonus of celebrity phone numbers this time! Naturally, the theft and subsequent dumping of Paris' electronic rolodex and photo album on the internet ignited a giddy firestorm across the blogosphere. Enjoy.
- Some asshole left thousands of orange garbage bags all over Central Park. And then some genius made fun of it: The Gates of Somerville.
- Lindsay Lohan's father continued his quest to win the Worst Dad Ever award. I think he's almost a lock; all he needs to do now is threaten to kill his entire family or something...
- Wal-Mart's plan to build a megastore right here in the middle of blue-state territory was soundly defeated. That's right red-state corporate ass-suckers, don't fuck with Queens! Who else wants some? You want a piece Cracker Barrel?? Come and get it!
- Oh yeah, President Bush went to Europe. His mission? Find fences, mend them. While W. did seem to admit that the US and Europe had some differences on that little Iraq thing, he wasn't apologetic or olive branchy about it at all. No, instead he essentially told the entire continent that 'he was right, they were wrong and to get over it because freedom is on the march... biyatchs!' Oh, and he also showed his nuts a lot.
- While on his European vacation, Bush also denied the rumor floating around that his administration was readying an attack on Iran with this reassuring quote: "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. Having said that, all options are on the table." Ok, great, so when's that gonna happen again? June? Cool, thanks.
- Ironically named Doug Wead released 'secret' tapes indicating that Bush smoked pot. Nobody cared. Clinton, of course, would've been impeached. Oh, and Wead's 15 minutes? Over, he can go home now.
- New Chief Spook Porter Goss told Capitol Hill that the war in Iraq is creating more terrorists. Wait, what?? Shocker! I never would've thought... oh wait, I, and the rest of the Loony Left, ALREADY DID. Months ago. Bastards.
- In lighter, sexier fare, The O.C. has lesbians! Lesbians I tell ya! (video)
- And the NBA still has a dunk contest, who knew? As unimportant as this is, the video of it is still pretty cool. (video)
- Jose Canseco apparently gave it to Mark McGwire in the ass.
- The International Olympic Committee visited New York City to evaluate its chances of hosting the 2012 Olympics and the city welcomed them with a singular, strong voice: 'Go Home!' it said. Seriously, we can't be bothered. Seriously, go home.
- In Texas (red state!) a woman named Tammy Warner managed to kill her husband by giving him a sherry enema. Yes, that's wine lethally delivered up the anus. And you thought Canseco's ass story was disturbing... damn.
- The Alabama dildo ban remains intact. Poor Alabamians.
- Speaking of dildos, did anyone hear about this Gannon/Guckhert thing? Apparently, some fake reporter named James Guckhert from some crap-ass, right-wing blog using a false name (Jeff Gannon) was provided top credentials and access to President Bush and his press secretary every day for nearly two years. Say what?? Eyebrows finally raised when the clearly partisan Gannon/Guckhert asked the president "how he was able to so easily continue being the awesomest president ever and why do the Democrats suck so hard?" Speaking of sucking hard, did we forget to mention that Gannon/Guckhert is also a gay prostitute? Too much to wrap your head around? Just watch this clip from the Daily Show. Or follow Bloggerman.
- Oy. Did I mention The O.C. has lesbians??
Monday, February 21, 2005
GOODBYE GONZO
"Some may never live, but the crazy never die."
So long and Mahalo Dr. Thompson. We'll miss you, you crazy fuck.
MORE
The Guardian: Life the Gonzo Way, according to the good doctor himself.
SFC: 'Did you see what God just did to us?'
SFC: 'I am not nearly stoned enough'
Amazon: Read His Shit
The Nation: HST's 1965 column on the Hell's Angels
ESPN: HST talks Shotgun Golf with Bill Murray (Last Column)
"It was a sweet time, all in all. In some ways it was a depraved and terrifying adventure in the darkest side of life, and at least half the time it was like being shot out of a beautiful cannon in some kind of X-rated Peter Pan movie. I would definitely do it again..." - HST, from Kingdom of Fear, 2002
"Some may never live, but the crazy never die."
So long and Mahalo Dr. Thompson. We'll miss you, you crazy fuck.
MORE
The Guardian: Life the Gonzo Way, according to the good doctor himself.
SFC: 'Did you see what God just did to us?'
SFC: 'I am not nearly stoned enough'
Amazon: Read His Shit
The Nation: HST's 1965 column on the Hell's Angels
ESPN: HST talks Shotgun Golf with Bill Murray (Last Column)
"It was a sweet time, all in all. In some ways it was a depraved and terrifying adventure in the darkest side of life, and at least half the time it was like being shot out of a beautiful cannon in some kind of X-rated Peter Pan movie. I would definitely do it again..." - HST, from Kingdom of Fear, 2002
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
STATE OF THE UNION? WHY, DRUNK OF COURSE!
Because what would a Bush speech be without a little booze? Raise a glass to Freedom y'all!
And of course, Wonkette weighs in with her own game:
· Every time "Iraqi vote" referenced: 1 tiny sip. (Pace yourself on that one, seriously.)
· "Mandate": touch yourself to gay porn mag Mandate.
· John McCain spits on floor: chug-a-lug!
· Mentions "WMD": smash bottle in face.
· Says "Plowing through": titter like a girl.
· Tricky one: "On Monday, we will reveal details..": 2 drinks.
· Annual fave, "status quo": 1 smack on the head.
· Whenever Cheney sneers like Mephistopholes: 1 drink.
More here.
Other SOTU Fun
Betting Lines: O/U on number of times someone stands up and yells "Bullshit!": Zero.
Pre-Blogging the SofU: 9:03: yes, yes, you all have hands with which to clap. enough already.
Because what would a Bush speech be without a little booze? Raise a glass to Freedom y'all!
And of course, Wonkette weighs in with her own game:
· Every time "Iraqi vote" referenced: 1 tiny sip. (Pace yourself on that one, seriously.)
· "Mandate": touch yourself to gay porn mag Mandate.
· John McCain spits on floor: chug-a-lug!
· Mentions "WMD": smash bottle in face.
· Says "Plowing through": titter like a girl.
· Tricky one: "On Monday, we will reveal details..": 2 drinks.
· Annual fave, "status quo": 1 smack on the head.
· Whenever Cheney sneers like Mephistopholes: 1 drink.
More here.
Other SOTU Fun
Betting Lines: O/U on number of times someone stands up and yells "Bullshit!": Zero.
Pre-Blogging the SofU: 9:03: yes, yes, you all have hands with which to clap. enough already.
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