DAYS

Friday, February 25, 2005

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY, MY AGENT AND ABSOLUT
Yes, it's time, once again, for Hollywood's annual self-love festival, the Oscars, which of course means it's time for yet another drinking game – because, let's be honest here, a tofu-eating game just isn't as much fun. And because I'm a drunk. Also, when I can't come up with something original to say, I just slap one of these badboys together. My one piece of advice for Hollywood's Biggest Night? Don't drink and watch Joan Rivers work the red carpet, it could be fatal.

The word "Oscar" is uttered: 1 drink (hey, we're here to get drunk!)
Host Chris Rock gets bleeped: 2 drinks
Host Chris Rock shows boob: 10 drinks... of milk.
Any winner thanks God: 3 drinks
Any loser blames God: See that bottle of wine? Pretend it's communion and go to town!
An appeal is made for tsunami victims: Sober up asshole! How can you drink at a time like this?
Any boxing-related pun ('she's a knockout' etc.) is used when speaking of Million Dollar Baby : Punch the person to your left.
Any winner gets 'played off' by the orchestra: 2 drinks
Any winner reacts to being 'played off' by assaulting the orchestra: 10 drinks (don't worry, Sean Penn isn't expected to show)
Presenter Tim Robbins says something political: 1 drink
Presenter Tim Robbins DOESN'T say something political: 8 drinks and recite the Communist Manifesto.
Anyone cries: 3 drinks
Clint Eastwood cries: Reassert everyone's manhood by punching yourself in the face 5 times, grabing your crotch and drinking a bottle of Everclear.
Jamie Foxx impersonates Ray Charles: 1 drink
Jamie Foxx impersonates Ray Bradbury: 3 shots of Bacardi 451.
Maria Full of Grace star Catalina Sandino Moreno wins, 'mules' her statuette off stage: One sherry enema. (see posting below)
Jamie Foxx mentions Paul Giamatti in his acceptance speech: A glass of Pinot.
Paul Giamatti drunkenly interrupts Foxx' acceptance speech: A glass of Pinot... from a styrofoam cup.
Thomas Haden Church mentions Wings in his acceptance speech: Down a bottle of Cisco, Nantucket's finest.
Leonardo DiCaprio mentions Growing Pains in his acceptance speech: Finish your drink, get in your car and drive your kids across town, à la GP co-star Tracey Gold.
Anyone refers to Martin Scorsese as 'Marty': 2 drinks
Anyone refers to Martin Scorsese as 'Susan Lucci': 6 drinks (one for each failed nomination)
Sylvester's Stallone's 1991 movie Oscar gets a mention: shotgun a Pabst – a six-pack of Pabst.
Sly's Oscar gets an award: suck down everything in your liquor cabinet.
You stay awake until the end: Put down the bottle and roll yourself a joint.