DAYS

STUPID IS AND CRAZY DOES
Paranoia strikes deep in the heartland
But I think it's all overdone
Exaggerating this exaggerating that
They don't have no fun
-- Paul Simon, ‘Have a Good Time’, 1975



I thought I sorta understood the depths of Dick Cheney's twisted, paranoid mind. Then I saw a preview of the man's profile in the forthcoming issue of Vanity Fair:

Purdum reports that Cheney travels with a chemical-biological suit at all times. When he gave his friend Robin West and his twin children a ride to the White House a couple of years ago, West commented on the fact that Cheney's motorcade varied its daily path. "And he said, 'Yeah, we take different routes so that "The Jackal" can't get me,'" West tells Purdum. "And then there was this big duffel bag in the middle of the backseat, and I said, 'What's that? It's not very roomy in here.' And [Cheney] said, 'No, because it's a chemical-biological suit,' and he looked at it and said, 'Robin, there's only one. You lose.'"

Isn't that just typical? While we all scramble for duct tape and plastic sheeting, this asshole carts a biohazard suit around with him. What a dick. And is it any wonder the country has been in a perpetual state of delusional panic for the past six years? The madman at the helm of the ship is convinced that someone, anyone, everyone is out to get him. It's the trickle-down theory of paranoia. Sure, he could be joking about the 'the jackal' coming after him, but let's face it -- he's probably not.

This man has a well-documented history of secrecy and paranoia, from his undisclosed mountain bunkers to stonewalling every investigation -- energy task force meetings, pre-9/11 intelligence -- that comes near him. This is a man who set up a secret White House cabal to run the nation’s foreign policy, orchestrated a series of unprecedented expansions of presidential power to include his own office, and made secret deals to flood the coffers of his buddies at Halliburton. He’s probably the one who ordered the outing of Valerie Plame. He feels no need to inform the public of his actions, even if that includes shooting someone in the face. Former Nixon counsel John Dean has long said the Bush/Cheney regime is more secretive than any previous administration, including Nixon’s. Hell, Cheney even keeps secrets about his secrets.

Just because you're paranoid...

Cheney’s paranoia is as legendary as his secrecy. Revelation of the 24/7 biohazard suit just adds to a long list that includes shoveling massive amounts of the anti-anthrax medication Cipro into his gullet on the heels of 9/11, demanding extra lamps in his hotel room to flush out any lurkers, and launching an over-reaching, illegal domestic spying program. Bush takes most of the heat on this last one, but Cheney’s paranoid fingerprints are all over it. I can hear him now, in that gruff grumble of his, “Spy on everyone, I don’t care if it’s legal or not. Spy on the milkman, the taxi driver, the housewife… any of them could be hiding a dirty bomb. Just do it.”

So what has fueled Big Dick’s increasingly delusional state of mind? According to the Vanity Fair piece, it may be his diet. As Hotline points out:

At age 65, Cheney is easily 30 or more pounds overweight, seems to have slacked off on what was once a more rigorous diet, and appears to suffer from recurrent bouts of gout. At a roundtable lunch with reporters a couple of years ago, two who were present say, he cut his buffalo steak in bite-size pieces the moment it arrived, then proceeded to salt each side of each piece.

He takes a range of medications that he and his doctors decline to detail. The extent of his atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries, which, if it extends beyond the heart to the brain, can cause hard-to-recognize changes in cognition) is unknown. Bypass surgery itself has long been associated with subtle changes in neurological function.

Great, we’re all gonna die because this gluttonous SOB can’t lay off the sodium.

'Pass the salt before I stick this fork in your eye.'

Salt-induced or not, Cheney is wayyyy over the rainbow folks. The scary thing? He's running the country. I realize the idea that Cheney is the real power behind the throne is an overused and oft-repeated caricature, but all evidence points to total confirmation of this notion. John Nance Garner, vice president under Franklin Roosevelt, was once quoted as saying, "the vice presidency isn't worth a pitcher of warm spit." Then Dick Cheney came along.

The Vanity Fair piece provides us with this choice little nugget:

Cheney rejects the caricature of him as the power behind the throne, insisting, "I think we have created a system that works for this president and for me, in terms of my ability to be able to contribute and participate in the process."

That system? Cheney makes all the decisions, Bush distracts us all with his stunning stupidity. We're all so blinded by the imbecile at the podium that we don't notice the crazy madman behind the curtain pulling all the levers.
Don't do it Alice... you won't like what's back there.

Does anyone honestly think that Bush is really ‘The Decider’ in this relationship? Hell, Bush wasn't even the one who decided to pick Cheney as his VP in the first place. Cheney chose himself. Bush as a clear-thinking, decisive leader? Give me a break. This man couldn’t lead his way out of a bag of pretzels.

This is a man who probably gets distracted by the pictures on the menu at Denny's, then forgets that he’s hungry. This is a man whose limited creativity is evidenced by the childish nicknames he assigns people – Yosh, Brownie, Stretch, Tall Guy. This is a man who spends more time bikin' and clearin’ brush than he does presidentin'. And does it scare anyone that all that time he spends biking and clearing brush and generally doing nothing, he still doesn't seem to do any crtitical thinking? Honestly, this is a guy who can probably whack away at weeds for six hours straight and not think of a single thing other than, 'boy, sure are a lot of weeds here.'

Hard workin' preznit.

But Bush isn’t there to be the president; he's there to play the president. He's nothing more than a sock puppet, and Cheney is the hand. (I know, I just got a really disturbing image in my head too… sorry ‘bout that) The only time Bush may have actually been running the country on his own was when Cheney decided to take some time off for a fishing trip last August, and we all know what happened then: He lost the entire city of New Orleans.

Hard workin' Nero.

This is a man who isn’t interested in asking questions. He doesn’t want to be bothered by inconvenient contradictions to his set-in-stone belief system. He’s Uncurious George, and that’s exactly why the Neocons chose him for the role. These guys knew what they wanted to do going back 15 years, at least. They just needed someone uninterested and disengaged enough to pimp it for them without asking any pesky questions. They needed a hunk of clay, basically, and they chose George W. Bush.

They’ve appealed to Bush’s belief in a higher power. They’ve convinced him that he’s the chosen one. They persuade him to adopt their goals and opinions as his own and then let him ride out his messianic fantasy. They've created this insulated bio-dome for him to operate from, one where all his decisions are his own, are justified and ultimately turn out for the best. They need him to live in this fantasyland, where freedom is on the march and the armies of compassion hand out lollipops of liberty, in order to carry out their plan. And who are “they” led by? None other than Dick Cheney, an original signatory to ‘they’re’ plan, also known as the Project for the New American Century.

The next step in that plan apparently is to go after Iran. Now, this is just speculation of course, but if we do end up dropping nukes on that country, I have a feeling the conversation where that decision is made will go something like this:

Dick: I think we should drop some nukes on Iran George
Bush: Really? I don't know... seems dangerous.
Dick: Dangerous? You haven't been reading again have you George?
Bush: Nawww, it just seems like most people don't want me to do it, ya know?
Dick: Who cares what people think! You're The Decider, remember? Come on George, do it.
Bush: Well...
Dick: I'll let you fly the jet again...
Bush: Really?



So who do we want calling the shots, a bumbling buffoon with the attention span of an 8-year-old? Or a paranoid schizophrenic with a penchant for blowing things up? I say neither, we gotta impeach ‘em both. And now.

MORE
In the Dark: It's a Secret!
Dreyfuss: The Vice Squad
MahaBlog: Patriotism vs. Paranoia
Globe: Secrecy is Cheney’s Hallmark
Shakes: President Cheney? *shudder*
Attyhood: The Growing Paranoia of Dick Cheney
Newsweek: Inside Cheney’s dark, secretive mindset

“Secrecy and a free, democratic government don’t mix.” – Harry S. Truman

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