DAYS

HAPPY HOLIDAYS
I'm about to hop a plane and head home for a few days...

... I sure hope we don't hit anything.

Happy HoliDAYS everyone. See you in '06.

REMAINS of the DAYS: The one where straphangers are SOL.
Ahhhh, New York City, always keeping us on our toes. That phrase can be taken quite literally this week, as the first transit strike in 25 years has forced most New Yorkers to pound the pavement. Me? I didn't even change out of pajamas today. I'm one of the lucky ones who can do his job from home. But this is hell on those who actually need to get to their job to do their jobs, so work it out fast you greedy bastards. It's not fair to the city you serve. But hey, these are the things that make living here so damn exciting, just as flying babies, mouthy (but busty!) baseball wives, and record-breaking snowball fights do. In fact, according to New York magazine, there are at least 100 reasons to love living in Gotham. Reason #1? "Because Bush isn't our fault." Of course, since he's surely monitoring this post, I should probably just get to the good stuff. Ladies and gentleman, the last Remains of 2005. Enjoy it before you head out on your 3-hour, 70-block walk to work tomorrow morning. Ugh.

• While Bush watches us, we watch the penguins. Yep, seems like a fair trade. I will gladly swap my personal liberties for the right to penguin gawk non-stop. They appear a little shifty anyway... I even think I saw one of 'em reading Mao the other day. Perhaps someone should alert the president.
• An instant classic from SNL: 'You thinking what I'm thinking? NARNIA!' (Does anyone want to hit up Magnolia and mack on some cupcakes with me? Hardcore!)
• More from SNL: Parents, don't let your children anywhere near this Dick's lap.
• Everyone loves outtakes, even in the middle of global jihad. Check out Osama on The Family Guy.
• My god, Sgt. Mahoney's an arrogant prick. Who knew?! I think Tackleberry needs to be called inf or a little attitude adjustment asap.
• The latest from JibJab offers a look back on on an eventful 2-0-5 for George W.
• My favorite headline of the last few weeks? This one, from Le Figaro: Bush, Beijing Share Pleasure over Taiwan Elections (oh my)
• Last week was a big one for democracy as millions of Iraqis dodged bullets and bombs to cast their votes, and kudos to them for that. The tricky thing about democracy though? You can't control the outcome. That's not to say the Bushies haven't tried to catapult the propaganda in their favor, but despite best efforts, initial results of the vote appear to reveal an Iraqi electorate driven primarily by two things: 1) Religion (imagine that!) and 2) A shared desire to boot the US from their country. Good thing we sacrificed all those lives and stuff. Call me crazy, but somehow I don't think that's what the neocons had in mind when they launched their war. TDS, still on its game, has more on the election. And where does all that purple ink come from anyway?
• Damn you Jimmy Carter. How is anyone supposed to take you seriously when you let stories like this slip? A few weeks ago I was singing your praises, but stories about extraterrestrial epiphanies and irrational bunny paranoia sure do make it tough. Ahhh peanuts.
• Were off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oil!
• In 2005, Congress took on some of society's greatest evils -- steroids in baseball, college football monopolies, Bruce Springsteen, you name it. They had their collective eye on the ball all year long, yet even those tiring, taxing, relentless battles couldn't keep our legislators from making some time to debate the all-important War on Christmas before heading home for the holidays. Despite this obvious dedication, Sister Shakes and others don't seem to think they're working hard enough. And at least one congressman, John D. Dingel, agrees. And in a poetic way, no less!
• As the War on Christmas rages on, Mr. Sun and his gritty, embedded reporter keep us abreast of the news from the front. An excerpt: "Things fall apart. The centre cannot hold. I am one of them now. We head upriver in utter anarchy. We head for the lost City of Elves. We head for Santa." (check out all the dispatches here)
• It's funny how different cultures celebrate the same holiday, isn't it? In New Zealand, the Christmas spirit apparently involves marauding bands of drunk, urinating Santas. Wait, that's actually not all that different from how we celebrate Christmas at my house. So, um, nevermind.
• Where is the bell? Can't hear the bell? Ding! Fries are done. (a BK Holiday)
• Swing Santa! Swing!
• Dear New Orleans, eat my gingerbread suckas! Hahahahaha. Love, Laura. (Worker 3116)
• Finally, on a more sober note, don't forget to help out those in need this season and every season. In particular, victims of the South Asia earthquake are still in dire need of assistance of all kinds. Go here to help. Also, Katrina victims and the Gulf Coast are still in need. Please help if you can.

SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE
Thought I got renditioned or something, didn't ya? Hahahaha! I know it's been a while since I wrote, but don't be silly -- the government doesn't give one fig about what a silly little blogger like me does. Why would they? It's not like the men in dark suits showed up at my Brooklyn studio in the dead of night last week. They didn't duct tape my hands and feet together and stuff me in the back of a van either. And they certainly didn't blindfold me and take me me deep into the bowels of Dick Cheney's underground network of caves to be reprogrammed or anything. Why on earth would they do such a thing? I mean really, what a ridiculous idea. Silly readers.

Bush is reading your e-mail right now. Hide the porn!

There, now that we've cleared that up, I just want to get a few things off my chest: First off, George W. Bush is the greatest president since the founding of our nation. Also, George W. Bush understands freedom better than anyone else on the planet. He's the most freedomest having believer in freedom ever to be free. And he doesn't think the Constitution is "just a goddam piece of paper" either, no matter what you hear. He treasures that sacred document as if it were holy. In fact, he sometimes takes it to bed just to cuddle with it, that's how much he loves it. And George W. Bush is really, really smart too. Don't forget that. Simply put, George W. Bush is Supreme Leader and Ruler of us all. Oh, and Dick Cheney does not condone torture. Also, cuddly as a kitten.

What? What are you all looking at? Like you haven't heard me say all this before?? Criminy.


Gladys Kravitz, Chief Nosey Neighbor in Bush's Busybody Brigade.

ON A MISSION FROM GOD
Quick Quiz: Guess who the "he" is in the following quote?

"He said God had given him directions that he should do something to people who aren't worthy of living. He viewed himself as some sort of instrument of God, to take care of bad people."

Another assessment of our pious President? Well, no. Actually, this is Morgan Cavanaugh, owner of Moriarty's Pub in Cleveland, responding to questions about his discussions with suspected Halloween rapist Peter Braunstein. But confusing this statement, about a suspected sex fiend, with the president's own divine revelations is certainly understandable. After all, God's role in Bush's decision-making has been well documented.



The most recent revelation that God and Bush are likethis comes from The New Yorker's Seymour Hersh, who reaffirmed the president's belief that he is on a personal mission from God to bring democracy to Iraq:

After the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, the former official said, he was told that Bush felt that 'God put me here' to deal with the war on terror. The President's belief was fortified by the Republican sweep in the 2002 congressional elections; Bush saw the victory as a purposeful message from God that 'he's the man,' the former official said. Publicly, Bush depicted his re-election as a referendum on the war; privately, he spoke of it as another manifestation of divine purpose.

This comes on the heels of last October's news that Bush had told a Palestinian delegation in 2003 that God had told him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. This is scary stuff folks. This is the guy considered to be the, ahem, leader of the free world.

This quote, from Thomas Szasz, seems to be extremely appropriate right now: "If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia."

But the President isn't alone in his brush with divinity. Here are a few others who have claimed personal relationships with the Supreme Being, and the result of their godly cuddling.

Pat Robertson
Holy bloviating windbag! This cat has claimed to have a close relationship with God for a long time now, but one of his more recent revelations on this matter was this prediction during the 2004 election: "I think George Bush is going to win in a walk. I'm hearing from the Lord that it's going to be a blow-out."

RESULT: God was half-right on this one. Bush won, sort of, but he failed to cover the massive spread set forth by the God/Robertson booking agency. Pat must've lost a bundle on the deal because he's really lost it of late, threatening not only to asassinate foreign leaders but to bring God's wrath down upon small Pennsylvanian towns. Serious. Raging Nuthole. Really, he hasn't sounded this insane since his crusade against Tinky Winky. He still makes a mean pancake though.

Oral Roberts
In 1980, Christian evangelist Oral Roberts said he had a vision of a 900-foot-tall Jesus, who encouraged him to build the City of Faith Medical and Research Center, the largest health facility of its kind in the world. In 1987, Roberts told his followers that God had threatened to 'off' him if he didn't raise $8 million, and fast.

RESULT: The City of Faith towers were opened triumphantly to the sound of trumpets played by angels in 1981. In 1989, it closed unceremoniously with nary a trumpet or angel to be found. The full $8 million wasn't raised in time to meet God's deadline of March 1. Despite that, the good minister still walks the Earth in human form as most of us still wait for the Almighty to prove good on his threat.

Joan of Arc
A national heroine to the French, Joan's relationship with God began with visions at age 12. When she was only 17, she heeded God's call to reclaim her country from the English. Her efforts helped to end the siege at Orleans and led to the reclamation of many key territories from the Brits.

RESULT: If not for Joan, France could still very well be under British rule. If not for Joan, the French may not have proceeded to piss the Bill O'Reilly's of the world off as much as they have. For this reason alone, we give the God/Joan tandem a hearty nod of approval.

Michelle Williams (Destiny's Child)
In February '05, Michelle had this to say: "I was close to marriage. I prayed and said, 'God, you have to show me. If it ain't right, let me know'. All of a sudden, red flags started popping up…"

RESULT: Obscurity. Is Michelle the one to the left or the right of Beyonce?

Jake & Elwood Blues
"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God."

RESULT: In addition to the craziest car chase in movie history, Illinois Nazis fell from the sky, random shopping malls were destroyed, whip-crackin renditions of 'Rawhide' were performed, and the entire band was incarcerated for life. But they saved the orphanage. Hallelujah.

God certainly does work in mysterious ways, doesn't he?

Oh, and to keep W. happy so he doesn't, you know, blow up a television station or something, let's be sure he gets one of these in his Holiday stocking this year, ok?

Bobble on my son.

MORE
Cole: Distant President Trapped in Utopianism
C&L: Sy Hersh on CNN
The Skip: Digital Divine
The Baghdad Brothers

[return to DAYS home]

THE RUMMY DIARIES
Is it news that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is a bit off his nut? No, of course it’s not, everybody knows that. But with all the time I’ve spent pointing out how big a ‘nefarious bastard’ his partner-in-crime Dick Cheney is, it only seems fair that I shine the asshole light on The Donald for once.


Cheney and Rumsfeld, fucking things up since 1975 (at least)

This week, Rummy re-joined the fight over Iraq, lashing out at critics with his trademark nonsensical reasoning. In attempting to show that Iraq isn’t nearly as bad as the evil liberal media makes it out to be, Rumsfeld offered up some new ways of looking at Iraq. Call this a primer on how to see Iraq through Rumsfeld-colored glasses.

First of all, he suggests we don’t pay attention to US fatalities. Hmmmm, interesting idea… frankly, I don’t think I can argue against this logic. I mean, he does have a point – if it weren’t for all the death and stuff, this Iraq thing really wouldn’t be all that bad. Secondly, Rummy advises we stop paying attention to terrorist attacks in Iraq. Given the administration’s recent ‘failing grade’ in the War on Terror, they apparently bought into this philosophy of ignoring terrorism quite some time ago.

Lastly, and this one’s my favorite, Rumsfeld sought to discredit the negative stories coming out of Iraq by pointing out that a case in which soldiers were suspected of dropping detainees into a lion’s cage has not yet been substantiated. So that’s the measure of success now? As long as we’re not feeding our enemies to the lions we’re doing ok?

'See, if you just grab 'em by the balls and twist reallll hard...'

Ok, so he doesn’t advocate the use of lions to interrogate suspected terrorists, I suppose that’s progress. But the guy is a blood-thirsty maniac regardless. As evidence, look no further then this exchange with General Pace during a press briefing last week:

General Pace: "It is absolutely the responsibility of every U.S. service member, if they see inhumane treatment being conducted, to intervene to stop it."

Rumsfeld: "But I don't think you mean they have an obligation to physically stop it; it's to report it."

This guy can’t even stand the thought of not torturing people. He and Cheney really are two sadistic peas in a wickedly warped pod aren’t they? A commenter over at Think Progress perhaps said it best: "I know where Rummy’s sanity is: It’s in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."

Yep, just like those WMDs are, eh Donald?


'Yeah, yeah, poison gas, rape chambers... How about lions? What's your opinion on lions?'

MORE
Cohen: It’s Time to Sack Rumsfeld
Rumsfeld: Kung-Fu Master
DAYS: Celebrating Rummy
CJR: Rummy's Compassion
Milbank: Rumsfeld’s War on ‘Insurgents’

(my apologies to the late Dr. Thompson for associating his novel with a scoundrel such as Rummy)

CHRISTMAS CRUSADERS

"The fact is, we've gone on the offense now. We've put them on the defense. We're kicking their butts." -- Jerry Falwell, religious douchebag

'There's a reverend at the door, says he wants to sue Zuzu.'

To folks like Falwell, the true meaning of Christmas can apparently be found in litigation and ass-whuppings. How very Christian of them. Honestly, if this so-called 'War on Christmas' exists, how come I'm reminded nearly every hour of every day that it is, without a doubt, 'the most wonderful time of the year'? Every commercial I see, every other song I hear, every television show I watch, I'm reminded that's it's Christmas. And it's still three weeks away. Seriously reverend, Christmas already owns October through January, what the hell else do you want? You know what really ruins the holiday season? Boycotts, petitions, lawyers and sputtering, fundy windbags like yourself, that's what.

This supposed fight, this stupid argument, has become as much a tradition as Rudolph or Frosty or nativity scenes depicting the birth of Santa. Honestly, who cares what you call it? Just enjoy it, spend time with your friends and families, relax with a little nog and call it whatever the hell you want to. Call it Jesus Month if you want, just stop telling me what to call it. And stop fighting about it. You too O'Reilly. And even you ACLU. Seriously, Can all of you just shut up and let us enjoy our December for once?

The Capitol Jesus Bush.

And why is Congress concerning itself and us with this bullshit? Is it because they don't want us to think about the fact they just passed a budget which radically cuts programs for the poor and needy? Is it because they want us to forget about the young Americans dying every day overseas? Every. Single. Day. What a tragic waste of time.

Screw Christmas. Go Holidays. Whatever.

MORE
Echidne : Saturn Trees
The General: Recruiting O'Reilly
Check the Rockin' Holiday Lights
Sploid: Santa Claus Torched the Giant Goat!

STRATEGERY FOR VICTORY
'And then God said, 'stay the course'...'

Isn't it nice that after almost three years of bloody confusion in Iraq the Bush administration has finally come up with a Plan for Victory? Huzzah and kudos Mr. Bush, it's good to know you're so on top of the situation. Yep, President Propaganda pounded the Orwellian 'truth machine' again yesterday, offering up not so much a strategy, but rather a more detailed listing of platitudes and hyperbole than ever before.

I found this passage, from the 35-page "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq" document released yesterday by the White House, particularly interesting:

"It is not realistic to expect a fully functioning democracy, able to defeat its enemies and peacefully reconcile generational grievances, to be in place less than three years after Saddam was finally removed from power."

Fair enough. I don't think anyone was expecting a "fully functioning democracy" at this point. But is it unrealistic to expect, oh, I don't know, water, electricity and health networks to be at higher levels than before the war? Is it unrealistic to expect daily attacks to be on the decline instead of at an all-time high? Is it unrealistic to expect Iraq's oil production to be at higher levels than before the war? Is it unrealistic to expect human rights abuses in Iraq to have decreased rather than increased since Saddam?

But hey, if one measurement of success is how much Iraq is beginning to resemble the United States, then we really are making progress. For one, we're paying the media to write positive stories about the occupation. And for two, the Iraqis are now taking it upon themselves to conduct secret torture and then deny ever doing such a thing. Congratulations Iraq, you're well on your way to becoming a Bush-style democracy. Hooray!

It's raining freedom!

Say what you well about the guy, but at least he's finally figured out that umbrella thing. God, it took him long enough.

MORE
SadlyNo: Shorter GWB
Martini Republic: Banner Day
NYT: 'Less in touch than Nixon'
TProgress: Reality Check on Iraq
USAT: Optimism, Assessment at Odds
C&L: John Murtha responds to Bush (video)
Dreyfuss: What 'staying the course' really means