DAYS

PIGS FLEW, HELL FROZE OVER AND THE CUBS WON
So, uh, wow. The president actually took responsibility for something the other day, how wild was that? My reaction was similar to that of Jon Stewart... but without the exploding head. I guess that 38% approval rating scared the bejeebus out of Team Bush, eh?

'Oh, so that's what that word means...'

Five years after 9/11, why is the president still asking whether we are "capable of dealing with a severe attack"? Shouldn't that have been priority #1 all along? And how hard do you think it was for Bush to actually say he took responsibility? I think someone mentioned that old scene from Happy Days, where The Fonz had to muster up all his courage just to tell someone he was wrong about something. I bet it was something like that. Of course, Fonzie could start a juke box with his elbow, so he's clearly still light years ahead of Bush in my opinion. But that's beside the point.

The point is this: One instance of accepting responsibility in five years does not a leader make, particularly when the list of mistakes and misdeeds is soooo freakin' long. Bush will take to the airways tonight to outline the components of his Katrina aide package (i.e. the Halliburton gift basket). Anyone think he'll take responsiblity for some of his term's other 'accomplishments'?*

• Presided over the two Biggest Intelligece Failures of our lifetimes, 9/11 & the Iraqi WMD fallacy. He then awarded the person responsible for stopping those failures with a medal.
• Seriously squandered the massive, post-9/11 good will the world sent the U.S. Now, everyone hates us. Even Poland.
• Approved the interrogation practices that led to torture at Abu Ghraib, an incident more damaging to the country, both in terms of reputation and safety, than any other before it. Oh, and the guy who advised him on how to make it happen? Now your attorney general, soon-to-be Supreme Court Judge, Alberto Gonzales.
• Proved he's making us safer, as evidenced by the tripling of global terrorist attacks.
• Oversaw a $1.40 increase in the price of gas per gallon over the past four years.
• And the 7 percent decrease in real value of minimum wage over the past four years.
• And the 11 percent increase in poverty over the past four years.
• And four straight years in which median household incomes have not increased.
• And the all-time high trade deficit, nearing $700 billion.

Doubt it. Frankly, I'm just hoping he can get through the speech without having to take a 'pee break'.

Everybody Poops.

Seriously, isn't it about time we started talking about the 'I-word'? Or, as Bill Maher suggested, how about a good 'ol fashioned Recall? Whew doggie!

New Rule: America must recall the president. That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars.

Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church and Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.
-- Bill Maher

But hey, at least he didn't use the White House to get a blow job. That would be unforgivable.

So much cooler than Bush.

*Many thanks to ThinkProgress for the list.