DAYS

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One With Paris Hilton's Sidekick
Damn, step away from your blog for a few weeks and all hell breaks loose. Well, ok, maybe not hell, but seeing as how recent events have included a fatal sherry enema, Paris Hilton's boobies (again), and a gay prostitute named Bulldog in the White House, hell can't be far off. Let's review what's happened, shall we?

"Paris Hilton's Sidekick Hacked" When I first saw this headline, I thought someone had taken an axe to Nicole Richie. Unfortunately, it was just another 'oops, how did all these naked pictures of me end up on the Internet?' moment for the young, vapid socialite, but with the added bonus of celebrity phone numbers this time! Naturally, the theft and subsequent dumping of Paris' electronic rolodex and photo album on the internet ignited a giddy firestorm across the blogosphere. Enjoy.
Some asshole left thousands of orange garbage bags all over Central Park. And then some genius made fun of it: The Gates of Somerville.
Lindsay Lohan's father continued his quest to win the Worst Dad Ever award. I think he's almost a lock; all he needs to do now is threaten to kill his entire family or something...
Wal-Mart's plan to build a megastore right here in the middle of blue-state territory was soundly defeated. That's right red-state corporate ass-suckers, don't fuck with Queens! Who else wants some? You want a piece Cracker Barrel?? Come and get it!
Oh yeah, President Bush went to Europe. His mission? Find fences, mend them. While W. did seem to admit that the US and Europe had some differences on that little Iraq thing, he wasn't apologetic or olive branchy about it at all. No, instead he essentially told the entire continent that 'he was right, they were wrong and to get over it because freedom is on the march... biyatchs!' Oh, and he also showed his nuts a lot.
While on his European vacation, Bush also denied the rumor floating around that his administration was readying an attack on Iran with this reassuring quote: "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. Having said that, all options are on the table." Ok, great, so when's that gonna happen again? June? Cool, thanks.
Ironically named Doug Wead released 'secret' tapes indicating that Bush smoked pot. Nobody cared. Clinton, of course, would've been impeached. Oh, and Wead's 15 minutes? Over, he can go home now.
New Chief Spook Porter Goss told Capitol Hill that the war in Iraq is creating more terrorists. Wait, what?? Shocker! I never would've thought... oh wait, I, and the rest of the Loony Left, ALREADY DID. Months ago. Bastards.
In lighter, sexier fare, The O.C. has lesbians! Lesbians I tell ya! (video)
And the NBA still has a dunk contest, who knew? As unimportant as this is, the video of it is still pretty cool. (video)
Jose Canseco apparently gave it to Mark McGwire in the ass.
The International Olympic Committee visited New York City to evaluate its chances of hosting the 2012 Olympics and the city welcomed them with a singular, strong voice: 'Go Home!' it said. Seriously, we can't be bothered. Seriously, go home.
In Texas (red state!) a woman named Tammy Warner managed to kill her husband by giving him a sherry enema. Yes, that's wine lethally delivered up the anus. And you thought Canseco's ass story was disturbing... damn.
The Alabama dildo ban remains intact. Poor Alabamians.
Speaking of dildos, did anyone hear about this Gannon/Guckhert thing? Apparently, some fake reporter named James Guckhert from some crap-ass, right-wing blog using a false name (Jeff Gannon) was provided top credentials and access to President Bush and his press secretary every day for nearly two years. Say what?? Eyebrows finally raised when the clearly partisan Gannon/Guckhert asked the president "how he was able to so easily continue being the awesomest president ever and why do the Democrats suck so hard?" Speaking of sucking hard, did we forget to mention that Gannon/Guckhert is also a gay prostitute? Too much to wrap your head around? Just watch this clip from the Daily Show. Or follow Bloggerman.
Oy. Did I mention The O.C. has lesbians??

// posted by Jed @ 7:59 PM

Comments:

That girl is apparently Eglantina Zingg, an MTV Latin America VJ. Or, as Paris refers to her in her Sidekick, 'Egplant Dike Ass' (sic). Defamer has all the unnecessary details here: http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/gossip/paris-hilton/paris-hilton-hacked-decoding-the-celebutante-rosetta-stone-033709.php

# posted by