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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I'm gonna try a little real-time commentary here...
Night two, a full slate of speakers to take in. All-Star Opening Night is over, on to the meat of the party.  Ted Kennedy is up first. Tell me this, when was the last time a Democratic Convention didn't feature at least one Kennedy, in some capacity? Someone else do the research and let me know. My god, there's Maria Shriver in the seats - even she's a Kennedy! And a Republican! What the hell??

Kennedy has been a staunch critic of Bush since the day he took office. He was one of the not enough senators who openly opposed and voted against the Iraqi misadventure (and no, it wasn't 'before he voted for it' - yes, I'm aware.) Boy Kennedy sure does ramble doesn't he? Maybe he's a little drunk. 8:30 pm? Yep, he's probably drunk

He opens like he's some old-timey Boston tour guide, painfully taking us along some twisted tour of independence - the North Church, the Capitol Dome and the Golden Steps. What is he talking about? When is he going to get to the good stuff? Hey look, there's Bono!

I turn over to FOX to see what camera angle they're using. I find out they haven't yet picked up the Kennedy speech so Bill O'Reilly can finish selling Ben Affleck (don't worry, I'll get to this soon - god) on the Iraq War. And then, as the interview wraps up with Bill sucking up to the Gigli star's ass, O'Reilly looks into the camera and says, "we'll be right back and maybe listen to what Ed Kennedy has to say... if he ever shows up." Kennedy could clearly be heard behind him, down on the floor, 15 minutes into his goddam speech. Bill O'Reilly is a jackass.

After another half-hour on the Freedom Trail with Kennedy, he finally wraps up to a semi-thunderous applause. Long, somewhat rambling, strong at times but lacking in 'red meat' for the base. But I believe Dean may be up next, blood dripping from the mouth no doubt. 
Watch THIS Now!

And hitting second...
Dean thunders on stage! People cheer, people chant! Exciting! People are still cheering. Man, he really soaks in that applause doesn't he? More cheering. Sigh. Ok, here he goes. He's gonna say something. Yep, he just confirmed it: He's Howard Dean, and he's voting for John Kerry. Who's next?

Dean people are kind of crazy. They scared me during the primaries. It's kind of like a cult thing. He's kind of a weird dude, ya know? And these people that follow him... I don't know. But hey, unity is the theme of the week. Positivity. But it's weird, that's all I'm saying.

Dean's proving he knows all 50 states once again. I'm so glad he didn't come back and win the primaries. We'd have to sit through the every-state-in-the-nation bit every. single. night.

Dean finishes up kind of suddenly and kind of awkwardly, as if someone underneath the podium kicked him in the nuts and said 'get the hell off the stage!' Not enough red meat.

We'll be right back. 

I'd been asking myself for weeks, "who the hell is Barack Obama? and why is everyone talking about him?" Now I get it. Wow. That was amazing. 

Red meat. Better than Clinton. We have a winner.

Of course, the country didn't get to see one of the best political speeches in recent memory because they were too busy airing reruns of CSI. Shame on you big media.

Uh, good luck following that Ron.
What in the world is going on now, a Reagan is on the stage! Ohhhhhhhh, it's the liberal Reagan. Ok, makes sense. Sounds like he's going talk about science. Embryonic what? Cell regeneration? Injected into my brain? Oh my god, what's going on? Make it stop! Where's the Boston tour guide? I want the Boston tour guide!

Hey look, there's Jason Bateman!
What the heck is Jason Bateman doing there?

Why does Ron Reagan sound like he's hosting an infomercial? Oh no, there's more. 'She can handle her own catheter?' Ok, I think it's time for me to see what FOX News has to say. Weird, it looks like they're airing a Reagan Sr. speech from 1984.

No red meat, just a bunch of scientific gobblety-gook. 

Here Kitty, Kitty.  

And the main event...
Chris Heinz takes the podium to provide biography and to lovingly introduce his mother, Teresa Heinz-Kerry, the ketchup queen. She speaks five languages ya know?

She's very. measured. when. she. speaks. She's apparently voting for John Kerry next fall. Nice. I'm getting that she's a smart, well-traveled woman. Yep, definitely smart. She's seen a lot. She gives good biography.

Come on, say it... say it. Come on Teresa, just once... say it. Say it! Shove it!! Damn.

Ok, we're into the Spirit of America part of the speech now. Now she's doing the state-naming thing too! Obama, as fantastic as his speech was, also provided us with some state shout-outs! It happened in every speech, it's a theme! Goddam you Dean, do you see what you've started! I dont' think Reagan was able to slip any shout-outs in between the embryonic cells and the punctured braincaps however.

She's quoting Lincoln now. Nice. Strong finish. A great build-up to introduce her husband. She's a good speaker, very smooth. Very convincing. I feel confident. I think she may be biased though. Good speech Teresa, you shove it girl!

Thank you all, good night.

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