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Thursday, April 29, 2004

The Puppet Show
The President of the United States, Dick Cheney, is testifying before the 9/11 Commission alongside his 'little buddy', George W. Bush this morning. The Bergen-McCarthy show in the Oval Office is only open to a limited audience, namely, the ten-member 9/11 Commission, a handful of White House lawyers and most likely a phalanx of imposing secret service agents modeled after the Matrix's Agent Smith. The nearly-unprecedented appearance of the nation’s Chief Executive before a commission of this nature has drawn a lot of attention, mostly in the form of criticism.

After initially resisting the creation of the commission, apparently under the reasoning that it’s really not that important to find out what happened on 9/11 and why, the secret society known as the Bush administration finally relented. Of course, they then continued to stonewall the commission they never wanted by resisting a request for National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to appear, because how important is she to the War on Terror really? Condy eventually had to appear, and did a stellar job of pretending to know nothing. Then, when the request for the president to appear came through the White House doors, the administration said “no way.” After some pressure, they said, “ok, but only for an hour.” After yet more pressure they said, “ok, but only with the chairman and vice-chairman of the commission.” While all of those conditions were eventually denied, the one that stuck was the oddest of them all: that the president would appear with vice president Dick Cheney; a reasonable explanation for this requirement has not yet been provided. And some still wonder why the majority of the country doesn’t trust these guys.

In addition to the buddy-system stipulation, commission members were given a strict set of guidelines to adhere to:

1. The session will not be open to the public.
2. The session will not be recorded by video or audio means.
3. The session will not be attended by a stenographer.
4. Cheney and Bush will not be under oath. (why you ask? because born-agains can’t lie under oath silly...)
5. The session will take place in the Oval Office. (home-court advantage)
6. No commission member is allowed to look Cheney directly in the eyes.
7. When Cheney is drinking a glass of water, no questions are to be asked.
8. Bush is allowed to use the restroom as many times as he would like... and bring his notes with him.
9. Cheney is allowed to bitch-slap any commission member he feels crosses a ‘certain line’.
10. Pretzels will not be served.

Bush and Cheney have apparently spent all week practicing for today’s appearance. A third of their prep time was focused on the correct pronunciation of commission member Richard Ben-Veniste’s name, (‘no sir, it’s not acceptable to refer to him as Mr. Douchebag.’). Another third of the time was spent trying to explain to Mr. Bush that commission member Bob Kerrey and Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry are not the same person.

Yesterday, White House press secretary Scott McLellan assured the press corps and the nation that despite the lack of oath-taking on the president and vice president’s behalf, the duo would “tell exactly how it happened” on 9/11. This means that the truth about the president’s actions on that day will finally come out, thank god. It will be good for the country to finally realize that if it weren’t for Bush’s heroic actions on that day, Disneyworld in Orlando would’ve been obliterated by the terrorists, as well as the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, the Mall of America in Minneapolis and Jennifer Lopez’s ass – George W. Bush saved them all, and now the country will finally know. Hallelujah.

George W. Bush: Strong on Evasion.

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