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Friday, April 29, 2005

TAKE OFF, YOU HOSER
I'm off to Canada to drink with the McKenzie Brothers for the next week, so you'll have to talk amongst yourselves. Here, I'll give you a topic: Guinea pigs aren't pigs, nor are they from Guinea. Discuss. (Or, if you prefer, you can ponder exploding toads.)

Back soon... that is, assuming they let me back in the country – I noticed a lot of .gov addresses on my traffic log after Wonkette linked me. *gulp*

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DEALING WITH UPPITY REPORTERS, PLAN B
Image hosted by TinyPic.com After having its plant-a-fake-journalist(gay pornographer)-in-the-briefing-room tactic outed by that pesky liberal press, the White House adopts Plan B, also known as the "threaten them with a camel prod" plan.

Ok, so my prediction about last night's primetime presser didn't come true, but we did get a welcome addition to the DUHbya files: "It's in our country's interest to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." Nice. (thx again Wonkette)

The president also uttered this 'no-shit' beauty: "I'm sure there are some people that don't like me." Un-huh. You know who really doesn't like you today Mr. President? Fans of The OC, that's who. Pre-empting American primetime television is the ultimate sin – but pre-empting it to talk about such inane and unimportant topics as Iraq, social security and the burgeoning energy crisis? Feh! Bush may as well have pissed on John Wayne's grave and spit in Babe Ruth's eye.

While Bush did leave OCists out on a ledge, he spared Paris Hilton and Donald Trump fans, proving he does know he's core constituency: the dumb and the rich. Besides, the OC already kinda hated him anyway.

MORE
WAPO: The Gambler
E&P: The President Meets the Press in Primetime
Voice: Mr. Smith Meets the Rock in Primetime
WH.gov: Transcript

Thursday, April 28, 2005

W'S COMING OUT PARTY?
Do you have something to share with us Mr. President? The White House has announced that President Bush will host a prime-time news conference this evening, the focus of which is reported to be social security reform and Bush's energy policy. But recent news spewing forth from the halls of the presidential residence make me wonder whether Bush may have some more fabulously scandalous revelations for us tonight. Consider this:

Exhibit A: While in Galveston, Tex. earlier this week, Bush inquired of local reporters whether they still had "Splash Day", a start-of-summer celebration which the president is apparently quite familiar with. Funny thing though: Splash Day is a celebration primarily for gay men and women. Purple-faced Bush supporters have claimed Splash Day hasn't always been an affair for the gay and lesbian community, and that it certainly wasn't during the president's youthful days. But a little googling indicates that, in fact, it's always been kinda gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Exhibit B: It was reported earlier this week that infamous conservative "journalist" and amateur gay pornographer/escort Jeff Guckhert/Gannon visited the White House 196 times over the past two years. While presumably there to cover press briefings, the secret service records released this week indicate that, on several occasions, Guckhert "checked in but was never processed out." Um, does this mean he slept over? Also disturbing: "Guckert either entered or exited by a different entry/exit point than his usual one." Ewwww. A whole load more on this can be found here.

Exhibit C: Monday's hand-in-hand tip-toe through the bluebonnets with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah.

Exhibit D: That new Food Pyramid the administration revealed last week seems kind of, uh, gay. Thanks to Wonkette for pointing this out.

Exhibit E: Last February, at the State of the Union address, Bush created quite a storm after an uncomfortably long kiss with Sen. Joe Lieberman was caught on tape. No, really, we have the video.

Exhibit F: Then there was that whole "pretty face" hoo-ha back in January 2004. While in Canada, Bush had this to say about Prime Minister Paul Martin's press secretary: "Well, you got a pretty face. You got a pretty face. You're a good-looking guy. Better looking than my Scott anyway." Hmmmm.

So, in summary...

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Tune in tonight at 8:30 EST to find out!

Image hosted by TinyPic.com Stay Fabulous Mr. President!



Monday, April 25, 2005

LOVE IS IN THE AIR
Awwww, how cute... looks like someone has a case of spring fever!
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I guess no one can say Bush isn't willing to do anything (or anyone) to bring oil prices down. By the way, is this the 'mandate' he's been talking about?

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Cheney: 'Don't even think about it Junior.'

MORE
Electablog: oHarmony
WebMD: Spring Fever
USAT: Friendly gesture is political message
AP: Spring turns dusty ranch into haven
AP: Bush energy bill will raise gas prices

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One With Britney's Spawn
Yes it's that time again, time to dig deep into that pile of unused celebrity gossip, political hijinks and general weirdness permeating the internets to puke up yet another edition of Remains of the Days. While it seems as though pop tartlet Britney Spears has been preggers in every single previous installment of Remains, this is the edition where the news becomes official. Along with Britney's spawn, this week's Remains features Spiderman's downward spiral, Hootie's rodeo resurgence and Tyra Banks losing her Top Model shit. Enjoy.


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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

NEW POPE YOU ARE
Is it just me, or does anyone else think the new pope looks a little like Yoda?

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Congratulations to Joe Ratzinger, aka Pope Benny XVI, aka "God's Rottweiler."

I had no idea God had any pets, let alone rottweilers. Guess that's just one more sign (ok, the first one) that God and rapper DMX are one and the same. Oh, and Don Henley is so going to hell now.

Monday, April 18, 2005

HAVE GUN, WILL BABBLE
They held a little gun show down in Texas over the weekend. Let's listen in...

"Remember the Alamo! Shoot 'em! To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead. Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em." – unstable rocker Ted Nugent (you know he's on the iBush!)

"It's not just about the issues we are talking about here. They [liberals] really don't like our country." – Rep.
Henry Bonilla (R-TX)

"When a man is in trouble or in a good fight, you want to have your friends around, preferably armed. So I feel really good." – Rep.
Tom DeLay, frequent flyer, porn
financier
, nepotism fan and House Majority Leader (R-TX)
And we're supposed to be worried about activist judges? How about activist politicians and activist butt-rockers?

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MORE
Bill Maher: Help Tom DeLay
SLT: 'Great, now I gotta pay my wife $500k too.'
Frank Rich:
Get DeLay to the Church on Time
Drumbeat: Daily DeLay

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"No one is allowed at our BBQs unless they're an NRA member!" – The Nuge

PAPAL MADNESS
Conclave starts today, better fill those brackets out. The potential Duke/Ratzinger matchup in the Flaggellant Four sure is enticing. Good luck everyone!

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So, wait, the black smoke means Cardinal Bertone brought the good shit, right?
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Dude, quit bogarting the beatific bong...

MORE
AP: Smoke Tradition Dates Back Over a Century
NYDN: Catty Cardinals Sling Mud
New Pope gets to pick his own name. (hope the world's ready for Pope Diddy)
National Review: How about Pope Bubba?
Musto: "I'm surely going straight to hell if I say anything critical of the late pope John Paul II, but according to him, I was heading there in a handbasket anyway, so
what the fuck."

Saturday, April 16, 2005

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE US LAUGH
Perhaps the best front page of the New York Post ever.

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If I were forced to leave NYC tomorrow, I would be ok with it. I now feel complete.

Even better, judging from the photo in the article she appears to be a fan of my beloved Seattle Supersonics. Simply Awesome.


Wednesday, April 13, 2005

LEE GREENWOOD, YOU'VE GOT COMPANY
Honestly, I don't quite know what to say about this. Some genius named Dennis Madalone has decided to give that 'ol patriot Lee Greenwood a run for his money. The flags, the angels, the mullet – this is a must see:

America, We Stand As One
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Really, this masterpiece makes Lee's "God Bless the USA" seem like amateur night at the Carousel Dinner Club. But by far the greatest thing about Mr. Madalone and his epic ode to God and country are the parodies it will no doubt inspire, the first of which may be impossible to top:

America, We Stand As One (Fu*k Yeah! Remix)

Take that Lee!

MORE
Lee Greenwood: Official Site
Lee Greenwood,
Draft Dodger?
God Bless the USA: Singalong with Brownielocks & The 3 Bears!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I AM THE ENVOY, GOO GOO G'JOOB
Senate confirmation hearings for President Bush's selection as the country's next ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, began yesterday. Truth be told, I've been terribly upset ever since Bolton was nominated to the post a month ago. Am I upset because Bolton is considered to be a "loose cannon" and a bully by many of his peers? Or is it because he once said that lopping 10 stories off the UN Building here in New York wouldn't make a bit of difference? Am I upset because Jesse Helms considers him to be "the kind of man with whom he like to stand at armageddon"? Or is it because Bolton was a key player in the promotion of the since debunked Niger-uranium claim that helped push this country to war in Iraq?

While all these things do create valid concern in my head, they aren't the reason I haven't been able to sleep at night. No, what's really being keeping me awake is the guy's mustache. Seriously, if this whole UN ambassadorship thing doesn't work out for him, he's clearly a ready-made candidate for a new Got Milk? campaign.

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Maybe this is exactly the reason Bush selected him. Oh sure, it could be that BushCo feels Bolton is just the man to finally demolish that pesky UN with its treaties and diplomacy and other such nonsense, or it could simply be because the 'stach makes W. giggle.

I've also been having a difficult time deciding who it is that Bolton reminds me of:

Is it Yosemite Sam?
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Or is it a character from a Sam Peckinpah film?
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How about Buffalo Bill? Does he remind anyone of Buffalo Bill?
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Ummm, how about professional golfer Craig Stadler?
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No, dammit that's not it. Wait, I've got it! He's a dead ringer for Wally Walrus!

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Goo Goo G'joob indeed. Have mercy.

MORE
The Beatles: I Am the Walrus
Daily Show: 'Like appointing Dracula to the Blood Bank'
NYT: The Worst of the Bad Nominations
Washington Note: Ongoing Coverage
Opposition Group: Stop Bolton
Code Pink protests the hearings: 'All that bravery and not one of them has any balls.'

WHAT, NO SLAYER?
Guess what? George W. Bush enjoys country music. Surprise! As you've no doubt heard by now, the president has wrangled himself an iPod, which I believe officially indicates that Apple's hipper-than-thou gadget has officially jumped the shark.

Yep, earlier this week a presidential aide revealed some of the tracks currently playing on iPod One. Not surprising in the least are country artists such as Alan Jackson, Kenny Chesney and George Jones. The inclusion of The Knack's My Sharona, a sly nod to pedophilia ("always get it up for the touch of the younger kind") may, however, raise a few eyebrows.

Frankly, what was revealed from Dubya's playlist is quite boring and middle of the road, or, as Rolling Stone's Joe Levy put it, "safe, reliable and loving." Loving? Ummm, ok. Of course, only a portion of the playlist was revealed. Toby Keith's super-jingoistic, Arab ass-kicking anthem "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue" wasn't revealed, but I'm sure it made the cut.

It was also revealed that the president is only rocking about 250 songs on his 10,000 song capacity iPod. And while all those Billy Graham speeches and the entire "Left Behind" audio book series surely take up a lot of memory, I think Dubya may have room for a few more. Some suggestions:
Rock on Mr. President.

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MORE
iPod: The GWB Special Edition
Ad Campaign: Rockin' the iRaq
WhiteHouse.org: A few more suggestions
Nation: Analyzing the Presidential Playlist
Patrick Ruffini: Get Your Prez iMix Here!
Not Your Usual Bollocks: From the UK
AgitProp: Even more!

SWEET TOOTH DIPLOMACY
Ah ha! Our president may not be as dumb as everyone thinks, he's found Ariel Sharon's weakness: Sugary Treats!

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President George W. Bush offers chocolates wrapped in Israeli flags to Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon during their meeting at Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas April 11, 2005.

Well, how else do you think Bush could've persuaded Sharon to agree to the removal of settlements? It's the chocolates stupid.

Monday, April 11, 2005

TIPS FOR TOURISTS
As a community service, Days would like to offer the following advice for anyone planning a trip to visit the historic sites on display in our nation's capital.

Tip #1
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Drop your luggage off at your hotel before visiting the US Capitol or other houses of government. And bring friends!

Tip #2
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Always be aware of your surroundings, and be sure to look behind you at all times.

Tip #3
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Dark clothes and sunglasses can create suspicion, so be sure to wear bright, non-threatening attire. Anything with an American flag on it will do. Tie-dye should be avoided at all costs.

Good luck, and have a safe and pleasant stay in DC.
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Oh, and don't forget bail money!


Man With Suitcases Captured at Capitol


Tuesday, April 05, 2005

REMAINS of the DAYS: The One Mostly About the Pope
The past week hasn't been an easy one for religious types, what with the Pope's passing and Terri Schiavo's inevitable end. Hell, even Jerry Falwell was hooked up to a ventilator. Thankfully, I remain a godless heathen, so my week has been pretty ordinary – sacrificing virgins, tattooing pentagrams on my forehead, eating babies – you know, the usual. But now it's "All Pope, All the Time!" Seriously man, we haven't seen such extended mourning since that other deity, Ronald Reagan, kicked it. And you know what that means don't you? A Poperific Remains, that's what! Enjoy.

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Sunday, April 03, 2005

THERE'S A BIG, PINK, JUICED UP ELEPHANT ON THE FIELD
Can we, for a moment, try and ignore that elephant? Let's just pretend there are no clouds hovering overhead and that's its a crystal clear spring day. That's what baseball's Opening Day has always meant to me, the start of spring. And how can you not be happy about that? Even if you're not a baseball fan, you can't be unhappy about an event that signals sunny skies, fresh cut grass and cold beer. So yeah, let's ignore that elephant.

Opening Day has always filled me with hope. Growing up, my childhood naivete even allowed my head and heart to overflow every spring with the insane belief that maybe, just maybe, the early 80's Mariners teams of Barry Bonnell, Pat Putnam and Gaylord Perry had a shot to win the World Series. This strong irrational hope has been experienced by countless numbers of fans throughout history. It was the drive that kept Red Sox fans believing for 86 years. It's the thing that keeps Cubs fans from tossing themselves off the Sears Tower every fall. Its power is strong.

I guess I am a religious man, and baseball is my religion. So please, just for one moment, let me forget about that elephant, those clouds, and enjoy Opening Day for what it should represent: Spring, an irrational faith in the impossible, and good 'ol fashioned sportsmanship, as evidenced here.

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Let's Play Ball.

Oh, and I'm sorry Red Sox, but as fun as it was to root for you as you brought down the Evil Empire, I have to hate you now too. Let's face it, with the Curse lifted you're just not the beloved underdogs anymore, you're simply the 2nd richest team in baseball and the defending champs.

So go Mariners. Beat the Red Sox. Beat the Yankees. Break the curse of The Gaylord.

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MORE
Yahoo! Baseball
Baseball Almanac
Seattle Mariners (Official Site)
Gammons: What Baseball Needs

"I reckon I tried everything on the old apple, but salt and pepper and chocolate sauce topping."

Saturday, April 02, 2005

RESPECTS: Pope John Paul II, 1920-2005
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"Love, in a word, is the gift of self." -- Pope John Paul II, 1993

Friday, April 01, 2005

SO LONG EVERYONE
Today marks the final post of the brief but rewarding Days blog. I have enjoyed spouting bullshit at you all for the past year, but I have taken a position in DC as an aide to House Speaker Tom Delay, one of the few remaining fair, honest and ethical politicians on The Hill.

A bid you all a fond farewell. Wish me luck!

*

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